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My First Love - A Dream Untold

Updated on November 12, 2016

Before I begin my story,I wish to thank my friends for inspiring me to publish this and for all their timely help and prayers.With love and devotion I present before you, the story of my love - The story of my making.


"I felt like pinching myself to see if I would wake up on my bed after a terrible nightmare"
"I felt like pinching myself to see if I would wake up on my bed after a terrible nightmare"

Tragedy Strikes

I still vividly remember that day.I was busy carving a cricket bat out of a log of wood - that had almost started decaying - when I saw the postman crossing our gates.It was our summer vacation and it was time for our sixth grade results to be published.As any child would feel at those times,I too felt that sudden feel of terror deep inside my heart.The closer he approached,the higher went my heart beats and when I saw an envelope addressed to me among the pile of letters he had handed me over,I felt like pinching myself to see if I would wake up on my bed after a terrible nightmare.And the situation turned worse when I opened it n saw the wordings "Your ward Arun's result is withheld.Please meet the Principal on...".For a moment,I was contemplating all the blissful moments I had with my friends and the fun I had inside the campus.When it appeared that I may lose them forever,I felt my heart sinking and leaving my bat,which was beginning to take it's form,where it was,I went inside and on my way to my room,I saw my ettan(brother) laughing hard at a popular comedy clip that was being shown on the television.For the first time,I never felt any fun in it.While lying on my bed,the only thought I had was how to present the matter when my Amma(mom) arrives.My fear held me back from revealing the matter to Amma for about one week,after which,I was forced to tell it to her as the date for the meeting with the principal,as was mentioned in the letter,was nearing.Even to this day I can feel the shiver I had while handing over the letter to her and the rest I dare not describe.

"When it appeared that I may lose them forever,I felt my heart sinking"
"When it appeared that I may lose them forever,I felt my heart sinking"

The Verdict

Finally,Amma met with the principal and I didn't have the courage to accompany her unto the school.Neither did she force me to go with her.She might have felt some sympathy for me because ultimately I'm her son!When I saw her back home,I noticed her eyes wet with tears.With a trembling tone,while stroking my head,she said,"You can no longer continue in that school son!".I didn't speak a word.Neither did I shed a single drop of tear.I knew I deserved it.The fact that it's because I was hospitalised,that I could not write three annual exams,was no befitting excuse for the school authority to change their decision.Thank God my Appa(dad) was abroad at that time or else it would have been a different story! After a moment of silence I told her,"Amma,I want to continue my studies in that school.I don't mind repeating my sixth grade".I hopelessly expected an objection from her part but instead,she bursted into tears and while hugging me hard,I too couldn't help myself from weeping, like a toddler who has lost his toy.She too had the dream to educate me in that school until at least my 10th grade gets completed and I knew it.And I got the courage to face my plight from nowhere else but from my Amma.With trembling pain,finally I could convince her and it wasn't any harder to convince my Appa who would have been crying deep inside.And finally there I was,wearing that same old uniform one more time but with less or little joy this time.That day too,while getting ready to school,Amma came in and kissing my forehead,she asked me to take everything as a challenge and to smile in front of everyone even when I felt the other way.I held my tears hard and said "It's ok Amma,I'm Alright", though I knew I wasn't.

After reaching my school,I saw some of my dearest friends busy locating the divisions of seventh grade where they were supposed to be in, that year.And when they saw this friend loitering around the same old class,one or two of them came and asked me which division I was supposed to be in.With courage that I gathered up from my home,I told them the truth that I will no longer be with them.After revealing everything,I turned back and walked back in to my old classroom without looking at their faces.Not even today do I know how their face had turned on hearing my plight!

"The moments when I felt like a phoenix reborn from the ashes of distress."
"The moments when I felt like a phoenix reborn from the ashes of distress."

