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Soul-mate to Psychopath: The Most Dangerous Perpetrators of Family Violence

Updated on March 11, 2011

Successful psychopaths are not easy to recognize, although most people think they would be easy to spot... (Hmmm, I think I need a psychopath detector. Anyone know where I can get one of them on a budget? Pocket size would be best...)

Would You Spot a Psycho?

(Please note - model shown for illustration only. Image courtesy of: djcodrin /
(Please note - model shown for illustration only. Image courtesy of: djcodrin /

Profile of a Successful Psychopath:

Successful psychopaths and sociopaths are very hard to spot, and there are no foolproof guidelines that will help us to recognize them. Most people think of psychopaths as sleazy characters and/or repeat criminals. They may imagine somebody with a dark personality or a man with an insane look in his eye. Most think of a person like Hannibal Lecter in the movie Silence of the Lambs, or real life people like Charles Manson or Jack the Ripper. While this description might be true for unsuccessful psycho's, it is not always true for successful psychopaths.

No, he couldn't be.....surely?

(Please note - model shown for illustration only. Image courtesy of: djcodrin /
(Please note - model shown for illustration only. Image courtesy of: djcodrin /

Do you know a Successful Psychopath?

One could be closer than you think....

Unfortunately, a successful psychopath is usually a person who most people would consider to be "a really nice guy/gal".  The reality is that they are quite difficult to profile, and in fact,  there are more psychopaths living among us than we realize.

They may live next door, down the street, or perhaps even in the same house. This doesn't mean we all need to be paranoid, but it can pay to be cautious of people who display clusters of the personality and behavior traits mentioned below:

Those who have known them for longer will notice they can sometimes be:

  • Superficially Charming
  • Arrogant
  • Ignorant
  • Self-Important
  • Non-genuine
  • Unrealistic
  • Irresponsible
  • Inconsistent
  • Dishonest
  • Greedy
  • Unreliable
  • Insincere
  • Grandiose
  • Shallow
  • Irrational
  • Paranoid
  • Promiscuous
  • Domineering
  • Judgmental
  • Selfish

Most acquaintances, friends and extended family members will usually consider them to be:

  • Charming
  • Intelligent
  • Polite
  • Gallant
  • Misunderstood
  • Considerate
  • Helpful
  • Genuine
  • Generous
  • Caring
  • Knowledgeable
  • Capable
  • Compassionate
  • Impulsive
  • Likable
  • Sincere
  • Romantic
  • Emotional
  • A victim of circumstance
  • Selfless

Their Victims and/or partners will find out that they can be:

  • Unfaithful
  • Callous
  • Violent
  • Vicious
  • Cruel
  • Sadistic
  • Parasitic
  • Malicious
  • Misogynistic
  • Contemptuous
  • Narcissistic

  • Manipulative
  • Unpredictable
  • Secretive
  • Pretentious
  • Conning
  • Shameless
  • Obsessive
  • Authoritative
  • Insensitive
  • Egotistic
  • Heartless
  • Vengeful

So how do they fool others so effectively?

  • They are unable to feel Remorse, Shame or Guilt.
  • They are able to act as though they have normal emotions, very convincingly.
  • They appear so likable because they mirror their victims' values, beliefs and interests.
  • They are incapable of Unconditional Love.
  • They are incapable of real human attachment to another.
  • They have an unrealistic perception of themselves (narcissism, grandiosity, self-importance not based on achievements).
  • They are Pathological Liars.
  • They lack a realistic Life Plan.
  • They often have a Parasitic Lifestyle.
  • They are capable of Criminal Versatility and Entrepreneurial Versatility.
  • They do not perceive that anything is wrong with them.
  • They appear to be what ever they want you to think they are (Glibness/Superficial Charm).
  • They are selective of which actions they will take responsibility for.
  • They have an excessive need for Stimulation.
  • They are very capable and skilled at subtle cruelty.
  • They have a complete lack of Empathy.
  • They have poor Behavioral Controls.
  • They exhibit promiscuous Sexual Behavior.
  • They are often guilty of Infidelity.
  • They show contempt of those who seek to understand them.
  • Their ultimate goals are the creation of willing victims and then enslavement of their victim(s).
  • They exercise despotic control over every aspect of the victim's life.
  • They have a need to justify their crimes and therefore need their victim's affirmation (respect, gratitude and love).

