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- Non-Monogamous Relationships
Why My Marriage Failed after 1.5 Years
When I found out what he did, I went back and tried to remember every little detail of anything he had ever said and done that should have shown me he was not the guy he was pretending to be. But he didn't only fool me, he fooled my whole family. Every person he ever met would tell me: What a nice guy. You guys look great together. He was always shy around my friends and especially around my parents. His relationship with my parents was never good. He thought my parents hated him. Now, I realize that he had such a bad conscience for what he did to me that he felt uncomfortable around them. He was simply ashamed of himself and his actions.
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He always told me that he was never the kind of guy that was crazy about sex. He told me he had lost his virginity at 22 and that there were only a handful of girls he had slept with. That made me trust him even more. He was also the jealous type. Which could have been a sign because usually, very jealous people are likely to be jealous because they cheat and expect the same from their partner.
The last 6 months before our separation, he changed. During that time, we were actually not living together because he had found an internship in another town that was 600km from where I lived. We only saw each other twice in those 6 months because he was far away, it was expensive to travel and I had to work a lot to pay our bills. He wasn't earning much and I still had to send him money for food. In those six months he started to develop a depression. It got worse and worse. My explanation for it was that the company he was doing the internship for didn't hire him at the end and he would be unemployed again. I was doing everything in my power to help him find a job. I was writing CVs and applications in the middle of the night, hardly getting any sleep.
In that time, he became friends with a lesbian. At least he told me she was a lesbian. They went on trips together to Italy and around Germany. I even met her personnally. She met us, while we were visiting another town. We went out to eat and had drinks at a bar. Eventually, she asked us if she could sleep in our hotel room on the couch.They pretended to be friends and I believed them. Their show was impeccable. There was nothing that made me believe they weren't just friends when I met her personally. There wasn't a single sign at all. I wasn't worried because I was reassured by my husband and the girl herself. She called me saying: There is nothing for you to worry about. We are just friends. The girl was actually suffering from borderline syndrome and had stayed in a psychiatric ward for four months. She told me she knew what he was going through and she could help him. She said it's better if she takes care of him than if I take care of him because I didn't know what he was going through. It seemed a little weird but I accepted her help because I was working so much to make ends meet.
At the end of his internship, he was in a horrible state. I tried to be understanding and didn't put any pressure on him. I was trying to be supportive due to his disease. I paid a private psychologial treatment and accompanied him to doctors' appointments to get medication for him. He had actually taken antidepressants without me knowing in the last 4 months before our separation. He had gotten those antidepressants from his supposedly lesbian friend whose parents were doctors. He kept this a secret from me the whole time. There was absolutely no physical contact between me and him in the last 4 months before our separation. He said he wasn't able to have sex because of the antidepressants. His state got worse. In March, one month before I found out about what he had done, he lived with this lesbian friend. One night he called me crying and yelling, telling me he was drunk and that he was sorry, so sorry. He acted like a crazy person. I told him to stop drinking and asked his lesbian friend to make sure he didn't drink anymore.
He was physically perfect in my eyes. I loved his skin color, his perfectly white teeth, his smile and his kind eyes. His appearance totally blinded me and made me believe I had found Mr. Right. Our first week together was perfect. It felt so good kissing him and we harmonized so well. He showed me Rio de Janeiro, we visited the Christ, the Sugarloaf and went to the Copacabana beach. He even lent me money and let me stay in his apartment when he was at work. He trusted me and I trusted him, even though we hardly knew each other.
We had met online on a free dating website. I even wrote a testimonial after a couple of months in which I mentioned how perfect he was, how happy I was to have met him on this website and that we would be getting married and spending the rest of our lives together. The first things he wrote to me were: Do you mind that I don't have a picture in my profile? Yes, I did mind and that's when he added me as a friend on Facebook. He looked stunning on the pictures but at the same time, he looked really nice. Usually, there is always something that bothers you a little bit in a guy, but there was nothing that bothered me in him.
