ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel
  • »
  • Gender and Relationships»
  • Marriage

Marriage Problems and Advice

Updated on October 9, 2014
Tashaonthetown profile image

Natasha Pelati has published three books of poetry and writes on real-life experiences with the help of psychology.

A Perfect Marriage in a Perfect World

In a perfect world everyone in a relationship, especially long term ones are extremely happy. The husband and wife are completely fulfilled and the love can be felt all the time by everyone around them.

In a perfect marriage there is communication without arguing and problems get resolved without one of the partners threatening to leave or take kids away.

Yes i na perfect world marriage is bliss all the time, both partners are completely happy and satisfied and their thoughts and feelings are an open book......unfortunately we do not live in a perfect world and life is not a fairy tale!

Marriage in the real world is difficult and it has its challenges that many face throughout the years. There will be extremely fantastic moments and there will be extremes of hurt and pain.

Afterall, you are living with a member of the opposite and there is no way that everything will go your way all the time. Arguments will happen and along with facing the relationship problems you will have obstacles in between to contend with too.

It is not an easy ride but there are solutions to problems before you decide to let go and give up on your life long partner.

Marriage Problems and advice
Marriage Problems and advice | Source

The Seven Year Itch

When you have been married for more than seven years there is a time where little things will start to irritate you or your partner, where you will clash on opinions and ideas and most importantly where you will both have different ideas about what you would want your marriage and future to be.

For many the differences are so huge that the couples are heading in very different directions, for others it is about getting stuck into a rut falling into the lonely side, whilst for the majority it is just about a lack of communication.

Sadly there are some that go through changes and want different things that lead a partner to get left behind and it takes so long for them to reconnect that they drift away from each other completely.

Many relationships can survive marriage and the problems that they face but it is not easy and it will be about trying and compromise.

The end result will be an eternal life of love and happiness for some and for others it will be about starting life over.....the choice is yours and only you can decide whether you would want to save your marriage or end it.

After seven years of marriage for some reason things begin to change and partners tend to suddenly become aware of all the bad things that their spouses do, they almost regret having spent so much time with one person and they even mention what their lives would've been like if they had not met.

This is normal but it is how you work through this that can make or break the next chapter of your life.

Living and breathing with the same person, watching them do the same things day in and day out can be boring and it can really get you miserable if you have no adventure.

Why it takes seven years is because the first year you meet, you just love everything about your partner and they can do no wrong. The second year, you sort of let them know that there are things you like and don't like. The third year you begin to show your true colours and find the bad habits that you have never noticed and by the fourth year you either love or hate that person. Five years on you are happy and comfortable with each other but you now have debt, stress, kids and work which turns your life upside down and inside out.

By the seventh year one of you are working yourself sick in the home front and the other is getting sick of you altogether. The freewill part doesn't come into play anymore and the adventure has been replaced with misery and dull day to day norms.

At this stage you are wondering why you married this person and if there is a different life out there for you.

You wonder how things would have been different and how the person you married has changed so much. The wondering turns into an itchy feeling that you want something more and you want something different.

We would like to get back that feeling of being desired and wanted and your spouse on equal parts has learned to just live in comfort without telling you how much you mean to them. The attraction also goes away for a while and anyone that gives you the eye makes you wonder why you don't get that at home anymore.

This phase does pass but it is up to the partners to re - invent and spark their relationship by trying new things and seeing each other as they did when they first met.


Loneliness in marriage leaves a partner to feel like they are drowning
Loneliness in marriage leaves a partner to feel like they are drowning

Loneliness and Drifting Apart in Marriage

Yes this happens to everyone at some time or another in a marriage. We get stuck into a rut and partners forget or just don't have the time to spend with each other or an intimate and social level.

With having children, working and paying bills it gives no room for intimacy and while one partner is stuck comfortably in a rut, the other one is feeling lonely.

They find things to do to fill the empty feeling and continue on day by day living with this feeling until the relationship becomes emotionless and empty.

Children and hobbies fill up all the time and partners forget about their partnership. It eventually becomes so distant that they have nothing to say and no interest in each other at all.

Drifting apart in a marriage is a sad and lonely time because one partner feels neglected and the other feels as though they have been taken for granted.

To solve this problem it is very important to communicate your feelings and to remind each other that you were once carefree and in love.

