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Men and Pornography

Updated on September 12, 2014

Unlike my partner, I do not feel the need to check his phone, monitor his mail or any of those stupid things that we sometimes do when we have that womans intutuion that somethings amiss.

However, I recently purchased a membership to an online movie provider and noticed all the sudden he has a problem sleeping. he's up at 3- 4 am. Says he just can't sleep even though he has medication to help. At first i didn't think much of it. It was aggravating but not of much significance. i tis only since this morning that i found out the reason for his insomnia.

I always check the quque to see what has been watched on my account. A few times I have found questionable viewings but he always dismissed them as " oh I turned it on but I feel asleep or I didn't know it had that kind of material in it". It worked for awhile until I saw the list this morning. Thats when the real reason for the sudden for his sleeping problems came to light.

I am far from a prude and at 51 still consider myself beautiful and desirable. When I refer to offensive material I don't meant the ocassional boob shot that is common in almost all movies now days...but what should instead of being listed as "NR Not Rated" should be listed as "Adults Only" or more appropiatelt "Trash". From the moment this movie came on ...its starring character was engaging in sex with 5 men at once, then her lesiban roomate, then another man and another and so on. It had no story line at all and still amazes me that a person could watch 181 minutes of this..."of course he fell asleep and didn't watch it".

While I do realize that there are persons that enjoy these types of movies I am shocked that it would be someone who has a partner sleeping next to them. I have discussed this with many of my friends and accquaintances and have gotten the responses from "I would be pissed to Oh well what does it hurt"?

Maybe for many it doesn't hurt a thing ...maybe they enjoy this type of thing together..all is good and well. But for certain ones of us, it is offensive, it is degrading, it is humiliating and sadly it can be the end of the relationship. In my circumstances it is!!

As a victim of child sexual abuse and rape I always thought that sex would be different when it involved two consenting partners in an exclusive relationship. I was wrong!!

If you have been through what I have been through and managed to make a semblance of a life for yourself..this is enough to destroy you. You spend your day watching this "trash" to see what it is in you that is missing, why aren't you good enough, why does he need this? You compare yourself to the airbrushed images on the screen knowing you will never compare or measure up.

It does hurt... it kills the self-esteem you have worked so hard to build, it eats away at your dignity and self respect. It makes you feel less than a woman...less than a person. It is a type of intimate betrayal that even though the woman says nothing...wounds and damages the most inner parts of her soul, of what she is...of what she assumed she was and worst of all the trust that she had placed in someone who obviously didn't deserve it.


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    • Deborah Demander profile image

      Deborah Demander 11 months ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      This is an interesting article, and you make some valid points.

      I agree with dashingscorpio, that it is more a matter of agree versus disagree.

      I was abused as a child, and then in a 20 year abusive marriage. My husband was addicted to pornography, and while I tried to remind myself that it wasn't about me, his obsession adversely affected our relationship, as well as his daily life.

      If your partner watched a movie that was not something you liked, you could first have a conversation with him about it. Try to see his point of view, and consider why this is so distressing to you.

      What about the situation feels threatening? Remember, in the end, you only have control over yourself. And only you can decide if this is a deal breaker for you.

      Good luck.


    • Eiddwen profile image

      Eiddwen 4 years ago from Wales

      A great read and leaves much food for thought .

      Thank you for sharing and enjoy your weekend.


    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 5 years ago

      I think you made some very valid points. However as a man I know there are lots of men who don't consider porn to be a form or cheating or disrespect to their relationship. If they suspect their significant other would be offended they’ll watch it when she is not around. As you noted some women watch these types of movies with their men! Watching porn is a vice much like smoking, drinking, gambling and drugs. Not everyone approves of it or wants to be with someone who engages in it. I believe couples would be better served to not look at such things as "right" or "wrong" but rather as "agree" or "disagree". Ultimately we are looking for someone that (naturally agrees) with us. Unfortunately when we get involved with people we can't think of everything to ask them before becoming emotionally invested. I have never had a woman ask me how I felt about watching pornography or what causes a man to want to watch porn when there is a woman lying next to him.

      Certainly there is no (one answer) that would explain this for every situation. For some men it might be just seeing a different naked woman, for others it may be this woman loves to do things that his own woman has stopped doing or is unwilling to do. Other men want to experience sex for sex’s sake. This would be just down and dirty on the floor, in the shower, or whatever. A lot of women in long-term relationships adopt a wait until the man comes to them for sex. In many porn movies the women are aggressive, use sexual innuendo, tease, and seduce their partners. They may be very vocal with encouragement during the act as well as using 4 letter words. You’d be surprised at how many women rarely initiate sex in long-term relationships or marriages. There is a big difference between a woman being “available” for her man and making him feel “desired”

      Awhile back I wrote a hub titled, “What makes a woman good in bed?”

      However at the end of the day I would tell any woman not take a man’s interest in porn personally. Odds are if he were with any other woman he would still watch it! All that matters is you don’t want him to watch it. This brings to mind a different issue. We all know we cannot “change” another person. There are only two ways to experience joy and happiness in relationships. We either get what we want or we learn to be happy with what we have. Any woman in this situation has to decide whether or not watching porn is a “deal breaker”. That’s a personal decision.

    • Pollyannalana profile image

      Pollyannalana 5 years ago from US

      I certainly agree with you too. Some women think this is OK and I cannot understand that. It cheapens a relationship and it is wrong and when something is wrong there is a reason it is wrong. I saw a show on something like 20/20 about a man so hooked on porn he did not want a real woman and I think that is probably the best scenario. I think very many are into this and probably you won't get a lot a comments because of that. It is even recommended by some therapists. People know in their hearts right from wrong though and that is what we should go by.

      I had a poem about it once but took it down. I think it was having the opposite effect than what I intended. Brave thing to write about.


    • christalluna1124 profile image

      christalluna1124 5 years ago from Dallas Texas

      PM Mcray and Alma,

      thank you for your comments and imput on this hub. It is the first I have written in awhile. It just makes me wonder how the men in our lives think we should feel when they lay up watching this kind of garbage and then want to get their jollies with us. I always tell mine... put it in the dvd and push play!!! LOL

      Warmest regards,


    • pmccray profile image

      pmccray 5 years ago from Utah

      I have to agree I too am a survivor of incest and rape, and find most of what's out there disgusting. I did enjoy one porno film a long time ago called Vixen, why because it had a plot.

      Just watch people bumping, grinding and groaning just for the sake of it is boring and stupid. It is demeaning and kills a women's self esteem. My husband has a stash and I know where it is, I just can't watch it with him because it's laughable and repetitive, you'd be a moron not to know what's coming next (pardon the pun)

      Excellent hub, interesting subject matter. Thank you for sharing, voted up, marked interesting

    • Alma Cabase profile image

      Alma Cabase 5 years ago from Philippines

      I definitely agree with you on this matter. Men are just so insensitive. They don't bother hurting their partner as long as they're having a great time. Although there are real gentlemen out there, but the chance of finding one is like 1 to a million.

      Sad but true.

      A very good hub especially for the ladies.