Match.com Profile Photos...What Were They Thinking???

Oh! I've got mail...a wink! Could it be from Mr. Right? If it is, we need to have a discussion about how long he's taken to get here! I open the e-mail, breathless with anticipation...and there he is...the man of my ....DAAAAANNGGGG! That was scary!

I've just been the recipient of the dreaded "jumpback"...you know, that profile picture so horrific it makes you jump back from your computer screen in horror and say "What the heck was that??"

I've viewed more than my share of these pictures and I'm here to say, folks, it ain't very pretty! And the thing is, it could all be fixed so easily if men could follow a few simple guidelines. I know the online dating sites put up their only silly little guidelines for profile photos, but really, do ya need to be told it shouldn't be your high school prom or wedding photo...seriously??

So here are my guidelines for main profile pics on online dating sites...men and some women take note:

{1} This is for men, well hey, it could be for women, but since I don't go around perusing women's profiles...I couldn't tell you. Don't be holding a big ole' wide mouth bass in your picture. Heck, I'm glad you have hobbies, but that fish just evokes all kinds of unpleasant thoughts like how you'll smell when you get home after a day of fishing and even worse, that you might be bringing that sucker home for me to clean, God forbid!

[2} No wife beaters. I'm not talking about men who abuse their spouses after a weekend PBR drinking bender, I'm talking about those sleeveless wife beater t-shirts that should only be seen underneath a dress shirt. I don't want to see your big hairy biceps with the tattoo of a hula girl on them. Cover up. In fact, no tank shirts of any kind, please, that's for the gym.

[3} No pictures of you with your former wife, mistress, ex live-in lover, with a big black box over her face or a bad crop job cutting her out of the picture. Besides tacky, it's just plain wrong. We'll be wondering if we're the one who's next.

(4) While we're on the subject, of other women, no pictures of you standing surrounded by a bevy of attractive women. Shoot, if you could get those kind of women you wouldn't be on match.com. so stop paying those Hooters girls to pose with you! Besides, women have low self-esteem, we know we'll suffer in comparison.

(5) No self-portraits you took in your bathroom, airport bathrooms, make that any bathrooms. we'll be thinking about what you just did in there and more importantly, if you washed your hands afterward.

{6} Please, put your clothes on! Leave something to the imagination, for goodness sake! And unless your name is Jacques or Pierre, please leave that Speedo in the drawer at home. Scratch that, EVEN if your name is Jacques or Pierre, leave that Speedo at home, preferably in the curbie where it belongs! Good Lord, men, leave something to our imaginations!

{7} Don't be wearing a jumpsuit, especially if it's orange, red, or striped. Seriously, that will kinda tip us off that you ain't exactly on the up and up. ditto, on the holding a number under your chin.

{8} Smile! Don't look like you did the day you walked out of divorce court and found out your ex-wife was not only taking your kids, your house, your bass boat, your John Deere tractor, but also your hound dog Buckshot. At least attempt to look like you might be fun to be with even if you're not.

{9} Most importantly, try to look normal. We've had more than our share of crazies and whack jobs and we're tired. Please be neat, clean, clothed, smiling, and most of all, ready to meet us and sweep us off our feet!