Managing sibling rivals with tact

By Michelle Liew Tsui-Lin

The question “Who shot JR?” creeps into the minds of soap opera buffs the world over, especially since it happened twice.

Dallas, capturing the lawn drawn and often malevolent tussle between two oil magnate brothers, Bobby and his not-so-nice brother, JR, is a tad melodramatic. But it reminds us poignantly about the consequences of sibling rivalry.

We’ve all grown up amid tussles among ourselves and our siblings. Some of these situations are pleasant ones, and others, sadly reminiscent of the fight between the Ewings, perhaps with fewer embellishments.

Fights between brothers and sisters are hardly ever pleasant. Well addressed, it teaches a few things about dealing with relationships.

Most sibling rivalry stems from the perception of a sibling being sidelined in favor of another or others. The achievements of one are usually highlighted and lauded by parents, while those of the other seem to pale in comparison. Of course, it seeds thoughts of perceived unfairness.

There is often the notion of the good child versus the prodigal, who simply refuses to do what he is supposed to. It’s natural for parents to gravitate towards children they deem to be doing what is correct or appropriate.

Jealousy naturally breeds conflict that can be difficult to manage. Situations mirroring those in Dallas aren’t that uncommon, with brothers and sisters fighting incessantly over inheritances.

Unchecked rivalry may leave a rogue wave of destruction in its wake.

Extended sibling rivalry can leave behind a sense of needless hatred. Conflicts can lead to torn, dysfunctional and destructive relationships.

In a household where there is a lot of tension, parents are bound to feel the stress. It can also be draining on other members of the family.

If also affects the way siblings perceive themselves. If siblings are raised in a household where parents often praise one in front of the other, the result may be an exaggerated sense of self-importance. A reverse situation doesn’t shore up self-esteem.

If left unchecked, the possibility of vindictive anger and violence is quite real.

A little rivalry can teach children that it’s not always possible to get their way. They come to understand that all things, including respect, need to be earned.

Sibling rivalry also teaches children how to disagree agreeably when a conflict occurs. When managed well, siblings can learn to come to compromises.

Children learn to adjust their perceptions of fairness with the help of a little rivalry. Perhaps a sibling needs a little more attention than his brother. He can learn to adjust their expectations of fairness accordingly.

Managing sibling rivalry can be quite a task for parents. It’s one that has to be managed from the early years of a child’s development, because the rivalry can really sour relations in later years if left unchecked. Parents also have to approach it with tact.

1. Treat your children equally.

Never compare one child with another, especially if your children are of the same gender and are close in age.

The one who receives more attention may feel that he or she has been sidelined unfairly. The feeling will be made worse if the children are twins or close in age, because both require similar needs.

Focus, instead, on each child’s strengths.

2. Make your older child your ally.

It’s important that you get your older child on your side. Never make the younger child responsible for the older one, even if you think he’s more capable. This will lower your older child’s self-esteem.

3. Don’t tell one child to do things in the same way as his sibling.

Again, this exaggerates the self-esteem of one and lowers it for the other. It’s always important to remember that each child is an individual with his or her own flair.

Making remarks like “You should pick up your toys like your brother!” sends the signal that his worth is lowered in your eyes. While you may have expressed this out of frustration, a child may have this perception.

4. Don’t embarrass your older children.

Your older child will have the impression that he has to do things a little better than his sibling.

If he is chided in front of his younger brother or sister, it causes him to lose face. The younger child may also see this as a chance to gain leverage over the other.

5. Never express your feelings for one child to another.

Don’t do so especially if these feelings are negative. Again, the child you confide in may develop an inflated ego and see himself as the “trusted one” and the other as the loser in a game.

You may not be doing this consciously, but this is also a form of manipulation. Some craftier parents may use this as a tool to get the misbehaving child to behave as he is supposed to. Never do this as you end up diminishing your child’s self esteem.

6. A little empathy goes a long way.

Don’t say things like “You’re older and must learn to give way to your little brother or sister.” This holds true especially if your children are closer in age. The older child is maturing and may rationalize in the same way the younger child would.

Rather, take a little time to listen to each child’s needs. You’ll be better able to enlist their cooperation.

Guide your children through difficult emotions, especially when they feel hurt by or resentful of the other.

7. Teach your children to manage conflict.

Teach your children how to manage problems like teasing without using you as a buffer.

They’ll have to know how to stand up for themselves in a positive way and possibly teach the other sibling the right way to express himself too.

Children can also learn how to compromise over toys and food with a little help from you too.

8. Praise all your children when they get along

Getting along isn’t an easy skill to learn. When your children can manage it well, give them a word or two of encouragement to prompt them to repeat the behavior.

1.The Cooper Brothers

The Cooper brothers, John and Robert, became liqueur manufacturers after being raised by their father, Sky, around the business. Sky had introduced the French Raspberry Liqueur brand Chambord to the US market.

Each started his own business, not wanting to share wealth with the other. Rober create St Germaine, an elderlower liqueur, while John, created Domaine De Canton, remarkably similar in nature.

Sky still hopes to bring his two sons together.

2. The Samsung Family Feud

Most of us will be familiar with the Samsung Galaxy Tablet.

The family behind Samsung, the Lees, are embroiled in a conflict of their own. The elder Lee siblings are suing the youngest and Chairman of Samsung, Lee Kun Hee, for withholding assets during the setting of the family estate after their father, Lee Byung Chull, passed away,

The problem could have stemmed from the older Lee ignoring tradition and giving the company’s reins to his third son instead of the first, as per tradition. It always creates tension in a successful family.

3. The Dessler Brothers

Rudolph and Adolph Dessler may not sound familiar to you, but perhaps their companies do. If you’re familiar with Puma and Adidas, they are the owners of these two sports giants.

Rudolph and Adolph worked in their mother’s laundry room before falling out with each other.

Rudolph’s family, owners of Puma and Adolph’s family, owners of Adidas, were enemies. The town of Herzogenaurach, where their headquarters are located, became embroiled in their conflict.

It was only when Rudolph’s grandson, Frank, took a job in Adidas that the conflict finally stopped.

Rivalry can motivate siblings, but destroy relationships if not managed well.

Original Work by Michelle Liew

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