When You Should Worry
I am writing this because I have been divorced twice and I have fallen for the same bullshit a few times. I want to inform other good people of what is to come. It is very hard to find someone real in this world.
About This Article
I am going to write this article from the opinion of my observation, trials and tribulations. I do not care if it doesn't happen 'all of the time' . Someone wins the lottery now and then as well. If you disagree with this then I am sorry. If you are offended by this then you are doing something VERY wrong in your relationship. This is what really happens in a Marriage that leads to divorce. These are the things to consider before getting married. This is how you protect yourself in ensure your spouse or to be spouse is on the same page.
Till Death Do Us Part- *Wispers*(or social media leads me to someone else)
The number one reason marriage is a scam is the world we live in. Instant coffee, instant noodles, instant gratification, instant everything. As a person who normally writes technology articles and a computer scientist , I won't pull the grandpa card. I know technology has far more benefit than downsides. The fact is that 50 years ago if people had snapcrap and Tinder , marriage would of failed more often as well. I have been divorced twice and both times it left me very pissed off inside even though I pretend nothing is wrong or 'that's just life' or 'I am happy they are happy'. The entire I love you, I just want you happy!!! Is bullshit. I am not happy my x wife gave up on our marriage, never compromised, expected entirely too much , she wanted me to see and read her mind to fix issue, she wanted me to always do this, or that. She even told me that's what a "Real man would do" once. I laughed and thought to myself, does a real man know I stayed in a hospital with you for 12 days while you were under quarantine for a serious infection? That our second date was from chair I slept in while you sat in a hospital bed because your ex husband and family didn't show up and someone had to be there for you? I asked myself a lot of questions as continuously I sacrificed and worked to make her life easier and special throughout our relationship but the more I did it the less she cared. She wasn't the person I thought I married. I was tricked. So funny how someone can tell the entire world how great you are while despising you for their own ideals. If you are hearing things like : "This isn't really me" , "I am not meant for this", "I love you but love may not be enough" , "I am not in love with you, but I love you", then you are married to/dating a weak person. The first instinct is to look at yourself and place blame. You shouldn't do that however. This person is a weak , lying , ignorant, and they mislead you on purpose. They are looking for a way out. They knew they were this way and this would happen. So wise up and leave them first. Go! Do not hold out hope, this person is a disgrace to the word 'love'. Love doesn't have set parameters you can knit pick and decide exist because it should always be 'easy'. Your lovers mind thinks if any condition is broken its better to leave than fix. That is marriage today. That's dating as it is today. Swipe left , swipe right, long as it's easy. So while women in India are raped, shared, forced to slave work, a guy/girl in America is at fault and deservers to be left because "I want adventure and excitement" !!(guys do this as well to women) Listen to your spouse, you will hear, "we" ,become, "I ", a lot more often. This is a clear sign that you are with a person who doesn't care about you. This is your first sign that it's really time to go. When she/he says " I know works tiring but I need sex , you need to initiate it , when I want it!" you should know you are with a selfish person and they ware more worried about insecurity and 'feeling needed like when we met" than you as an actual person. If you feel you never stopped treating them the same look at when you met. Think about it. Now they shouldn't expect that forever but you should work to love them. If you still do the small things and love them then this alone is the second sign as they are trying to distance themselves from being your equal. Your spouse is now setting up to put conditions on the relationship and at this point you can bet social media is being used more frequently or 'harmlessly flirting" becomes more often. Do not try to control them. Communicate your concerns if they seem not to care then LEAVE THEM. Now, is there such thing as harmless flirting? Sure, it's all harmless until you start to degrade your spouse and this harmless thing becomes NEW AND MYSTERIOUS! It's easier to flirt with this person who's new then talk to their spouse about areas both can improve upon. Truth is your spouse is a flake and you've been tricked.
Keys To A Good Relationship
Bullshit. Generic answers but each relationship is different. . If you think someone has to be just like you, handsome, wealthy , and blah blah to love them, you have set yourself up to fail. You are adding standards and expectation for no reason. Love is a special feeling and connection not something you just decide to say. I think that is the main issue. People will say anything without merit. You will say I love you until you two marry and keep it up until a few things get on your nerves and there you are, waiting for a wait out. Get over yourself. Love should be two people becoming one. What does that mean? Means you shouldn't have all these standards. You can marry someone but you don't have the balls to stand by them? It's really sad. The reason this matters is your spouse may of had these special standards of you than you were never aware of. Perhaps you didn't like her/his birthmark but over time you found it more and more beautiful. Your spouse may like you ONLY perfect weight and if you gain a few pounds , hell with you. That's Love? That's marriage? Apparently it is.
Here are the real keys
- Put Down Your Damn Phone
- Don't Resent Your Spouse , Inform Your Spouse
- Focus Less On Stipulations Of Staying In Love
- Focus More On Achieving Common Ground
- Just Like Drinking! Flirting isn't Harmless When You Do It To Feel Better/Get Attention
- Ask Your Love About Their Day, Talk To Them And Give A Damn?
