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Love something waited for and not seeked out

Updated on March 11, 2012

A thought!

It is funny if you had asked me a few years ago what love had meant to me, I probably would of passed it off as something I would not even want to be bothered with. Even now only being 22 I find it more of a cliche which is great, a lot of the foundation in a relationship is based off of those cute moments that make you feel like your partner is really putting in the effort to try and create more of a chemistry between the two of you. There also comes a point that you stop caring, not to be pessimistic but maybe flaws that have been buried away for so long to try and please someone has finally found its way to be surfaced. It is like when someone opens the door in a dark room, and for awhile you leave yourself vulnerable and take in the light. Only to allow the shadows that are around you of darkness to consume you in more ways then you can imagine. Truth and being an advocate to honesty is admirable, but the deception that comes with reasoning sometime is not worth going through the motions. It is funny at least for me you put yourself in a scenario that allows you to watch and listen to someone else. As lies are put out for their viciousness, and slowly begin to see them try and reconcile or even justify something you have already caught them on. Something I live my life by and it is great if you try to defend yourself, but the truth never needs defending not even justified. Your only making it more susceptible for someone else to see clarity an a underlining double standard of bullshit you have trapped yourself in. You hear the saying which you would probably get more from gemini's which is not a bad thing, but you hear people say they are turning over a new leaf. Great for you. All you did was flip from one side to the next, so the old persona was not good enough in the eyes of the beholder, so you change. Even though you change yourself for the wrong reasons, only later to have the side you once placed on the back burner to slowly begin to resurface. You try and fade away what is already been seen to the public eye only to encounter the same monotonous traits that you once laid dormant. The end resolution is your the fool, the coward that tried to stray away from what obviously made you who you are regardless if it is a good thing or a bad thing. Change is good, but not when it becomes efficient, especially if you lament about it. Not only do you know what is wrong, but you do not care. So is love or that feeling of acceptance really worth it, if it is something that you have to seek out. I am the type of person that whether you come or go out of my life, I wish all the joy,love, and happiness this world has to offer with a smile. Whether it is my perception and my way of thinking has influenced your life in a positive or negative way, I still was able to fixate a puzzle piece from my life to yours. I had someone tell me and this is a little off subject but something that I had encountered, if a guy is unable to tell you about his HIV status.

1. It is obvious what your status is with HIV

2. You truly know nothing about that person especially if it is something that they have to hide.

It is ironic for me, I know a lot of guys especially ones who have HIV it can be hard to date or go out in the world with a positive approach. Funny thing about it is, their are people out there who look past that. Not that I would want to jump in guns blazing and give my self to them 100 % , but you look past a status in hopes you can accommodate them in their life and build something more off the foundation of them simple being who they are not what they have. Obviously it is not a preference for me nor really is it something that I am looking for as far as relationships go, but it is happiness that you can offer other people just by simple taken in who they are to the core of their soul and showing them you care more for them once again rather then what they have. I never give up and almost getting HIV kinda made me take a step back. Especially when someone holds your life in their hands and chooses to place your life in a steadfast only because they are unhappy with their ending results. He was a douche bag and had nothing but anger and despair to offer the people around him, and it is funny you can see right through them, but you hope and have faith. That the life you live of open gratification for everything that you have and the people around you is not jeopardized in the mistake you made of concluding yourself in someones misery. So I leave myself with one thought, I may have dated douche bags and may at times have been a douche bag myself, but I never walked away from anyone. If I did walk away it was only because the person needed more help then what I had to offer them, to make their journey and goals in life seem more plausible to them to make their happiness grow stronger. In the end no matter what you do or what you say, as long as you learn to love yourself , and rise above being just a grain in the sand becomes a true treasure once you have become an oasis. I love myself and at times I stray into my dark room where barriers are created and a content feeling is possessed, but for a moment the door opens and finally the light is embraced and you pull yourself out into the world. Where simple things and gestures begin to become appreciated and the love you have seems to open other doors for people who have buried themselves in their shadow.


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      9 years ago


      I really liked your blog and your openness about difficult matters concerning relationships. I know what you mean about people and their either trying to be someone their not to please you and with that the seeming changes they can go through as their natural personality percolates to the top.

      I dated this one guy when I lived in Raleigh, NC and noticed a marked change in his personality after just one date. He made himself to sound like a "Prince Charming" and seemed to have all the same attributes that, for me, made him handsome and easy to get along with. On the first date he did a complete 180 in the other direction. Mind you we both knew each other pretty well and knew what each other looked like but apparently he was only out for a one-night stand and I was into more. After the first date he made it very well known that he thought I only wanted a one night stand and it was a total shock. Anyway this was but a first date with all the nerves and awkwardness but nevertheless to become a total opposite in character was strange. Mind you I overlooked that he was HIV positive. I wanted to see this person even though risks were a great importance. I was willing to see if there would be any chemistry and apparently there wasn't on his part.

      I know that not all people are alike and sometimes we all go through times where we show much vulnerability with all it's weaknesses of emotion. I can certainly understand that sometimes we all will carry misery on our own shoulders and show it is sometimes. It's nice to try not to place a "negative" on a person's whole personality based on a particularly bad moment in time and something that we don't fully understand. That being said there are those who have full-blown Depression and like a drug addiction the patterns of negativity and behaviors that go along with it can be overpowering and addictive. Sadly this can cause further misery and spread it. I would hope that those suffering with Depression would "try" and get out of the misery before bringing others into the mix.

      It's a sad world sometimes and we all miscommunicate, misunderstand each other resulting in further miscomprehensions. Open honest communication is important but is sometimes very difficult to sustain in the face of emotional and physical attractions where we just want another to like us like we like them.

      I like the way you communicate your thoughts and ideas and you seem wise for your age.


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