Psychopathic Dads - Mum, There's a Monster in Your Bedroom!

If you can relate to any of the following, I suggest you run:

  • Your partner claims to love and respect you, but you keep getting contradictory reports about what he says to your family and friends.
  • A person you know insists that they are not violent yet regularly watches real life snuff videos, and other violent videos, and finds them amusing.
  • You find the "computer illiterate" person in your life researching "how to thwart time date stamping" on a computer hackers web site.
  • Your self-confessed homophobic partner gets emails from gay dating sites.
  • After 2 months without being touched by your partner, you ask why and they say they are just not that interested in sex anymore, but then you find numerous stashes of hand cream, tissues and dirty jocks in various strange places around the house.
  • You tell your "soul-mate" that their friend once raped you and they respond with "well that's ok, I raped him".
  • You find a balaclava, shovel and rope in your partner's car and find yourself wondering if you are living with a serial killer
  • A person who claims to love you more than anything puts a loaded weapon on the table, says that he knows of one way you can make life better for everyone around you and then goes out for two hours.
  • Your kids tell you that there is a monster sleeping in your bedroom...

Sometimes your knight In shining armour is just a retard in tin foil

Please join me on FaceBook

  • STOP the Violence Against Women & Children
    Organize to Resist! Together we can take on the Predators! Let's Break the Silence to End the Violence by working together to make our voices a Resounding SHOUT!!! Perpetrators BEWARE - you don't stand a chance!

Please Note:

All names in this article have been changed for legal purposes and to protect the privacy of the Author. Except where otherwise credited, or where text forms part of an external link, this article is under the following copyright:

Copyright © 2010 Mel Stewart, "safe-at-last", of Perth, Western Australia. All rights reserved.

All persons, places and objects shown in the images in this hub are are shown for illustrative purposes only. They bear no relation to any real person or event. All persons shown are paid models. Unless otherwise credited, all images are under the following copyright:

Copyright © 2010 Mel Stewart, "safe-at-last" and Licensors Nodtronics Pty Ltd. All rights reserved.


Submit a Comment
  • profile image

    bang bang!! 

    9 years ago

    •A person who claims to love you more than anything puts a loaded weapon on the table, says that he knows of one way you can make life better for everyone around you and then goes out for two hours. Time to point the gun at him when he comes back and say GEE DARLING YOU WERE RIGHT ---I CAN MAKE LIFE BETTER FOR EVERYONE AROUND ME!!!! BANG BANG!!!! LOL

  • profile image


    9 years ago

    Sounds like my beloved son in law's suicide note.

  • profile image

    Alley Cat 

    9 years ago

    Also, they ALWAYS blame the victim and not the perpetrator. It is so weird! Once, the psycho I dated and I were watching TV. On the news, a teen committed suicide from being bullied at school. He said it was his fault. He said the kid was weak to let bullying make him kill himself. Then blamed the parents, too, for not raising him to be tough. He NEVER once blamed the students who drove him to commit suicide. Also, when they say the hate something (obsessively), they really like and want it, or ARE it. They say they hate homosexuals (they secretly want that lifestyle). They say they hate certain types of women (they secretly want to be with them). I figured that one out. The words are inconsistent with the actions. They are truly crazy. They are liars and lie for no good reason....just make up stories out of the blue...for what???? Just because they can! It is really dangerous to be with them. You truly don't know what you are really getting. They have the ability to keep sucking you back in, also, once you've started dating them. So, don't ever get started with them. I have to be really strong to get out. Look for the signs and stay safe!