I met his family in the second month after having talked to him through Skype and they invited me to eat and stay with them. His family was very nice, although his sister seemed to be very critical of my husband and his twin brother which I didn't understand at the time. His twin brother was married and it was weird seeing him for the first time because he moved exactly like him and had almost the same voice. I didn't like his twin brother very much. He always seemed to be complaining about something and emanated a lot of negativity. His marriage was falling apart and although I didn't know the details, I knew there had been cheating going on and apparently, he was suffering from depression. My husband always found excuses for his twin brother's cheating but I never suspected anything. I always had the impression that my husband was different... more mature and goal-driven. I actually never suspected a thing in our 1.5 year marriage. And I trusted him 200%. I gave him so much freedom, let him go out with other people whenever he wanted to. He went out with men and women, who were mostly lesbians or gay guys, at least that is what he always told me.
Would you forgive your spouse if he/she cheated on you?
I found out in the beginning of April. It was in the middle of the night at 4am and I was working on a subtitling job for my most important client. My husband and the girl had been in close contact after he moved back into our apartment after his internship ended. I am saying girl because she really was a girl, a 21-year old and ten years younger than my husband. He was talking more to her than me. And everything seemed to be a bit secretive. One night, we went to a Chinese restaurant and she called him ten times in half an hour. She seemed to be in a distressed state. Another time she called and he went outside to take the call. Everything was starting to be a bit weird. I was starting to become jealous because he was talking so much to her and being so cold around me. I read a lot about depression and found out that relationships are a lot more likely to break apart if one of the spouses suffers from depression. That is why I was trying extra-hard to be supportive of his condition.
That night, something inside me told me to check his phone. And that's what I did. The first thing I read was: I love you. I froze. And I began to think. I love you can be very meaningful words but then again, it has become so common to say I love you to your friends that at the same time, they are not really that meaningful. I kept reading and remained in shock. The "lesbian" girl and my husband had been in a sexual relationship for the last four months. The details of their conversations were horrifying to me and I felt like I wasn't actually reading the words written by my husband. They also talked about me. He said, I was a horrible cook (while to me he said he always liked my cooking). He said he was not with the person he actually loved. They were doing some very unusual sexual activities including violence and extravagant sex games. They had smoked marihuana, he had stolen some things and they were planning on tattooing their names on each other's bodies...
I confronted him with my knowledge but I didn't get many reactions from him. Not even a sorry. He said there was nothing he could have done about it. He said it was part of his disease and that he needed to sleep with many girls to boost his self-esteem and that he didn't have any control over himself. The lesbian hadn't been the only girl he had cheated on me with. He admitted this when I demanded an explanation. He asked me if I was interested in a polygamous relationship. His lesbian friend had already consented to this. That is when I realized that he was out of his mind.
I don't know how I managed to get through this. The feeling of being betrayed to such an extent was the worst emotional pain I had ever felt. I was in disbelief and shock and I was very angry and bitter. One of the feelings I haven't felt that much since the separation is sadness. The moment I found out, disappointment swept over me. I think I was incapable of feeling sadness. I lost around 10 pounds. I reacted quickly and took away his ring, the presents I had given to him, his laptop and most of the stuff I had paid for him except his clothing. I sold all his stuff on ebay and was at least able to get back a percentage of the money I had spent on him.
Meanwhile, we are divorced. I moved out of the apartment, found a new one, started dancing again, changed my diet and talked to a lot of people about my experiences. My sister helped me a lot and thanks to her, I got through this okay. My feelings of revenge have left me and I feel like I am ready for a new life.
I believe that you shouldn't regret anything in life. And I don't regret having been married. It makes me the person I am today. I got some positive things from this marriage. I learned Brazilian Portuguese, I visited Brazil a couple of times and met people there who I am still friends with and I actually discovered Hubpages thanks to my ex-husband.
I also believe that men who cheat do not deserve a second chance. Cheating tells you a lot about a person's character and I personnally cannot be married to a cheater.
I may have lost some money but I didn't lose hope or become a bitter person. If anything, I am a better person than I was before. And I proved that I was able to love another person more than I loved myself. My ex-husband got a visa and a well-paid secure job thanks to me but I was the one who was able to leave this marriage with my head held high which is more than I can say for him.