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(The Truth Hurts) Modern Women Do Not Understand the Concept of Casual Dating

Updated on November 20, 2009

Can Women Casually Date?

Casual Dating for Women
Casual Dating for Women

Modern Women Just Don’t Understand the Concept of Casual Dating!

Modern Women Just Don’t Understand the Concept of Casual Dating!

As a Relationship Coach, I work with many women who, knowingly or not, are very intelligent, attractive and successful, except in the area of relationships.

It seems that women today just do not understand what the concept of casual dating is. They are so anxious to be in “a relationship” that they continually undermine themselves by making some common mistakes. The primary one being the inability to understand the concept of casual dating.

Casual dating is just that, casual, it is not done with any intent or purpose other than to be social and get to know someone a bit better. There are no clauses for being exclusive, no projections of commitments or emotions when one is casually dating. It is a social exercise that one partakes in to broaden one’s perspectives. Casual dating is key to finding the right long-term partner, as through this process we learn what we like and dislike and what we truly want in a long-term partner.

With internet dating sites galore, you would think that women would have mastered the art of casual dating, but quite the opposite is true.

The most common mistake made by modern women when dating is that as soon as they meet one gentlemen of interest they freeze there. They literally stop dead in their tracks and stay focused on this one particular man.

They begin obsessing over when his next contact will be, when he will ask them out again, how he feels about them, when in truth, they should be considering how they, in fact, feel about the man and comparison shopping at the same time.

Modern women concern themselves more with whether a male has the potential to fall in love with them, rather than whether they can fall in love with the man. Odd, but a situation I observe on a regular basis. Rather than considering how they feel about the male, they are concerned with whether they have successfully captured the male’s attention, this appears a bit backwards to me. If they would, instead consider how they feel toward the male, they would more efficiently find suitable partners.

Casual dating infers that you have no commitments and that you are dating numerous men concurrently, not sitting home by the phone waiting for that one particular man to call. Unfortunately, this is how the majority of single women spend their leisure time when they are attempting to date. The problem is, these women are not comprehending “casual dating” and are actually “relationship hunting”.

A casual date does not indicate that you are interested in any type of long-term relationship, it’s just that, casual. You are being social, enjoying perhaps an event or activity that you would not normally partake in, getting out, and meeting people. Modern women tend to choose to date based on whether or not they can project themselves into a relationship with a man, and not to just be social and expand their network. This is the biggest mistake they can make.

Although at times we doubt the level of perception that men have, they do very easily feel the energy of the “relationship hunter”. These women are characterized by ready availability to the male and a lack of other social interactions. They are in limbo, waiting for the man they are interested in to take them down off the shelf and put them into play. Frequently, these women find that they spend months, sometimes even years, in this relationship limbo only to have to reenter the dating cycle again when the relationship fails to truly develop.

By accepting a date with a gentleman that you feel you may have no initial interest in, you are providing yourself with the opportunity to fine-tune your social skills and taking yourself “off the shelf”. When you do have a date with someone you think you’d like to be involved with, you are able to handle it gracefully and in an emotionally intelligent manner. Every date is not a potential husband ladies!

Many clients say to me “I can’t see myself being interested in him, I don’t want to waste my time or his”. This is the exact attitude that keeps them single longer.

By getting out and dating a variety of men, those you could see yourself with and those that you innately know hold no future interest for you, you are expanding your social network and creating more opportunities to meet eligible prospects. If you only date the man once, that’s fine, but do it just that once to get out there and learn to be socially available. At the very worst, you’ll never hear from him again, even better, you may become friends, or you may actually change your mind by getting to know him and decide that you would like to date him again.

Focusing on one particular man and waiting to see where “things go” is time consuming and ineffectual. Dating sites are just that, social networking sites where you can meet many people in a short period of time and investigate other lifestyles and opportunities by casually dating a variety of men. With literally thousands of options, why would you choose to limit yourself to just one?

When should you stop and focus on just one man? When you find a man that you feel you could be affectionate with, whose company you enjoy and he asks you to be exclusive. That’s when. Not at any time prior to that. Until a man you are interested in asks you to be exclusive, you need to keep actively dating multiple men.