  • profile image


    9 years ago

    thank you for your article/info. I left an abusive, live-in relationship over 30 years ago and STILL dream about this man. In the past few years, looking back, I thought he might have been Bipolar. Now, I think he was a Psychopath !! And his "sins" he always put back on me !! I NEVER cheated on him or ANY man I ever dated. And yet, he didn't even trust me alone with his own father ! Then, after we broke up (I left, running w/the clothes on my back, hiding behind garbage cans in an alley w/him in hot pursuit), I found out he was bringing girls up to our apartment when I wasn't there ! I am so glad I didn't marry him even though he was my "soulmate". :-(

  • profile image

    Ryan S 

    9 years ago

    What about completely fabricating an entire history to try to impress people, then faking a pregnancy to get with someone, and even after finally coming clean because the pregnancy was 12 months long (!!) Not taking any responsibility or feeling sorry for it at all. Then popping every pill in sight and stealing my gun (!!) Then telling the police the only reason she took it was because I was suicidal (!!) Yes people I bought another gun!

  • profile image

    Gina Webster 

    9 years ago

    Women - don't wait to find this out AFTER you've had children with the guy! There are always signs up front whether it's this condition, abuse, etc. - children never make the situation better!

    You can talk about loser men all day (there are plenty of them) but the real question is, "why are you with them/staying with them in the first place?" You are allowed to live your life however you want, but please don't bring innocent children into your messed up lives. Women always want to talk about the "bad guy" so they can stay in victim mode and it is just as sick and unhealthy!!

  • safe-at-last profile imageAUTHOR

    Mel Stewart 

    10 years ago from Western Australia

    Janis, point humbly taken and profound apology extended. I unfortunately seem to offend people unintentionally quite often, whether from opening my mouth or typing on my keyboard. For what it's worth, having worked at a school for disabled children for a year and a half in my youth, during which time I formed particularly special bonds with 2 young down syndrome children and a teenage boy with autism, I do not even associate the word "retard" with either intellectually or physically disabled children or adults. I would never refer to a disabled person as a retard, or any other derogatory term that other ignorant or cruel people may use. I have a (rather annoying) tendency to put my "foot in it" fairly regularly, as when I have a "Mel-moment", I laugh and call myself a twit, or a retard, or say "now THAT was a blond-moment". I have a similar problem when I talk about my friends who are attracted to the same sex: I say "my gay mate", because that is how they refer to themselves. They do not take offense to it, but other people do. My gay mates only take offense to derogatory comments such as "fa%g$%t" or "homo" or "queer", and I guess it has rubbed off on me because I take offense to the same. I refer to anyone who behaves like a complete idiot as a retard, but in my mind, I do not associate the term with disabled people, I associate the term with other people who act in a way that is intentionally stupid, outrageously reckless, blatantly against the law, or intentionally derogatory and/or just plain nasty. Similarly, because all of my blond mates are of above average intelligence, and refer to their own "oops" moments as their "blond moments", just as they refer to their brunette and red-head friends' "oops", "duh" and/or "doh" moments as "blond moments" (including myself - I'm a brunette), I tend to do the same without giving it a second thought - until I've upset some poor blond woman. I think I almost started WWIII once, simply by lodging my foot squarely in my mouth. Please accept my apology and know that no offense was intended.

  • profile image

    Janis Saddoris 

    10 years ago

    I found this article to be very good and accurate what I did not like was the drawing and the word "RETARD" used in any way in this article! It was so demeaning a word to use. I was in a relationship with a married a man that was all of this and more. A daughter was born of this union and she was Downs. So while glad to read and continue to understand this I was at the same time hurt all over again by this and the use of that word to describe the man. THINK BEFORE YOU WRITE!!! After all you are here to help are you not????

  • profile image


    10 years ago

    Excellent article that is spot on.

  • profile image

    michelle ashby 

    10 years ago

    physco would hide under my house and ring me telling me,it wasn't me in my bed breathing,and who was it,then come to my house and tell me it was gonna take 9 minutes to get his guns get back and kill me as he had timed it,he would rape me thaen tell me in the morning it was my fault cause I poured him a glass of wine,wore pink g strings so screamed at for 3 hours as i must be having an affair,raped me held me hostage for 4 hours in my own house,then rang me said i wanted sex,waiting for trial now,rings says im gonna hang himself then doesn't,

  • profile image

    Leah Davis, Founder.Director Domestic Abuse Awareness Network / Child Abuse Awareness Network 

    10 years ago


  • LunarGal profile image


    11 years ago

    and yet another. Accuses you of having an affair with 18 and 20 year olds that he saw you just talking to. And accuses that 2 of your kids together are not his. that they are the result of the 18 year olds but goes on raising them anyway. scary. filing for divorce real soon.