See some spouses/lovers are asshole and deserve to be left. If you cook him/her dinner, buy them flowers, take them out, kiss them, rub their feet and they act pissed off when you ask them to spend time with you, THEY SUCK. Get rid of them. Why? Because they will get rid of you eventually. There is no mutual love , desire , or respect there. They say they 'love you" , GREAT! They 'Cuddle at night" great! Meanwhile they spend most their time not appreciating you and preparing to live this 'new , mysterious life". It's instant gratification, the feeling of NEW out weighs even things as minor as not liking what your spouse wears or 'wishing they had more ambition". It outweighs years in a relationship , commitments , rekindling takes EFFORT, relationships take effort after a while so its easier to slip out of the relationship and back into something NEW and Exciting again. People suck.
Marriage Is A Scam
Marriage is more often used as a social norm or 'security' now than an actual symbol of a couples love. You may marry someone and believe they love you, as you do them, only to find out that was all for show. It was fun to pretend and say these things but when push comes to shove none of the vowels or commitment made will last. Now you are stuck giving up your life for someone else. You lose things like your home, children, dogs, even the life you've known. Marriage is no longer a bound between two people but it has become a contract of a long term relationship where its very acceptable to decide to quit. In other words, don't get married there is no point. It will only help your spouse acquire assets and yes prenuptial agreements do exist but asking for one is thought as tacky and could lead to more problems. A man/woman will likely flip out if you put conditions on your marriage to protect yourself. After all , the only one allowed to have expectation or conditions is them and they never make them known. Bottom line , in the case where a spouse finds someone else to be happy with , happens a lot now, you could be left giving this person half of everything you ever worked for. They will proudly stand and say they deserved it despite quitting on the marriage, lying, cheating or other things. Listed bellow are five things you should think about before marriage.
- How does my spouse respond to the idea of a prenuptial agreement? If they raise hell it's likely they do not have faith in their feelings for your relationship and you shouldn't marry them.
- What's your spouses dating history like? If you are dating a person who breaks up out of a serious relationship ever few years , don't think you'll break the trend. These people are very selfish and when the 'fun' starts to dwindle and you have to actually deal with life, they will vanish on you in a heart beat.
- Does this person believe in the ideals you do? A Satanic worshipper and Hell Fire Baptist can have a great marriage? How? They may both believe that your spouse is your life and loving your spouse is the most important thing. Where two 'Good" Christians may marry and get divorced in a few years because 'Why not, love wasn't enough, God understand and forgives" , as if it takes a higher power to understand that love should have very few conditions if any.
- Does this person love who you are? Or who you have potential to be? Having a wife/husband who always encourages greatness out of you is great. Having a spouse who pushes you to do better is not. You do not need a push. The truth is these types of people believe they can mold you to their expectation. Save yourself the hell and heartache. If he/she wants to change all these things about you and keeps going on about 400k homes when you only make enough for a 200k home, don't say 'in the future' and encourage this crap.
- Respect? Your spouse should respect you. Sure people fight and it can get really ugly. At the end of the day finding a way to calm the situation and a peaceful understanding should matter more than being right. I know in 4 years of being with my ex-wife , she never said she was sorry. I constantly apologized not because I was always wrong, but because her being upset bothered me. If you being upset doesn't bother your spouse, that could be sign. Of course some spouses are good at playing macho and hiding the fact they are upset you are upset. Others can get more angry and won't know what to do. These are signs this person cares. The ones who don't care are likely the ones who wait for your apology and need to feel they have power over when the fight ends.
Looks? Income? Why aren't those added? Simple, they don't matter. If you want to be rich then start blogging , get your own business up, go back to school, learn skills off YouTube and the internet, make yourself. People who rely on their spouse to make them are weak. As long as he/she can handle her own, that matters. You can kiss a rich persons butt all you want but they will leave you for the next thing. You aren't special , you are with them for money they are with you for whatever you did to attract them. So if a guy with more money liked you he would assume that you would jump ship, there will always be a hotter girl/guy out there. Don't kid yourself. How do people who marry for love get off calling that 'smart' anyhow. Ask all those housewives of NJ being sued and going to jail how smart that is. The next thing is looks? Attraction is attraction , doesn't mean you want to rip this persons clothes off but if you wouldn't mind laying around with them , making out, just having a nice time then that's enough attraction. When you get to know people they should grow on you. If after 4 months the best part is 'his hot bod' you are in for serious trouble if you marry them. You'll know when you have met someone truly special, don't push it because you want it to be 'this hot chick /guy' it may be the okay looking girl/guy down the hall who you say 'I wouldn't really date him/her, I mean I guess for fun". That person might be your soul mate and if he/she is acting sweet, putting you first, and laughing at your stupid jokes despite no being with you??? I mean , come on. Marriage is a scam because we screw ourselves with these false expectations. You can date someone you didn't find very attractive and fall so far in love with them you can't believe it. The chemistry is a lot more than skin deep.