The only way to do this is to make time for each other. You need to have a night off from being parents, from being responsible and from talking about bills and the worries of your everyday life.

A date night is a great way to get to know each other again and this gives you the time to just talk about each other and appreciate the fact that you have both made an effort to look good and get out!!!

Be adventurous and try something new to spice things up so that it is not boring and predictable.

You have to open up and let your partner know how you feel and work on why you have drifted apart before it is too late and you drift away completely.



What is the solution to your marital problems?

See results

Anger and Rage in Marriage

If you have been married for a while and you know that anger is not part of your spouses behavioural pattern, then you must know that something else is wrong.

Stress can lead to anger and rage if a person does not know how to deal with it and it builds up inside until there is no other outlet but to take it out on everyone they love.

Sometimes it can also be that one partner is upset with the other one succeeding in a way that they cannot and they lash out instead of being happy for the other ones success.

Medical problems can also cause anger and rage and high blood pressure is a common cause for anger issues.

It could also be that the old Mid Life Crisis is upon them and they have outbursts of anger and mood swings to go with it.

Alternatively it could be that there is something else that has caused them to react this way and anger or rage is unacceptable for anyone. They need to be told that you are not happy and that you are uncomfortable with the outbursts and they have to stop doing it.

If a partner cannot stop with the rage and anger than you need to decide whether or not this is the right partner for you and living with someone that is angry all the time is not pleasant and it will eat you up inside.

To work on this problem you need to get outside help and if they cannot or don't want to get it then you have to move on.


Partners Forget to Work on Their Relationship in Marriage

Marriages can be saved with effort and change
Marriages can be saved with effort and change

Financial Problems in Marriage

Financial problems in a marriage is one of the biggest causes of divorce. One spouse blames the other and one gets angry because the other does not understand just how bad the situation is.

Arguing and playing the blame game is a big part of financial problems and where a partner is wanting to fix the problem, the other is not prepared or not able to downgrade to help find a solution.

One person alone cannot carry the burden alone and there has got to be communication between the two partners in order to find a solution.

They have got to support each other and they have to learn strength as well as understanding that one might be good in the situation and the other might not know how to cope.

In financial strains, a couple have got to stand together and be strong together.

They have got to find ways to relieve the stress so that it is not taken out on each other causing one partner to feel as though it is their fault.

You are both feeling the strain and t is not fair to blame one or the other....just stand together to see it through.


Marriage Problems and Advice

Marriage has its fair share of problems

Loneliness

Adultery

Financial

Changes

Anger

In order to mend a marriage you have got to be able to communicate as friends rather than treat each other as enemies

Common Reasons For Marital Problems

Females
Males
 
Loneliness
Financial
 
Being taken for granted
Boredom
 
Neglect
Stress
 
Financial
Neglect
 

The Affair and Cheating in Marriage

An awful reason for marital problems but it does happen. Once partners have drifted apart or they have had many arguments, there is always a weaker partner and there is always a person waiting for opportunity.

The one spouse will feel neglected or unattractive and perhaps lacking intimacy at home and when feeling vulnerable, will be caught by the eye of someone else.

They might get a look or a flirt to make them feel good and that person would be willing to make them feel alive. At the wrong moment a spouse could be caught in the trap and one thing leads to another and another leads to hurting your marriage.

Nobody is to blame for a cheater because there are ways to work on your marriage before you get caught into the web of deceit.

There is no excuse for cheating on someone that you love, it does happen but if you really love someone that much, you wouldn't think to hurt them in that way.

Most people don't think and once the damage is done it is too late to take it back. Some partners are truly sorry for doing it and they open up to their spouse and let them know, others think that denial will let it go and for the rest getting caught is when they get to say sorry.

After a partner has cheated or had an affair, the other spouse wants to know why it happened and how they can fix it.

The sad truth here is that the relationship will never be the same and although they have been able to open up and find a way back to each other, trust will always be an issue.

Without trust in a relationship, there is no relationship and no matter how hard the spouse tries to fix it, the other one will always wonder and fear it happening again.

If you want to work this out, there has got to be complete openness. Cellphones, emails and social networks have got to be open for the other partner to see and should there be any friends that your partner is not comfortable with, you will need to be prepared to cut them out of your life.

Guys and girls nights out will have to be a thing of the past and your relationship with your partner should be the only one that you are willing to be in.

If you are wanting to go out, then it means having your spouse with you for as long as it takes to gain back their trust.