  • profile image

    fighting for my kids rights 

    11 years ago

    OMG!!! Here's another!! they blame you for everything including even things that happened centuries ago,my psycho sent me a text telling me that he was burned at the stake in Salem 500 years ago because of me.WTF??? I still have the text but the court apparently is NOT INTERESTED he said this is the reason for his abuse...

  • safe-at-last profile imageAUTHOR

    Mel Stewart 

    11 years ago from Western Australia

    Thank you for your feed back SL. You can always use the "Contact safe-at-last" button to email me if you would like to... Always happy to share and learn. Knowledge is power!

  • susanlang profile image


    11 years ago

    This is a wonderful hub and you covered the topic in good detail. I would love to share some info with you!

  • safe-at-last profile imageAUTHOR

    Mel Stewart 

    11 years ago from Western Australia

    LOL - oh dear! I had always wondered what all that was about - Good point! Thanks for the feedback.

  • It's just me profile image

    It's just me 

    11 years ago from Alaska

    You catch them looking in the mirror practicing facial expressions, including crying.

  • safe-at-last profile imageAUTHOR

    Mel Stewart 

    11 years ago from Western Australia

    MM thank you for some great comment - I can definitely relate!

    You said "They spend inordinate amounts of time fantasising and daydreaming about their revenge."

    This is SO true, my psycho even had detailed supply lists and budgets - WTF? I must say sometimes I fear if/when he does go to jail, because that would be a lot of spare time with a lot of like minded individuals during which revenge could be planned quite possibly to perfection...

    You said "They talk about movie actors as if they've met them in real life."

    Uh, yeah! LOL Mine also always used to say how he should go to Hollywood because he could do a much better job acting than Mel Gibson or Kevin Costner etc... I would think What makes you so sure you can act? Now I know that he knew EXACTLY just how well he could act!

    Mine even researched abuse and then became quite proficient at setting me up to look like I was the abuser eg Scare me into complete silence and then say "See, she is sulking - now that's abuse" or would not get a job, even though I was showing him ads in the paper etc and was going bankrupt then find out he was ringing my family and saying he was being financially abused because I wouldn't let him get a job!

    All I could ever say was "But...." but of course nobody ever listened, and in the end I thought I was going crazy! To prove to myself that I wasn't, I took some lessons off him and became my own personal PI, did some audio recordings etc... At least now I know I'm not nuts....

    Thanks for sharing your experiences- I think it's important to provide people out there with an insight that will foster empathy!

  • profile image

    Muriel Matters 

    11 years ago

    Here's some more.

    They seem to have a fascination for news stories that depict family annihilation and incest cases. They'll refer to anything that happens close to home regularly and add, "they could never do that", or "fail to understand how someone could do that" and then will align their story with their own feelings, values and beliefs, saying "I'd never do that".

    They regularly describe themselves and say that it's you.

    Any romantic or argumentative lines they throw at you are glib and cliched, like they just heard it in a B grade movie.

    They consistently set themselves up as the victim, although it becomes quite clear that they've caused whatever malady is currently affecting them.

    They never say "I'm really sorry" and mean it.

    They align themselves with big celebrity names. Such as if they are evading the tax system and someone big gets caught, they'll refer to that person over and over.

    They often disobey public signs, such as "Do Not Enter" and when security asks them to leave, they'll act as if they have been slighted.

    They talk about movie actors as if they've met them in real life.

    They do what they want to do, when they want to do it and how and will become angry at a suggestion for a different way.

    If they don't do well at something they will devalue the teacher, school, institution, the law, rather than look at how they simply failed to apply themselves.

    They have a string of short spurts of employment, a trail of broken relationships, brushes with illegal activity that they just manage to evade at the 11th hour, and are often full of empty threats and a long line of business ventures that never get off the ground.

    They spend inordinate amounts of time fantasising and daydreaming about their revenge.


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