Reborn in Heaven

Due to the strong feeling of humiliation and embarrassment,I had come very early that day assuming that I could get in to the class even before my friends arrived,thus avoiding a shower of questions I may be subjected to, and I succeeded in it to a good extent except for the incident where I had to recite my story to some of my close friends as I had mentioned just a while ago.So there I was,standing all alone within the walls of that classroom once again,as if to prove something.I straight away headed to the last bench, placed my backpack on it and came and sat on the first bench as if I had something well-planned in my mind.After some moments,I stood up and fled down the stairs and stopped only when I reached in front of the Principal's room.I had decided to plead one last time,hoping that my innocence would change his decision at the last second!But it was as if fate was standing there holding a "no entry board" because when I peeped in,I saw the Principal having a discussion with some guests.I didn't have the courage to interrupt them.So I waited,waited and waited but their chat went on and on and the hopes were slowly being drained away.It was only when I noticed that it's almost time for the school buses to arrive,that I decided to retreat.So once again I got inside the classroom and by this time,most of the students - my "ex-juniors" - were in.After some days of shame and discomfiture,slowly I found myself coping with the new environment,new mates and my new life.Gradually,I could see a glare of light gleaming amidst the dark clouds and I started to smile from my heart one more time.And I enjoyed being among my new friends and guess what, I passed the annuals this time!The moments when I felt like a phoenix reborn from the ashes of distress.

"I cannot exactly figure out what was so special about her that allured me so much"
"I cannot exactly figure out what was so special about her that allured me so much"

Here Comes The Angel!

On the day of school reopening,a pleasant aura of happiness had enveloped the environment and Amma seemed unusually happy and delighted and showed too much enthusiasm in filling in my lunch box with rice and my favourite tuna fish,besides preparing chappathi and potato curuma for my breakfast.I was equally excited and having two chappathis for the sake of eating,I skedaddled,giving Amma,a happy hug.On reaching the school,I was busy finding my seventh class division,like my friends did,the previous year.After having found my name on the list of students supposed to be in 'D' division,I marched in like a proud warrior!Since it had only been a year since I joined my new batch,I was an alien to most of them.So were they to me.I hence was expecting someone who had shared my class the year before,to join me and present me a sigh of relief.I therefore kept on scanning the face of each and every person coming in and going out,while sitting on the very first bench this time!

While on the process of observing my new companions,suddenly,my eyes halted for a while,when I saw a girl,short in length,fair,with short hairs,small slender nose,cute eyes and pink lips walking in gracefully busy talking to one of her friends.I cannot exactly figure out what was so special about her that allured me so much.If it was her beauty,then there were prettier girls whom I could have stared at.It's something else.That's the most precise explanation I can give about it.But within a while,I was again engaged in spotting a person I knew.And to my relief,I found some.Spending some days sitting on the very first bench,I gradually moved back three of four benches after frequently getting caught for not doing my homeworks.And she used to sit on the very first bench close to the teacher's table.So while teachers are teaching,even her slightest movement,drew my attention towards her.But initially,like any other girl,she too was no more than just a classmate to me.She wasn't very talkative too.Neither was I.

As days passed by,I got to know her more and I observed that she had a tremendous charisma that couldn't be attributed to any quality in particular.I noticed she always had a smile on her lips and even when she gets embarrassed with anyone or anything,it was worth admiring!Being an introvert by nature,I never had the courage to even smile at her though I wished if I could.Slowly and slowly,I was totally attracted to her.The moment when I realised she was no longer just any classmate to me,was when she took leave on a day.I found something missing and spent all the intervals sleeping with my head bowed down on the desk,all the time thinking about her.I kept asking myself, "What happened to me?". The urge to go and talk to her was rising day by but that year no miracle happened!

