ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

Married to Selfish

Updated on April 16, 2016

Can I keep doing this?

As I sit here and write about my life and how I feel, it is important that you know how important it is to stick to your values and morals. I have recently been challenged to choose the high road over the temptation of my twin soul. I dream about them, I can't stop thinking about them - I want them. How do you go on with a husband who can only talk about himself and has left you with innuendo's that he is gay (or in his case bisexual). The only thing I wanted to be successful at, which is having a marriage that lasts for life and having children who get to have both parents in love.

The only thing I wanted to be successful at, which is having a marriage that lasts for life and having children who get to have both parents in love. I am failing - I have been lied to, I have had to endure extreme pain, and I have lost myself. I continuously get told that I am the problem and that I make him be the victim - yet I raise my children alone while he galavants wit men all day long. Andy is his lover, he is 56, and Josh is 26. How did I not know? how did I get fooled? I am the girl that is loving, caring, and true. Now I met a guy named Justin who I was not fond of at first, and now I cannot stop thinking about him. I want him. I want to go out, I wan to experience him.

Am I wrong for feeling this way? If you knew deep down your husband was gay living a lie, would you feel guilty wanting another man? I want to be happy, but I also want is what is best. Is it ok that I want someone else who is electric in every way and that spiritually I do not have th energy or control to stay away from? I mean come on - I do not even know this person. I wan t to rip his clothes off and give him the time of his life. I want to be loved, I want to have someting real, but is this fair to my children (3 and 1)?

How do I choose? Can I really be naive enough to think that my husband would choose me in the end? Can I really be that naive enough to think that Justin could be that guy who takes on a divorced woman with two children who are not his own? This is reality and I hate it. I want something I cannnot have and I am a mess. I want him, I want Justin so badly. His voice is the voice that I cannot ignore. It is inviting, it is raspy, it is sexy, it is desirable. I want to hear that voice call my name while making aggressively passionate sex. Am I monster? Why am I thinking about this? I am a married woman who has had two beautiful children.

Am I monster? Why am I thinking about this? I am a married woman who has had two beautiful children. I am 120 lbs, with zero stretch marks from pregnancy! I may not have the biggest boobs or ass, but I have survived having two babies.

I am tired of wearing lingerie that gets me nowhere. I am tired of throwing myself onto someone who is not committed. I am tired of rejection!!!! I needed a partner, instead I have gotten a man who only thinks about himself! Justin, I think he is different - he has emotional control...he has stopped our flirting through text. Every once in awhile will he say something to me that is remotely flirty and thrilling.

Yet I do not care, the connection I have with him both in person and virtually is so strong that I want to see this one through. I want to know what he is about and who he is. I want him!! I am tired of being alone, I am tired of being put down, and I am tired of the physical abuse.

Is Justin worth it? How will I know? Can I ever know without actually taking action? I want life in raw form - am I living life in raw form?

Where to begin

Unhappy

I am a 27-year-old female who sits and wait for change, the only thing I get is more distance. Now I am faced with the biggest challenge I have faced yet...do I stay with my husband or do I leave him; knowing I have a 3 and 1-year-old who I have raised alone. I am so lonely. I am tired of waiting, i am tired of hearing about him. Most importantly I am tired of heing excuses about his timeline. I keep telling him that I will support him and be there for him, but he rejects it. I am rejected daily. I deserve better. I want something that is real!

Comments

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    No comments yet.

    working

    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, hubpages.com uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at: https://hubpages.com/privacy-policy#gdpr

    Show Details
    Necessary
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the googleapis.com or gstatic.com domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Features
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Marketing
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Statistics
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)