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- Relationship Problems & Advice
Men Being Man of House
Men Make It Work
Everyone will tell you communication is key in a relationship. I believe the same. However this is more to the men than the women. Women usually do not have problems expressing emotions. Unfortunately we as men do. Whatever the reason, we do not show it as we should.
We get so wrapped up in making money and providing we start pulling away. I suppose the best way of saying that is we pull inward. We block others out so no one can put a foothold into our castle. The worst thing in this matter is that means NO ONE in our castle, not even our wives are permitted to enter.
Our mindset gets to where we only think of how we can make it through the next day. And that is financially, physically and spiritually. We look at it as we are the man of this house and it is up to us men to make the whole family successful regardless the cost. This cost is way too often the end of a marriage. We work so hard to succeed and please that we push away those we love the most. We push, push, and push until the next thing we know is an empty house and child support.
Time to step back and reflect is rarely before we totally blow it and toss away the ones we love the most. Reflection is better while we have the time to make an effort to relax and truly love our spouse. She is under the stress too, only hoping for a change. They do not want what seems the inevitable change but, rather the ultimate change. The ultimate change of her husband opening up to her. Her husband not trying to go at it all alone but side by side. Side by side is how the relationship started keep it that way. The growing pressures building in you can only explode in a fight we later regret. Men take a breath let her know you have something to say.
Let her know that you may not say it correctly, you may offend her but let her know you have to speak. Tell her to step back and listen to what you have to say. Tell her it may hurt, maybe not, but, you have to make a release. Wife you also take a breath let him know whatever he has to say is ok, and to let go. It may hurt, it may go right through your core. But let him release. Husband and wife, do not be confrontational regardless of how emotional it may become. Ok third time I'll say it, you both may need to say time out and step back and take a long deep breath. Do not let the release of your pressures start an argument. Do not go there! Men this is your chance, you already told your wife you need to release, release don't fight. Wives let him express, hold you tongue. Let him get it all out. Even if he hesitates don't be quick to start talking. Let him make sure he gets it all out, make sure he is finished speaking.
We as men will let circumstances dictate us sometimes, instead of correcting the problem. Oh, we think we are in control but really we are struggling to not show are weaknesses. After all we are men, right? We don't show weakness, we weren't raised to do so.
Ok, I am no Dr. Phil, never claimed to be, nor even would I want to be. I can only speak from my past and knowing how I almost lost the greatest person ever to come into my life. Did you see my hub to my wife? My Tam, I love her so much she is my reason for being here today. She is why we are in church today and serving our God with our lives. She almost pulled away and left though.
No, it was not her fault and had I kept going I would not be able to blame her if she did. I was pushing her so hard and fast she had no choice. BUT SHE LOVES ME!! She was ready but not willing to go. I love her so much and am so grateful strong willed enough to battle it out.
So here is a bit of what happened. She lost her job just before Christmas. Her sister's husband, who had become my best friend over the years was diagnosed with cancer. We had refinanced into one of those mortgage scams, and were close to losing our house.
Then comes he-man, I can make everything ok. I am the man, I am supposed to do that. Six months later my best friend passes away from the cancer was too much. Another step back but I am the man, I make it all good. That is what I was born to do. In doing so I started to withdraw and hold it in. I started to recluse myself and build walls around my castle. Oh, Tam knew something was wrong, seriously wrong but I would not talk. See she picked up on all the signs that I was pulling away. I had quit opening car doors for her, I stopped holding her hand, I no longer talked and laughed with her. Hey she is blond AND Polish we would laugh at nothing. (she is very intelligent though, don't let heritage and blondness fool you). I was working as many hours as possible on a debilitating job, coming home extremely worn out. Then upon my brother in-laws passing I was suspended from my job for a stupid mistake. Yes, it was my fault, I should not have been working, but I was too afraid to lose the income. I needed to provide instead of taking the time to mourn. I could mourn later after all, once again, I am the man. I have to provide, I have to be strong to let others mourn. Man, did I have some learning to do.
A few months passed and matters escalated getting worse everyday. It came to the point she was walking out in very short time. I found it so hard to be truthful open and honest with her about my feelings. Wait a minute this is the lady that said she was going to make me fall in love with her. She said she was going to make sure I didn't have a chance to change my mind. But she didn't have to, I fell immediately. I had found a lady that was open, honest and real. I had experienced superficial people all too much and when I met Tam, I had met the one who I knew loved me for me.
Yet pushing as I did I was leaving her no choice but to pack up and go her way. I did not want that, but that was what I was doing. Finally, I said I would get some counseling and see if it would help. I was sure going in that I would find out she had some issues and it was not all me.
Wrong again! Scheduled for an hour it took five minutes for me to see who was innocent. It sure was not me. I kept on going to see the counselor and eventually he wanted both of us there. He was the pastor of a church and after a few weeks of seeing him we joined his church.
We were able to start working on our problems, oops mostly my problems, and try to trust each other with our feelings. It did take me a while but I got to a place I could open up to her. However, listen here to this men, it was not overnight. It took a long time to put that past year away. There are still reminders now and then but we cope. We talk it out. It takes prodding sometimes from her to get me to speak but then the training kicks in. Notice I said training, that is what we men do. What does not come natural to us is we need to train.
We left the church we were in for one that was stronger in the Word. She never had been to the church of my choice. ( those details are ours only) She trusted if I felt it was right then we would see just how it works out. We love our church and the college kids that come to it. We work daily for the cause of the Gospel and our Lord Jesus Christ. We were asked by our pastor if we would take over a ministry and now we have our own ministry and a name for it. No, we will never boast on having a ministry but rather rejoice in the Lord for He is good and trusted us enough to give it to us. Yes, I did say the pastor gave it to us, but it was from the hand of God we are in it.
Men, trust her, open up to her, and LOVE her. Men MAKE it work, not as we usually do but by trusting her with your feelings. Give her your full attention. Hold her hand, open doors, show her she is special. Take time to listen to her, tell her how much you love her every day. And by the way, telling her you appreciate her. That goes as far if not further than the I love you. Take time if you have children to love on them, the job is secondary to your wife and children. Make the little ones feel special, let them know daddy loves them with all his heart.
And when she is tired and she has had a day to forget, and your day wasn't any better, stop, let her have time. Let her spill out everything on her mind. That is natural for her, give it to her. Most of the time that is all she needs. Men love your wives even as Christ loved HIs church.
I love my wife, she is my source. Nothing else needed you fill in the blank. She is my source.
I love you Tam.