Going through Changes in Marriage

The person that you walked down the aisle with is still in there although they do not look exactly the same.

Life as a carefree couple changed once you got married and had children and many marriages tend to forget that there is still work needed to be done in their relationships with each other.

We all get older, we all change a little and we all want to better our lives and work on future plans.

For some the plans are different and where one partner wants a certain thing, the other wants the complete opposite.

There are other factors where the partner thinks the other one has changed in appearance, in personality and in ideals. That could be true but the person that you married is also the reason that you got married in the first place. They are still in there but just older and wiser.

For many the change of life can be devastating to the other spouse and at a certain age between 40 and 55 men go through a crisis mode where they feel that they are getting older and they have missed out on certain things. They also go back to moments that were the best years of their lives and want to relive those moments....not necessarily with their spouse.

Many women don't understand the crisis and many men deal with it in different ways. For some it is about gaining approval from the younger generation to prove to themselves that they still have appeal and for others it is getting the bike or car of their dreams after paying for education and putting their dream list aside to create a life for their families.

Women also go through a crisis mode and this is usually around the age of 37 to 40. They feel as though they are getting older, not attractive and if some goals have not been achieved then they fear it will never happen. Women in crisis also want approval and attention as well as wanting to prove to themselves that they are more than just a mom and a housewife.

For many marriages change is sometimes good and for others it works out differently. The secret to getting through these changes is to be your partners best friend, to able to communicate all the things that you want and wish and all the things that you are troubled with. Working through them together is not always easy but it can be done and should be tried before you call it a day.

Remind yourself that you were deeply in love once and take away the children, work and responsibility in order to see that the person that you fell in love with is the person that you will grow old with, gracefully or not is up to you.




The Secret to a Great Marriage

Communicate and let your partner into your head, nobody can read minds and if you don't speak up, your partner will never know what's going on.

Don't be afraid to speak and if your partner is the type to get angry when you want to talk then find another way to open up.

Get intimate, be adventurous and never turn each other down. It also helps to let your partner know what you like and what you don't like.

Have date nights and be best friends. Don't think of going on a date with heavy responsibility and make sure that your conversation on the date is carefree and fun.

Avoid things and situations that you know will make your partner unhappy. Social networks are great but it can be dangerous to marriage when there is a lack of open communication.

Keep the past in the past, although it is great to catch up with the past and remember the old days it is also not great for your partner to be left out. People that have not been a part of your married life will upset the applecart and could lead to unhappiness in a marriage. Past relationships and memories are fun to share but not a good idea to bring into your present life.

Accept change as sometimes it is good and healthy but if it is getting too much, step in a let your partner know.

Support each other and stand together in any situation as a unit. The problems will be lighter if you tackle them as one. Support your spouse and defend them no matter what.

How Strong is Your Marriage?


view quiz statistics

Comments

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    • Tashaonthetown profile image
      Author

      Natasha Pelati 3 years ago from South Africa

      Thats wonderful!!

    • teaches12345 profile image

      Dianna Mendez 3 years ago

      If people followed your advice, they would build a long lasting relationship. We have a date night each week and it has really enhanced our time together.

    • Tashaonthetown profile image
      Author

      Natasha Pelati 3 years ago from South Africa

      Thank you, yes ignoring each others feelings or not expressing them can jus cause a rift in a marriage

    • profile image

      GreenPrince 3 years ago

      Nice and heart-warming exposition about marriage . One of the main problems couples face is ignoring eacher others feelings on issues of major concerns.

    • Tashaonthetown profile image
      Author

      Natasha Pelati 3 years ago from South Africa

      Thank you for your comments and feedback. Yes absolutely important factor is Faith. I do believe that it does help having faith and something other than a relationship to believe in. There is a place to comfort and advise when partners cannot find the help that they need and this is God.

    • no body profile image

      Robert E Smith 3 years ago from Rochester, New York

      The last section of this article is where you've buried the "real gold." You have listed seven things that I feel are at the heart of every marriage problem and to do all seven will at least address most (if not all) of the problems a relationship will face. It is absolutely brilliant!

      You started off with communication and everyone knows how communication begins to slide as familiarity grows. People begin to assume that their mate "knows what they meant" when things are not communicated well or maybe not communicated at all. A grunt is supposed to communicate a yes or a no or an "alright for now" or any number of things. I have heard the statement said over and over again, "We have been married for _X_ years, he/she should be able to know what I mean/want!" No! mind-reading does not really exist (that I know of).

