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Love and Sex Secrets Revealed! The way to a man's heart, and into a woman's pants

Updated on October 12, 2009

Ahhh Love...

With a totally enlightened and non sexist title like that, I'm sure you're expecting something that will change your life. I am thinking that too. Feel free to kneel in your seat, and possibly chant to yourself as I impart the words of wisdom that will make you a lovin' sexin' machine.

Put simply, the basis of the theory that this article will expound upon is that women want love, and men want sex. You've probably heard this before, it's oft written about in men's magazines, and surreptitiously referred to in 1950's housewife manuals. So yes, if you're a man, and you want a woman's love, then I hate to break it to you buddy, but you're probably gay. If you're a woman who wants sex, then you're a wanton harlot. It's fortunate that there are so many words to describe sexual promiscuity, because otherwise I could have said something offensive just then.

Because we're all familiar with the premise, I won't labor it too much, we're all on the same page, we're all in the same club, we're all friends here. All you need to know is the secret. The secret that's been hidden from you all these years. Other guys are getting laid, other women are getting married, but you, you remain single, or tortured with a stream of unlikely romantic partners who accidentally knee you in delicate areas, or forget your name. Not anymore though, because now the two top secrets of getting the man and woman love you crave stand revealed, read them well, commit them to memory. They will only serve you well.

The best way to a man's heart

Surgically. If you can just crack open his rib cage, ol' pumpy will be right there within reach. I'm joking of course, but if you can get to him while he's under anesthetic, you can program him with subliminal messages. “You love Candice. You want to marry Candice. You want to always take out the trash.” Feel free to be creative. Men need to be brainwashed in order to be truly happy, and after a while he will be so conditioned that a mere look has him scrambling to re-glue the kitchen cabinets, or kill that spider in the bath. Real man stuff.

The best way into a woman's pants

Flowers. Women LOVE flowers, but its not for the reason you think. They don't care any more than you do about the fact that the flowers are pretty. What they care about is that all their workmates and friends saw the large, colorful display of your love. Women are mercenary creatures, and nothing gets their juices flowing like receiving gifts that promise future filthy lucre. Convince her that you will make regular deposits into her accounts and she may well let you make deposits on her person. Wink Wink, Nudge Nudge. Yes, its a filthy business, but be thankful someone did it, otherwise none of us would be here.


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    • Hope Alexander profile image

      Hope Alexander 9 years ago

      I think it is important to maintain a postive outlook at all times...

    • profile image

      madeleine 9 years ago from Takoma Park, Maryland

      What a riot! We all know now that love has treated you right. NOT! Love it anyway.

    • tshirtscene profile image

      tshirtscene 10 years ago

      eek, sorry about the typo's "small fee" was supposed to be in there lol. And thanks, I feel I can contribute to their love lives :D

    • Hope Alexander profile image

      Hope Alexander 10 years ago

      You know, I totally believe that you will make a difference. Bless you tshirtscene. You bring love and joy to the world.

    • tshirtscene profile image

      tshirtscene 10 years ago

      I have a few friends on the dating scene at the moment, I'll have to let them know that I know the secret adn for a small, I'll have them married ni no time at all ;)