ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

Match.com Profile Photos...What Were They Thinking???

Updated on January 17, 2018

Oh! I've got mail...a wink! Could it be from Mr. Right? If it is, we need to have a discussion about how long he's taken to get here! I open the e-mail, breathless with anticipation...and there he is...the man of my ....DAAAAANNGGGG! That was scary!

I've just been the recipient of the dreaded "jumpback"...you know, that profile picture so horrific it makes you jump back from your computer screen in horror and say "What the heck was that??"

THE RULES

I've viewed more than my share of these pictures and I'm here to say, folks, it ain't very pretty! And the thing is, it could all be fixed so easily if men could follow a few simple guidelines. I know the online dating sites put up their only silly little guidelines for profile photos, but really, do ya need to be told it shouldn't be your high school prom or wedding photo...seriously??

So here are my guidelines for main profile pics on online dating sites...men and some women take note:

{1} This is for men, well hey, it could be for women, but since I don't go around perusing women's profiles...I couldn't tell you. Don't be holding a big ole' wide mouth bass in your picture. Heck, I'm glad you have hobbies, but that fish just evokes all kinds of unpleasant thoughts like how you'll smell when you get home after a day of fishing and even worse, that you might be bringing that sucker home for me to clean, God forbid!

[2} No wife beaters. I'm not talking about men who abuse their spouses after a weekend PBR drinking bender, I'm talking about those sleeveless wife beater t-shirts that should only be seen underneath a dress shirt. I don't want to see your big hairy biceps with the tattoo of a hula girl on them. Cover up. In fact, no tank shirts of any kind, please, that's for the gym.

GO SOLO IN YOUR PICTURE

[3} No pictures of you with your former wife, mistress, ex live-in lover, with a big black box over her face or a bad crop job cutting her out of the picture. Besides tacky, it's just plain wrong. We'll be wondering if we're the one who's next.

(4) While we're on the subject, of other women, no pictures of you standing surrounded by a bevy of attractive women. Shoot, if you could get those kind of women you wouldn't be on match.com. so stop paying those Hooters girls to pose with you! Besides, women have low self-esteem, we know we'll suffer in comparison.

(5) No self-portraits you took in your bathroom, airport bathrooms, make that any bathrooms. we'll be thinking about what you just did in there and more importantly, if you washed your hands afterward.

NAKED ISN"T NECESSARILY NICE

{6} Please, put your clothes on! Leave something to the imagination, for goodness sake! And unless your name is Jacques or Pierre, please leave that Speedo in the drawer at home. Scratch that, EVEN if your name is Jacques or Pierre, leave that Speedo at home, preferably in the curbie where it belongs! Good Lord, men, leave something to our imaginations!

{7} Don't be wearing a jumpsuit, especially if it's orange, red, or striped. Seriously, that will kinda tip us off that you ain't exactly on the up and up. ditto, on the holding a number under your chin.

{8} Smile! Don't look like you did the day you walked out of divorce court and found out your ex-wife was not only taking your kids, your house, your bass boat, your John Deere tractor, but also your hound dog Buckshot. At least attempt to look like you might be fun to be with even if you're not.

PLEASE BE MR. RIGHT!

{9} Most importantly, try to look normal. We've had more than our share of crazies and whack jobs and we're tired. Please be neat, clean, clothed, smiling, and most of all, ready to meet us and sweep us off our feet!

working

This website uses cookies

As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, hubpages.com uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at: https://corp.maven.io/privacy-policy

Show Details
Necessary
HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the googleapis.com or gstatic.com domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
Features
Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
Marketing
Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
Statistics
Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)
ClickscoThis is a data management platform studying reader behavior (Privacy Policy)