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Moving On, Getting Closure, Letting Go - Relationship Advice

Updated on March 5, 2012

Dear Veronica,

I received this comment on my Hub Can You Be Friends With Your Ex. It's a unique situation so I thought I'd answer it here in it's own space. 

Hello Veronica and everyone, great hub. I just signed up to reply. In my case no. I am having a terrible time. The girl in question I have known for nearly 9 years. And although I have strong feelings for her, she only wanted to be friends with benefits. But its been very confusing for me because she got jealous if I got another girl, said she loved me at times. Now she has someone else and when I found out they were serious a year ago I did not want to talk to her anymore, it hurt too much - it hurts even now. So I just moved on and tried to forget her. But she kept on calling/texting me saying she wants to be friends, after ignoring her for about 6 months I finally spoke to her. She said how much she wants me to be friends and misses me etc. I sat and thought about it for a few weeks. Those weeks turned into months. In the past when anything like this happened we would speak, argue, thrash it out, even have make up sex whatever, but this time I have just left her to contact me... she spent so long trying to get me to talk to her - but she hasn't called in months. I think it was all about the control. So npw I am in a horrible position not knowing what to do.

I want to contact her to tell her goodbye and put an end to it once and for all so i can have closure, but I can't bring myself to say goodbye to her for good plus I have been advised against this. I have been told just to go no contact and ignore any calls.

We were such close friends and I helped her get over her ex before me, I could never have imagined that ending it with her would be so hard. I would like to be friends with her but I can't see at the moment how I would do it, if ever, it saddens me so much. Every day I wake up and think of her and she is the last thing I think of at night and she has no idea I am am going through this, she probably thinks everything is ok. sorry for the long post.

-spoony

Dear spoony,

You may be surprised at how many emails and comments I've gotten from people in very similar situations to yours. That girl is a game player. You were right when you figured out a good deal of this is about control.

This girl is not your friend. She doesn't give a shit about you, or what you need, or how you feel. All she cares about is how your devotion to her makes HER feel. It makes her feel safe, wanted, ego-stroked and desirable. She is empowered because she can come and go in and out of your life at will. And you allow it. Even if it takes her a little time, she probably likes that challenge. 

She hasn't called because she hasn't needed to use you for an ego boost or a support system. And besides that, she just won the last challenge in getting you to "forgive" her, so she emerges victorious and goes along her merry way.

You said you helped her to get over an ex. See a pattern here? She uses you when she needs to feel strong and sexy and wanted. She used you like a pillow to fall on when she was feeling a little shaken. It had nothing to do with you. You were the willing warm body that makes her feel omnipotent. 

When she's needy, or bored, or even just challenged, she will take up that cause to get to you, and she succeeds every single time. I've known so many girls like that. The real problem here is that you are referring to her as such a close friend. She isn't your friend. She uses you. You might enjoy it from time to time, but don't confuse it for friendship. It is what it is.

As far as moving on from her, I'm curious who "advised" you not to initiate contact to say goodbye and sever things. I have the feeling it was someone who cares about you. It is valid advice. She doesn't care that you're hurt and need closure. She isn't going to listen to your words and learn something about herself or finally understand the pain she's caused you. All she will  draw from your efforts to let her know you're letting go, is another challenge. And she will dig in yet again and make it as hard as possible for you to make the break.

If you break away, she feels she lost that safety net, that steadfast ego stroker. She's not going to just let go. And she certainly does not give a shit that you need to let go. She's going to weasel and connive and try to convince you to stay in her life. And basically, she will win. 

That need for closure is a big one. You could try writing her a letter and then dropping it in the ocean or even the mailbox, but not addressed. Send it to Santa. But whatever you do, let it go. Send it out there into the world. It's a tangible exercise in letting go. Sounds silly? Well, maybe it does sound silly. But it works.

