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Married to Selfish

Updated on April 16, 2016

Can I keep doing this?

As I sit here and write about my life and how I feel, it is important that you know how important it is to stick to your values and morals. I have recently been challenged to choose the high road over the temptation of my twin soul. I dream about them, I can't stop thinking about them - I want them. How do you go on with a husband who can only talk about himself and has left you with innuendo's that he is gay (or in his case bisexual). The only thing I wanted to be successful at, which is having a marriage that lasts for life and having children who get to have both parents in love.

The only thing I wanted to be successful at, which is having a marriage that lasts for life and having children who get to have both parents in love. I am failing - I have been lied to, I have had to endure extreme pain, and I have lost myself. I continuously get told that I am the problem and that I make him be the victim - yet I raise my children alone while he galavants wit men all day long. Andy is his lover, he is 56, and Josh is 26. How did I not know? how did I get fooled? I am the girl that is loving, caring, and true. Now I met a guy named Justin who I was not fond of at first, and now I cannot stop thinking about him. I want him. I want to go out, I wan to experience him.

Am I wrong for feeling this way? If you knew deep down your husband was gay living a lie, would you feel guilty wanting another man? I want to be happy, but I also want is what is best. Is it ok that I want someone else who is electric in every way and that spiritually I do not have th energy or control to stay away from? I mean come on - I do not even know this person. I wan t to rip his clothes off and give him the time of his life. I want to be loved, I want to have someting real, but is this fair to my children (3 and 1)?

How do I choose? Can I really be naive enough to think that my husband would choose me in the end? Can I really be that naive enough to think that Justin could be that guy who takes on a divorced woman with two children who are not his own? This is reality and I hate it. I want something I cannnot have and I am a mess. I want him, I want Justin so badly. His voice is the voice that I cannot ignore. It is inviting, it is raspy, it is sexy, it is desirable. I want to hear that voice call my name while making aggressively passionate sex. Am I monster? Why am I thinking about this? I am a married woman who has had two beautiful children.

Am I monster? Why am I thinking about this? I am a married woman who has had two beautiful children. I am 120 lbs, with zero stretch marks from pregnancy! I may not have the biggest boobs or ass, but I have survived having two babies.

I am tired of wearing lingerie that gets me nowhere. I am tired of throwing myself onto someone who is not committed. I am tired of rejection!!!! I needed a partner, instead I have gotten a man who only thinks about himself! Justin, I think he is different - he has emotional control...he has stopped our flirting through text. Every once in awhile will he say something to me that is remotely flirty and thrilling.

Yet I do not care, the connection I have with him both in person and virtually is so strong that I want to see this one through. I want to know what he is about and who he is. I want him!! I am tired of being alone, I am tired of being put down, and I am tired of the physical abuse.

Is Justin worth it? How will I know? Can I ever know without actually taking action? I want life in raw form - am I living life in raw form?

Where to begin

Unhappy

I am a 27-year-old female who sits and wait for change, the only thing I get is more distance. Now I am faced with the biggest challenge I have faced yet...do I stay with my husband or do I leave him; knowing I have a 3 and 1-year-old who I have raised alone. I am so lonely. I am tired of waiting, i am tired of hearing about him. Most importantly I am tired of heing excuses about his timeline. I keep telling him that I will support him and be there for him, but he rejects it. I am rejected daily. I deserve better. I want something that is real!

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