I'M NOT HAPPY!!
The greatest words to hear when you are married are 'I am not happy". There is that "I" again! Detect my sarcasm? The worse part is your spouse associates not being happy with YOU. Perhaps your spouse is aging and wanted to do certain things. They are 'not happy' so do something about it? How can you? The only person who can ensure your spouses happiness is them. You can show them attention, pick up choirs , even take them out more often but it won't change anything if that person doesn't talk about what's making them unhappy and try to fix it. Some people need to see a doctor as they aren't happy because they are depressed. It's so much easier to blame you and the marriage however than face these issues. Again, the idea of NEW AND EXCITING with someone else can bring a 'temporary' state of happiness and maybe they end up leaving you and being SO HAPPY with this new person. Give it a few years , trust me. If your spouse is going on about happiness then do what you can but if they continue to talk down on your relationship or demand more of you, find a way out. I am not saying give up, I am telling you that you have misread this and they have given up. Your spouse may not even know they gave up yet but you should prepare yourself in every way because it's coming.
If You Are Considering Marriage
If any of these issues exist and you are considering marrying your spouse, please carefully reconsider it. If your spouse seems annoyed when you are sick or hurt, this is a terrible sign. If your to be spouse refuses to make strides you do or demands a lot of change from you then it's time to move on. You will find another person. If you are guy or a girl it doesn't matter. Sure there are more single females over 25 than male, but women almost initiate divorce more often and this leaves a lot of single guys who are good guys but very scared to date. Don't let their fear deter you if you really believe in love and know you wouldn't do that then break their shell. Also keep in mind that you do not have to get married. If someone trust and love you then being with you should be enough. At some point if you take this road please know that if marriage really matters to them you are going to have to marry them at some point. If she stuck with you through five years and never gave you a reason to doubt her/him, don't be a douche! Marry them. The following are to be considered before marriage:
- Does your family agree? We can say 'screw our family" all we want but if he/she loves you she/he should make strides to unite your family. Anything less isn't full commitment to you and if she says 'I give up" , she/he is probably weak. Let's be honest, if you love someone you won't give up until they force you to.
- Does this person work for their goals? If you are going to be the only income in the home, that's not good. I wouldn't do that. Now if you have a child with them that is young, sure , your spouse can stay home. Yet there are ways to may income from home and many careers they can be studying for. This isn't 1950, your spouse should be able to contribute in a healthy way as you should help contribute to them as well. Team.
- Is this person a cheater/criminal/druggy? I'm sorry , having a prescription for pills doesn't excuse being stoned all day because 'my back hurts'. If this person is known to cheat then guess what? You will not be any different. If this person has been in and out of trouble , they will not change their ways because you 'saved them' . Please stop.
- Does this person believe as I do? Perhaps you believe certain condition should exist in marriage. Be up front about this. Do not leave your spouse for gaining weight if they didn't know that was make or break. Do not expect your spouse to advance their income and leave them for not doing so. Talk about expectation. If you are a ride or die person, make sure your spouse is the same. Know the expectations and getting hurt becomes a lot less likely.
- Patience. You and your spouse are going to need patience. You will need to do things you do not want to. You might be exhausted but you may have to endure that to help your spouse feel better. It's a part of life and if you think that sucks wait until you have kids.
- Kids ARE NOT A REASON TO GET MARRIED. Please don't. You are far better off paying child support.
If Your Married And Think Its Going To End
I don't know what to tell you guys. I won't act like I do. I loved my wife so much and I was at her side whenever she needed anything. I was like a slave for her. We had issues I wanted to fix so bad and she never would. She wouldn't try. She had it in her mind what was going to happen. I tried to give her space, buy her gifts and surprises, told her how much I loved her, cooked , cleaned, kissed her good night and good morning. I really loved her. It still ended. The truth is the only thing you can do is to bail yourself. I know I said vowels and all of that but honestly it'll be better if you let them go. I have heard some of the most evil things from my wife. She was very upset that people hate for her leaving me. Her own mom is outraged and this infuriates her so much that she makes shit up. She claims I half 'assed' things but the truth is as her mother told me, I was the only one using ass at all. She never tried, never cleaned, no effort, nothing. I would bring her water because she wanted it. I would hold her when she was sick but If I got sick I couldn't show weakness to her or like a wild animal she would attack me. I thought I married someone else but I married my worse nightmare.
It Takes Two
If you can salvage your marriage please do so. Before you decide if you can think about your spouse. Are they going to change and help things? If the answer is no, then you can't salvage it. I am sorry. You two have to become one. You need to talk and you need to laugh, you need to get drunk on a random beach or river bank for whatever reason reason and look at the damn stars. You need to find those moments and focus on what's important. Not the bills, not the future, but only each other. So if you can save , do it. But if they think they are perfect in all of this then just leave it. You will never fix it.