- Gender and Relationships
Moving in with Your Boyfriend before Marriage Shouldn't Scare You
Before Marriage Move-In: You'll be Fine
I’ve been seeing a lot of articles lately explaining why you should NEVER move in with your boyfriend prior to marriage. These articles have been popping up so much lately that I felt like I needed to get my voice out there on this subject. So I’ll start off by stating my opinion. To me, there is nothing wrong with living with your boyfriend prior to marriage. Now, I understand that a number of people choose to avoid this course for personal reasons (e.g religious, traditional) and there is nothing wrong with that. If you do not wish to move in together before marriage for any reason, you have that right. I’m not saying that you are wrong in your desires for wanting to wait. You have a right to decide what you want for yourself and I’m being 100% sincere when I tell you how awesome it is that you know what you want! But for those of us who are teetering on the line of trying to figure out what they should do, take a deep breath and relax. I don’t think it will ruin your life if you decide to live with your boyfriend before he “puts a ring on your finger.” And if you tell your significant other that you don’t wish to move in together before marriage and they have a problem with that, then they must not be a very supportive S.O if they don’t respect your values and wishes. And why would you want to be with someone who doesn’t support you or listen seriously to your opinion?
All of these articles I see keep claiming that when you live with your boyfriend, you start to act like “a wife” and every article uses that classic saying that your boyfriend is now “getting the milk for free.” Quite frankly, if you two already had an active sex life prior to moving in, you were already giving him the milk. So I think this saying is irrelevant unless your values suddenly changed upon moving in with your boyfriend and sex became active in your relationship post-moving-in. And if you’re a cow who’s in charge of her own udders (please excuse the awful metaphor), you can “give your milk” to whoever you damn well please if that’s your decision. It is your body and your emotions. Just please be responsible and safe about who gets that milk.
One of these articles discussed a “friend” of the article writer whose boyfriend wasn’t proposing after they moved in, so she began acting like a “roommate” instead and would “cook herself dinner but hand him a take out menu and only pretend to listen to him while talking about his rough day at work” until finally, he realized he needed to propose to get his “wifey-girlfriend back.” Excuse me, but what the actual F*CK is that?! So because her boyfriend didn’t propose to her, she just acted like a child instead and also a sh*tty girlfriend in the process? Why would anyone promote this passive aggressive bullsh*t as opposed to communication? Would it have been that hard for her to discuss her concerns with her boyfriend? And if it was too hard for her to discuss a proposal openly, then her relationship with her boyfriend must not have been very great. If I’m offending anyone, I’m not sorry. I am being honest and sometimes, people need to hear a little honestly before they realize what’s in front of them. What is wrong with discussing marriage with your boyfriend? If that idea makes you uncomfortable, then you are probably not ready for marriage anyway. And if you’re afraid that discussion will scare your boyfriend off, then why are you with someone who doesn’t desire the same future as you do?
I am just so sick of these stories of women who have to trick men into settling down to finally be happy and have a family. It’s offensive and demeaning and it pisses me off. Why do women always have to be depicted as these marriage-hungry people who won’t be happy unless they have a state document saying that their S.O isn’t going to leave them? I cannot stand always being put into this corner of “the poor girl whose boyfriend hasn’t proposed yet.” Do those people think about what the woman wants? Or does it always just have to be the woman pining after the man who is afraid of commitment?
I currently live with my boyfriend and have for over a year. We have discussed a proposal and marriage and guess what? We decided on a timeline that works for us. A good relationship with open communication allows for discussions like this. Actually, it requires discussions like this. If you can’t have this kind of conversation with the person you are trying so hard to get to propose to you, why are you with them? It doesn’t matter what anyone else says or wants. What matters is what you want. Are you ready to get married? If you are, then have a discussion (not an argument) about it with your S.O. Because a year ago (when everyone kept asking us when we would get married), I was not ready for a proposal. My boyfriend was not ready to propose. Our lives were crazy enough back then and we didn’t want to add anything else to it at the time.
So I will go back to my initial opinion. I think moving in with your boyfriend is a good idea. BUT IT IS NOT FOR EVERYONE. Not everyone is ready for a move-in commitment and not everyone desires it, and that’s perfectly okay. But if you think you are, discuss it and go ahead and try it out. If it doesn’t work out and you find out that living with that person was completely different than dating them and holy crap you can’t believe how much of a slob they are and totally had no idea that they liked to clip their toenails in the bed and the move-in has reeked havoc on your relationship, then I guess the two of you weren’t meant to be. And hey, wasn’t it nice to find that out before you had a legal document binding the two of you together?