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My Boyfriend's Best Friend is a Woman

Updated on July 19, 2011
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I have been with my boyfriend for 14 years now. For 13 of those years, his best friend has been a woman.

At first I was very insecure about this relationship he had with another female. Our own relationship was rather new when he met her, and they seemed to have more in common with each other than he and I did. I struggled with jealousy. I questioned him endlessly. I was very suspicious of their phone calls, their emails, their outings together without me.

I was lucky enough to have a very understanding boyfriend. He reassured me that he and this woman were just friends and nothing more. He explained that he just liked being friends with women more than men, which made sense to me as he was not your typical "manly-man". He didn't like sports or beer or poker! He would rather watch a romantic comedy than an action flick. He liked talking over a glass of wine. In fact, when I first met him, I though perhaps he was too feminine for my tastes. But as I got to know him, I realized that his supposedly feminine qualities were actually a sign of maturity and intelligence.

However, I still was able to discuss with him the acceptable boundaries for his relationship with his "other girlfriend", as I called her. He agreed with every request without hesistation, which made me even more assured of his love for me and his honesty in all things. I asked that if he was out with her alone, that he would call me every now and then, especially if he was going to be late. I asked that he not share certain personal details of our life with her, although I understood that everyone needs a friend they can talk to honestly in order to gain perspective.

It was also very helpful that my boyfriend's lady-friend was not threatening. She did not flirt with him, did not intrude on our private time, and was actively dating other men. She spoke nicely to me at all times and never ignored me in conversations. She tried hard to be my friend as well, and invited my boyfriend and I as a couple to parties and events. In the end, she actually did become a very close friend of mine and the two of us even did things together without my boyfriend. What a surprise to him!

After several years, we were very pleased to attend her wedding to a wonderful man who also was very understanding of his new wife's friendship with another guy. The two of us, her husband and I, joked about our partners being best friends and shared many a laugh at their escapades together without us.

In conclusion, I believe that not every man can have a woman as a best friend. There is a fine line between friendship and intimacy and it can be crossed very quickly. Trust must be given carefully and a partner's actions must be judged rationally. A woman has every right to be concerned if her boyfriend is spending more time with another woman than with her. That can be a sign of infidelity. Believe in your own worth, trust your gut, and don't be afraid to set boundaries and stick to them!


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    • profile image

      Ghost32 

      7 years ago

      Well done! (Said the dude with six divorces under his belt.)

      As far as I'm concerned, there is no one set of rules that applies to every human on the planet, male or female. Pam (wife #7, 15 years together and counting) didn't have to worry about me going anywhere with another woman--except to work, where some of the night shift truckers hauling water in the Colorado gasfield drilling boom were indeed female.

      A couple of those gals and I got along very well indeed. HOW well? Let's see...there was the time Maxine's Volvo(big rig Volvo, not a car) was spun out on a slick grade, and I helped her chain up. Or the time two ladies had a nasty fresh water spill and...

      ...oops. Almost said too much!

      Voted up a bunch.

    • Bud Gallant profile image

      Bud Gallant 

      7 years ago from Hamilton, Ontario, Canada

      Very insightful hub. I can understand why this would be an uncomfortable situation at first. I definitely think it can work, but requires a lot of trust and transparency. It's good to know that there are situations where this is possible, though I think it's rare for people to be able to deal with that, especially in a new relationship.

    • Dexter Yarbrough profile image

      Dexter Yarbrough 

      7 years ago from United States

      What a great hub and I really am impressed with the open communication you and your boyfriend have. At first, I thought this was going to be one of those silly-demanding-girlfriends hubs

      full of female insecurity. I quickly found that the initial concerns were legitimate, the boundaries set (and agreed to - this is important) were reasonable and your relationship with your boyfriend and his relationship with "his other girlfriend" grew in a positive way.

      I hope many other young women and men read this hub. You are a great inspiration to men in terms of your ability to be reasonable with his female friend and to women in that when you build a solid relationship based on trust, there is no need to be jealous and suspicious.

      Wonderful hub and I hope to read more from you. Voted up, up and away!

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