However, if you mailed or emailed or called her you will not get the result you need. You will only re-challenge her. Or worse - if she is in a stable place with her boyfriend, she could decide to rip you apart in order to feel rid of you. You don't deserve that, or need that. It's important for you to truly understand that this girl is wrong. You shouldn't feel obligated to say good bye to her, or to hear her out. All you should be seeking to do is to get the closure you need to let go and move on. Nothing that can come from her will honor that goal for you. 

You've been used by this girl. And that sucks. And it leaves you feeling shitty. But don't confuse the events here. She's not into you, and doesn't respect you, and doesn't value your feelings. Anger is one of the natural stages of mourning. Allow yourself to mourn, because that will mean you actually understand that her using you is over. For your sake. Go ahead and be mad. If she winds up contacting you, be firm and strong. Tell her to leave you alone. 

After you allow yourself to be angry you will find it is easier to not feel anything for her. It's a way of cycling, a way to move through the extreme emotions so you can get someplace neutral and healthy. 

New doors can not open for you until old doors close. You will not find yourself a girl that appreciates and loves you, until you get this one out of your psyche. Make a focused effort to see clearly through the fog and move along. Let go. Good luck to you.

Thanks for reading this Hub. If you've got a specific relationship question email me through the link in my profile. Thanks!

Comments

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  • profile image

    Stephen4overher 

    6 years ago

    I have rally been used , my heart laid out shattered . In a 4.5 year relationship living as man and wife. She left to work on her son . Which is an addict . Said we would be fine. I trusted her. Two months later lost 35lbs and seeing someonelse. I trusted again and gave money to get apartment and bury grandfather. Spent weekend with her . Haven't heard from her since . Talked to her on her boyfriends

    Phone She said it over. Besides all the perverted things her boyfriend said. Can't understand a person like that. From man to man not committed to anyone. Her # 5 divorce . Seeking closure with kid and her. Communications are none. Self

    Esteem went to bottom

  • Veronica profile imageAUTHOR

    Veronica 

    8 years ago from NY

    Thank you for your comment, mr kumbah. I think you're right, users are usually miserable, and they will only make you miserable too.

    BTW I got your email. Thanks for sending it, I will be answering you in your own hub, I will email you the link!

  • mr kumbah profile image

    mr kumbah 

    8 years ago

    Great advice...I have been at that place, closure comes from within, I think people that use other people are generally miserable , they say " misery makes company "...only if you let it, get the closure you deserve and move on .

  • Veronica profile imageAUTHOR

    Veronica 

    8 years ago from NY

    Thanks Jennifer Lunch!

  • Jennifer Lynch profile image

    Jennifer Lynch 

    8 years ago from Stowmarket, Suffolk.

    Fantastic, this is such good advice. You are absolutely right.

  • Veronica profile imageAUTHOR

    Veronica 

    8 years ago from NY

    Thanks so much dallas93444!

  • dallas93444 profile image

    Dallas W Thompson 

    8 years ago from Bakersfield, CA

    I agree, been there, done that! great advice and comments!

  • Veronica profile imageAUTHOR

    Veronica 

    8 years ago from NY

    Excellent point. I'm glad you're with someone that appreciates you for you!

  • MrKnowledge profile image

    MrKnowledge 

    8 years ago from Tacoma!

    That's the difference between a girl and a woman. She looks back and regrets what she lost. I know she does. I can say that I'm happy with the person I'm with now because she appreciates me for me, not just for what I do!

  • Veronica profile imageAUTHOR

    Veronica 

    8 years ago from NY

    Thanks MrKnowledge!

    I'm sorry to hear what you went through. Sadly it isn't uncommon. You sound strong and focused though. You're right - her loss. Good for you ;)

  • MrKnowledge profile image

    MrKnowledge 

    8 years ago from Tacoma!

    Great Hub, and I can relate to the comment you got. It's a shame. I was used for benefits with a girl i was with for 2 and a half years, while she lied about the guys she was dating. Always cheating and lying behind my back. it still hurts to think about, but i'm much better without her. it's her loss. she was using me to fix her life and solve her problems. when the problems were gone, so was i.

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