      Intimacy/sexuality: Here is a frustrating one. From the woman's side: She is usually looking at a man so comfortable with her that he farts in her presence, has taken for granted her cooking, and has openly ogled women on TV that look perfect. She never hears him say he loves her or she is pretty anymore, so why should she try to pull it out of him? He used to be so attentive and mannerly, and polite and loving, even sexy. Doesn't he know how tired she gets and suddenly she is supposed to put on a sexy smile and take care of him, knowing he will probably not care if she is satisfied or not? She never saw this side of him when dating... Why? because he knew she would never have him if he did. And somehow he still thinks as soon as an erection comes to him, she will take care of it. NO, it usually will not happen. Usually. On the man's side: He is tired too. He was listening close to what she did not like before marriage and over the course of years she has not let him know that his "non-sociable" habits are as disgusting as she thinks them to be. She has allowed her resentments over so many things build and has not communicated so that habits at least can be curbed, if not stopped all together. He feels that he is fine being the way he is. He "knows" that she "knows" he loves her, and it doesn't seem all that important to him that it is voiced to her over and over. He thinks the least that she can do is take care of him sexually. Even if she just allows him an orgasm (which won't take that long or take much effort).... I TOTALLY AGREE WITH You and with your statement that NEITHER should ever refuse the other sexually but that takes communication. He has to step up to the dating behavior and understand that what was his dating behavior is the behavior that she will respond to. It will remind her of the man she fell in love with. She has to understand that sometimes men are just simply stupid. I say this as a man. We need the women in our lives to help us to be the men we need to be. I have told my wife that if I ever treat her as badly as we have seen men treat their wives that she has my permission to kick my butt and until I can see out my backside. What men do just because they are comfortable in THEIR home is outrageous. It is HER home too!

      Wow I could go on and on...

      But I would add an eighth Factor to your list and that is "The Sharing of a Spiritual Life." When each partner looks to God and gets closer to Him then they by consequence will become closer to each other. And becoming more spiritual, in my experience, makes each more lovely to the other. Very good article Tasha, voted up, awesome, useful and interesting. Thank you. Bob.

    • Tashaonthetown profile image
      Author

      Natasha Pelati 3 years ago from South Africa

      Yes getting married for the wrong reasons is also a good point. At a certain age people are pressured and fel they have to do it, leading to marriage that is not happy and with the wrong person for the wrong reasons. So true, seeing an imperfect person perfectly!

      True love has no problems, other than the few arguments about stupid little things but in general real love can conquer all and a perfect marriage is about the two partners being united as one, accepting the good with the bad.

    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 3 years ago

      There is a lot of truth in what you listed in this hub. Voted up & useful!

      " The third year you begin to show your true colours and find the bad habits..etc" It's too bad people don't reveal their "true colors" during the dating process.

      In my opinion the #1 cause for divorce is (choosing) the "wrong mate" for oneself. It's really hard not to when both people are playing a game of "bait & switch"; Saying and doing whatever it takes to impress and win each other's heart only to reveal their (true colors).

      The #2 reason for divorce is getting married for the (wrong reasons). A person had an age goal, all their friends were married, an unplanned pregnancy, or an ultimatum was given...etc

      As you noted cheating especially if it were in connection with one person's lack of sexual interest in their mate or emotional neglect are also common. Menopause in women and medical issues for men with regard to their prostrate can also affect desire and passion. This often coincides with the period most people reflect on their lives and realistically realize they have more years behind them then they do ahead of them. Some people may call it having a "mid-life crisis" but I prefer to call it a "mid-life awakening". It's a time to stop taking days, weeks, months, and years for granted. Oftentimes people choose to create "bucket lists" or give it one more short to pursue a lifelong dream.

      The most important requirement for a long lasting marriage is for people to continue to be "in love" and "growing together".

      There is no amount of work or "communication" which can overcome being with someone who does not want what you want.

      Very few people are looking for someone to "change" them. Most people want to be loved and accepted for who (they) are!

      There are only two ways to experience joy and peace of mind in relationships. We either get what we want or we learn to be happy with what we have. Stay or move on the choice is up to us.

      “Love isn't finding a perfect person. It's seeing an imperfect person perfectly" - Sam Keen