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Men and Pornography
Unlike my partner, I do not feel the need to check his phone, monitor his mail or any of those stupid things that we sometimes do when we have that womans intutuion that somethings amiss.
However, I recently purchased a membership to an online movie provider and noticed all the sudden he has a problem sleeping. he's up at 3- 4 am. Says he just can't sleep even though he has medication to help. At first i didn't think much of it. It was aggravating but not of much significance. i tis only since this morning that i found out the reason for his insomnia.
I always check the quque to see what has been watched on my account. A few times I have found questionable viewings but he always dismissed them as " oh I turned it on but I feel asleep or I didn't know it had that kind of material in it". It worked for awhile until I saw the list this morning. Thats when the real reason for the sudden for his sleeping problems came to light.
I am far from a prude and at 51 still consider myself beautiful and desirable. When I refer to offensive material I don't meant the ocassional boob shot that is common in almost all movies now days...but what should instead of being listed as "NR Not Rated" should be listed as "Adults Only" or more appropiatelt "Trash". From the moment this movie came on ...its starring character was engaging in sex with 5 men at once, then her lesiban roomate, then another man and another and so on. It had no story line at all and still amazes me that a person could watch 181 minutes of this..."of course he fell asleep and didn't watch it".
While I do realize that there are persons that enjoy these types of movies I am shocked that it would be someone who has a partner sleeping next to them. I have discussed this with many of my friends and accquaintances and have gotten the responses from "I would be pissed to Oh well what does it hurt"?
Maybe for many it doesn't hurt a thing ...maybe they enjoy this type of thing together..all is good and well. But for certain ones of us, it is offensive, it is degrading, it is humiliating and sadly it can be the end of the relationship. In my circumstances it is!!
As a victim of child sexual abuse and rape I always thought that sex would be different when it involved two consenting partners in an exclusive relationship. I was wrong!!
If you have been through what I have been through and managed to make a semblance of a life for yourself..this is enough to destroy you. You spend your day watching this "trash" to see what it is in you that is missing, why aren't you good enough, why does he need this? You compare yourself to the airbrushed images on the screen knowing you will never compare or measure up.
It does hurt... it kills the self-esteem you have worked so hard to build, it eats away at your dignity and self respect. It makes you feel less than a woman...less than a person. It is a type of intimate betrayal that even though the woman says nothing...wounds and damages the most inner parts of her soul, of what she is...of what she assumed she was and worst of all the trust that she had placed in someone who obviously didn't deserve it.