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Married Couples, How to Talk About Lack of Intimacy

Updated on May 18, 2012

© 2012 Katina Davenport

Sex within the covenant of marriage is an expected blessing. It is the ultimate height of the marital relationship. On average a married couple has sex a little more than once a week, which adds up to 58 times per year. [1] Once or twice a week seems like a low number, but for some couples this is their norm. Frequency and normalcy depend on prior agreements between the couple. What works for one couple will not work for the other.

What happens when there is a noticeable, consistent lack of intimacy in a marriage? Can you call it sexless? Classifying a marriage as sexless is debatable. A sexless marriage could consist of no sex for a number of months due to illness, emotional distress in the marriage, or having an asexual partner. It could also be a result of a permanent, physical injury. If a married couple finds their intimate life dwindling down, and both are healthy, then pinpointing the root cause will help revive what was dead. Sadly, a lot of couples are just not willing to communicate. Either they do not know how to communicate or one is blaming the other and talking is non-negotiable.

The sad reality of lack of intimacy is the temptation to cheat. Cheating is the immature approach. Although married couples know the repercussions of infidelity, still it is estimated that 30%-60% of married couples will encounter some sort of infidelity in their marriage. [2] Emotional or physical infidelity will only gratify the immediate need for attention with the risk of losing the marriage. Cheating never solves the lack of intimacy issue. That is why talking this problem out is so important.

Communicating the Lack of Sex

If there is a consistent lack of intimacy in a marriage here is an easy guideline for discussing this issue. Discuss physical and mental health. Being in good to excellent physical health can determine the body’s response to sexual signals. If both parties are in great health then begin a discussion on stress, then branch out to other questions about physical and emotional well-being. Ask and answer questions openly and honestly such as:

· What things are causing stress in your life i.e. your job, aging parents, business obligations?

· Is your spouse experiencing stress on the job? Does your spouse think he or she will be losing their job?

· Are you a stay-at-home mother? What kind of stress are you experiencing while at home? Do you need help with the children?

· If your wife had a baby recently, ask her about how she feels raising the baby. Is she overwhelmed? How is she feeling about the changes inside her body and her physical appearance?

· Are you worried about your financial situation? Are you losing your home? Do you have mounting bills?

These are just a few questions to consider. Although every situation is different, when each party communicates their reasons for not wanting sex, or wanting sex; each one can come up with a solution. If immediate solutions are not made, communicating the issue will unload the negative emotional feelings that come with the lack of sex.

How would you talk to your spouse about the lack of intimacy in your marriage?


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    • davenstan profile image

      Katina Davenport 5 years ago

      Congratulations on 25 years of marriage jaswinder64. Thanks for stopping by.

    • jaswinder64 profile image

      jaswinder64 5 years ago from Toronto, Canada.

      Very useful article for married couples. I am married with my husband for 25 years. We are happy couple, sometimes due to tiredness, we cannot take care of each other, now I will do.

    • profile image

      Thiyagu 5 years ago

      Sex is the only thing which differentiates all relationship against husband and wife relationship. Now days lack of sex is common problem between husband and wife because of they do not find time in bed since they running behind money with stress for a luxury life but failed to fulfill their partner's love and body.

    • davenstan profile image

      Katina Davenport 5 years ago

      You are, sex is essential part of the marriage. If a couple is following the Bible then they should know their bodies belong to each other. Thanks for reading no body

    • no body profile image

      Robert E Smith 5 years ago from Rochester, New York

      I am a man of the Bible and the word says that sex is to be part of the marriage, unless it is to abstain for a time of prayer and then to again come together lest Satan tempt. Marriage is a covenant that includes the technical "ownership" of each other's body. My wife owns my body. I have made a promise to her and to God that I will never say no to her, no matter how tired, sick or other things or distractions that may exist. I think in our 14 years I have only been sick once (and too exhausted once so I fell asleep) enough to not give my wife what she needed. I confessed that to God and said that it was not right and asked God to help me make up for my failure to fulfill my God-given responibilities. Of course, my wife thought that I was too hard on myself but I take this stuff seriously. She owns this body according to Scripture. I did not press her to make that same commitment to me but I think she has. As each partner commits to be all that the other needs then they see how the marriage is solidified between them. Sex is merely one aspect. Great hub.

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      fruitfullife 5 years ago

      It takes both of the people on the couple do determine how much sex will be had. The husband and wife should be in tune to each other and should compromise. One party should not be asking and bugging constantly and the other should not always be turning them down. There are always extrenuating circumstances though. Maybe the one doing the asking isn't thinking about when they're asking and needs to figure out a better time to ask?

    • profile image

      Terjason 5 years ago

      Providing a Useful information in a nice and effective manner. Article Explained in clearly,nowadays it should be clear otherwise it will leads into problem.

    • profile image

      Rosemarie Faburada 5 years ago

      Im a single woman, if ever I decided to be married I would make it sure that the man I be marrying can satisfy my sex needs.

    • davenstan profile image

      Katina Davenport 5 years ago

      My husband actually wanted to write this article so he asked me.One or the other, somehow, someway changes. The nature of the relationship changes when one doesn't have the ability or is not interested. Whatever the reason, couples still need to communicate otherwise the marriage will be lost.

    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 5 years ago

      Very interesting hub! Voted up and useful!

      Personally speaking I have never heard of a couple waking up one day and saying together, "Lets stop having sex!". LOl! I suspect what happens is (one person) makes themselves less available or turns down the other enough times that he or she eventually gives up on initiating sex. The person who does not want to have sex is actually grateful if their mate doesn't pursue the communication route. And yet they would be upset if their partner cheated on them or left them.

      I cannot think of any other scenario where people actually believe if you stop doing something things will remain the same. We’d all do better to remember the lyrics of the old Impressions song, “The same thing it took to get your baby is the same thing it’s going to take to keep them.” Awhile back I wrote a hub related to this topic.