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Match.com Profile Photos...What Were They Thinking???
Oh! I've got mail...a wink! Could it be from Mr. Right? If it is, we need to have a discussion about how long he's taken to get here! I open the e-mail, breathless with anticipation...and there he is...the man of my ....DAAAAANNGGGG! That was scary!
I've just been the recipient of the dreaded "jumpback"...you know, that profile picture so horrific it makes you jump back from your computer screen in horror and say "What the heck was that??"
THE RULES
I've viewed more than my share of these pictures and I'm here to say, folks, it ain't very pretty! And the thing is, it could all be fixed so easily if men could follow a few simple guidelines. I know the online dating sites put up their only silly little guidelines for profile photos, but really, do ya need to be told it shouldn't be your high school prom or wedding photo...seriously??
So here are my guidelines for main profile pics on online dating sites...men and some women take note:
{1} This is for men, well hey, it could be for women, but since I don't go around perusing women's profiles...I couldn't tell you. Don't be holding a big ole' wide mouth bass in your picture. Heck, I'm glad you have hobbies, but that fish just evokes all kinds of unpleasant thoughts like how you'll smell when you get home after a day of fishing and even worse, that you might be bringing that sucker home for me to clean, God forbid!
[2} No wife beaters. I'm not talking about men who abuse their spouses after a weekend PBR drinking bender, I'm talking about those sleeveless wife beater t-shirts that should only be seen underneath a dress shirt. I don't want to see your big hairy biceps with the tattoo of a hula girl on them. Cover up. In fact, no tank shirts of any kind, please, that's for the gym.
GO SOLO IN YOUR PICTURE
[3} No pictures of you with your former wife, mistress, ex live-in lover, with a big black box over her face or a bad crop job cutting her out of the picture. Besides tacky, it's just plain wrong. We'll be wondering if we're the one who's next.
(4) While we're on the subject, of other women, no pictures of you standing surrounded by a bevy of attractive women. Shoot, if you could get those kind of women you wouldn't be on match.com. so stop paying those Hooters girls to pose with you! Besides, women have low self-esteem, we know we'll suffer in comparison.
(5) No self-portraits you took in your bathroom, airport bathrooms, make that any bathrooms. we'll be thinking about what you just did in there and more importantly, if you washed your hands afterward.
NAKED ISN"T NECESSARILY NICE
{6} Please, put your clothes on! Leave something to the imagination, for goodness sake! And unless your name is Jacques or Pierre, please leave that Speedo in the drawer at home. Scratch that, EVEN if your name is Jacques or Pierre, leave that Speedo at home, preferably in the curbie where it belongs! Good Lord, men, leave something to our imaginations!
{7} Don't be wearing a jumpsuit, especially if it's orange, red, or striped. Seriously, that will kinda tip us off that you ain't exactly on the up and up. ditto, on the holding a number under your chin.
{8} Smile! Don't look like you did the day you walked out of divorce court and found out your ex-wife was not only taking your kids, your house, your bass boat, your John Deere tractor, but also your hound dog Buckshot. At least attempt to look like you might be fun to be with even if you're not.
PLEASE BE MR. RIGHT!
{9} Most importantly, try to look normal. We've had more than our share of crazies and whack jobs and we're tired. Please be neat, clean, clothed, smiling, and most of all, ready to meet us and sweep us off our feet!
Comments
Funny rated and thumbs up! It was a great read and I can relate! LOL! Thanks for sharing such helpful tips.
Great read....made me laugh....I too have spent time on the "dreaded" online dating sites. For the most part I try and keep it on the "down low", if by chance I hit it off with a potential dating partner, we always make up an alternate meeting alibi, like we had mutual friends who set us up. Its never cool to admit you are on a dating site to anyone....especially your family....lol
I see the self-taken in-the-bathroom photos all too often... Seriously, there must be friends who can take your photo for you, right? Thanks for the Hub!
I met my fiancé on Match.com. I always hated when people took pictures of themselves in the mirror. But the thing I hated most was when a girl would post a picture of her cat. She wouldn't even be in the picture... just the cat! =)As a former match.com member I really enjoyed this post. It should be required reading on match.com before you can sign up.
lol...you are so welcome DIYweddingplanner!!! It's soo refreshing when someone pens the thoughts that have been plaguing your mind!!! At least we have laughter to keep us from crying at the poor selection of prospects.
Update: I viewed a profile of a man who had his picture taken lying in a hospital bed with gown-get up and all. WOW!!! (I'm assuming he's looking for a naughty nurse). I'll be honest, I thought some of your advice was humorously exaggerated until I saw a profile picture TAKEN of a guy's driver's license photo, and yes...with no exaggeration, another guy held serial numbers under his chin. Hence, your advice from #9: try to LOOK normal is going to be a stretch!!! ~~~SMILES!!!
DIY!!! You've written "my article". Thank you!! I especially appreciated 'no bathroom' or 'shirt-less' photos as these seem to be the most popular cyber no-no's. Do they not have at least one trusted friend that can take their picture? And they always forget to look at the camera so they're looking OFF at the reflection instead! Guys have to refrain from doing things they want women to do, thinking that we desire the same things. Final note on my ramble: Better to keep your shirt on and be thought of as clueless, than to take your shirt off and remove all doubt. Happy Day!!
Good post, but lets not forget the lady pics of you and your cat. Where there's one cat there's more. Nothing as wonderful as a "cat-lady." Keep petting your cat.
Good tips! Ha! Never looked at these photoss. I guess most Halloween costumes would not be recommended, either.
Funny. It was cool seeing it from a womans perspective. And I thought just the woman photos were nuts. They do the same Bridal, picture of when they were 16 but they are 50 now, How about those ones that use the Glamor Shot photos. Like we could not tell when we meet. I guess there are good laughs all around on those sites
Yes, I do. My favorite pictures around here resemble mugshots or pictures that appear to have been taken at oddly surprising moments.
I've always been an "odd bird" myself, so I suppose you have a point.
DIY, great job! Very funny!
You know, some of the same rules could be easily applied to profile pictures here at HP. I've seen some doozies.
loved it, hillarious!... and true,.... soo true
It's a good way to end the day, reading and laughing about your great hub. LOL
Funny but true. I hate seeing any picture of a man without a shirt if he is not on a beach or hanging out by the pool.
Another great post. God, I am glad I am married!
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