This does not mean that I am encouraging you to be sexually active with these men, but socially active. Accept the movie date, the dinner date, the club date, and the hiking date. Accept them all at least once. You may well find that you are no longer lonely and that you are enjoying life a bit more.

Who knows? Maybe the geeky guy that asks you to go see a science fiction movie actually has a heart of gold, or a friend that he introduces you to that you hit it off with. Maybe he would be perfect for a friend of yours.

Maybe the outdoorsy guy that you don’t find all that aesthetic will take you hiking with a group of friends and you actually find that you like hiking and pick up a new hobby.

Maybe while you are out at dinner, or out on a hike, the guy that you are really interested in is calling. Let him get your voice mail and begin realizing that if he really wants to spend time with you he needs to respect your time and make plans in advance to see you. Maybe he starts hoping that you will be available to go out with him, because he sees how busy you are socially and knows that if he doesn’t catch you and make plans with you, you’ll be out doing something else!

The biggest misperception modern women have is that they need to be available to the men they are attracted to at the casual dating stage. The absolute opposite is true.

Casually dating men that you may feel have no relationship potential with is the best social practice for learning to say no and learning to control your own social calendar. Being unavailable at times to the men you are truly interested in teaches them to respect and value your time and you as an individual.

Learning to successfully “Casual Date” is a social skill that leads modern women into healthy and productive relationships. With just a little practice, a modern woman can very quickly turn a stagnant social life into a fun and productive lifestyle. Try it!

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.


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      17 months ago

      I agree with this article however we do live in modern times and there re ALOT of women out there who doesn't want to be bothered.

      Having said that most do. There are two ladies that made comments and got upset with you but I do see it as well. I see women who tell themselves that theybare casually dating and ALWAYS end up fallibg for the guy they are with. I see women who say they love being by themselves but by Christmas are all over social media putting wedding dresses up there and engagement rings dreaming of getting married. So there are women who dont want to get married but a lot of women who still do. It's soceity and the concept of feminism that has gotten women so screwed up.

      Women try to date casually and some ctually succeed. Ive seen it! But for the most part women usually get there feelings involved because its inate for a woman to want to procreate with the man she is mating with.

    • profile image


      4 years ago

      So how about what women want and that being important, instead of adjusting to the apparent inability of many men to actually take a woman who wishes to commit seriously? I find it appalling how focussed these kind of posts are on following the wishes of men and superficial social activity. I don't feel the need to meet a lot of people, I feel the need to find someone who takes these kind of things as seriously as I do and doesn't run away for a mature, equal relationship. I am interesting for who I am, no matter how full my agenda (really) is. The problem is that we women facilitate this kind of easy come and go encounters, which men seem to prefer according to your story. There's nothing wrong with committing to something and for sure I don't wish to date a guy who is dating multiple women at the same time, because I'm not his cure for his lonely hours either or a number in a pick up line.

    • profile image


      4 years ago

      What is the point of dating though if you don't want to eventually be in a relationship. Dating is getting to know the person but the goal after knowing them (if you both like each other) should be to be together. Which this article says no to. According to this article date a ton of people at the same about no.

    • profile image


      5 years ago

      You clearly only know stupid "girls"...

      Not all women feel desperate for a relationship. What on earth qualifies you to say that? Plenty of women feel confident and comfortable enough to be single and have casual fun on the side. Some women are not so stupid to be hypnotized by the types of notions and social roles you described above! Not all women are looking for a diamond ring. It's sad that you must only know those types of women to confidently determine that all women are unable to casually date.

      The truth definitely hurts: You have no idea what you are talking about. I am a single, attractive woman, I do not want a relationship because I am more than happy being independent and single, however casually dating is always wonderful! You can meet someone knew, flirt, and perhaps have some casual fun... Most of my close girlfriends feel the same and have been in the same position... Jeez man, who are these women that you know? This article is simply inaccurate and stupid!

    • Yaduvanshi profile image


      6 years ago from Bharat Vrse

      Very good work use to dating females

    • profile image


      8 years ago

      so why cant i find a girl who wants to commit then? you lie


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