"While practising severely like never before, I had just one ultimate goal"
"While practising severely like never before, I had just one ultimate goal"

On The Wings of Inspiration

A tremendous change had taken place within me since that year and by now, I had started thinking of all possible ways to impress her.For the first time in my life, I regretted for giving up my music classes when I was in my sixth grade.If I had not stopped going for those classes, perhaps,I would have been able to impress her.But it had been years since I practised well and it was nomore in my way,which forced me to think of an alternative.That's how I took up sports as a challenge and I was discovering the athlete within me,though I had got some numerable prizes in sports when in kindergarten.Starting off with high jump,I secured the second prize that year and it saw the birth of an athlete.While practising severely like never before, I had just one ultimate goal.That year I bagged 3 medals and I took off from there.The following year I secured the first prize for the event I loved the most - High Jump and achieved 4 medals including two golds and though I couldn't have succeeded in gaining her attention,I grabbed the attention of the officials.I received a shower of praises and I was realising this was my way.Thoughts about developing a rapport with her was so zealous that I never felt my training and exercise sessions to be a boredom.I rather enjoyed it.When in my tenth,God gifted me aptly for my perseverance with my first invidividual championship and it was kind of epic for me! Happier were my Amma,Appa and 2 brothers.When they were offering me words of praise,I was silently thanking the girl for gifting me a new life and new ways.The following two years too,I went on to secure the individual championship,which made me one among the few to have achieved a hatrick in that aspect.I showed my skill in basketball too and it became my passion.The person - whose life and dreams were once thought to be shattered and smashed in the hands of mighty fate - was reborn in the care of Almighty!

"I developed a routine of carrying the gift cover during lunch breaks and would stroll in front of her class"
"I developed a routine of carrying the gift cover during lunch breaks and would stroll in front of her class"

Journey of a Giftbox

Years passed by and I was totally celebrating my new life with ebullience and though I rarely talked to her in between these years,I was blessed to be in the same class that she was in, despite shuffling that took place every year, and we shared the same classrooms till we reached 11th grade.When I reached 11th,unfortunately,we were shuffled and I was put in 'C' division while she was placed in 'B' division.But later I believed it was for good because her absence in my class urged me to initiate preparations to propose her. "I should not delay it any further", I thought.The very next day,I bought some chocolates that were of high demand that time because of some reason that I don't know even today as I seldom consumed chocolates.But I knew she loved them so it wasn't a tough job to make a decision as to what to present her with.I bought as many chocolates as I could with the money I had brought with me and for the rest of the money,bought some candies too.It was an arduous time bringing them inside without Amma or brothers noticing it,but I succeeded in it.As a next step,I made a gift box myself out of a cardboard box and wrapped it all over with a cream-coloured sello-tape.To ensure God will be pleased with my efforts,I stuck a picture of Lord Krishna,my favourite deity on the front face of the box.Now the box looked charming.I safely locked up the chocolates and the box inside my cupboard and left it there.

Next,I wrote a love letter of about 6 pages explaining how my life changed after I met her and how I desired to be with her,and it took about 4 nights for it to get completed.Finally,I arranged the chocolates inside the box in an attractive way, placed the letter above it, scattered some candies above it like a decoration and wrapped everything up nicely with a note on the seal - "Open with a smile".I placed the gift box inside a beautiful little meroon coloured cover and kept it safely inside my school bag.The next day onwards,I developed a routine of carrying the gift cover during lunch breaks and would stroll in front of her class but never ever did I have the courage to call her out of the classroom and handover my gift.So I when the lunch break is about to get over,I would return back with it and place it back in my bag as usual.This practice went on for almost two weeks.One day while I was walking with my gift cover during the lunch break, one of my friends approached me and after a chitchat,asked me what it was in the cover! I felt my heart in mouth and stood speechless for a while, after which I replied : "Oh it's just the lunch for my cousin studying in 9th". Honestly, I never had any cousin there in my school and therefore I was thinking about the next lie to deliver if he asked more about my cousin.But luckily he seemed convinced and went away.Hugely relieved, I fled back to my class and placed the cover back.That day, on reaching home, I took the gift out,and locked it back inside my cupboard and I never dared to carry it to school again! I placed the love letter separately inside a folder to avoid getting caught by my parents.And the effort totally went in vain and that year too,I failed to apprise her of my desire.

"my class saw me crying another time - after a long 6 years"
"my class saw me crying another time - after a long 6 years"

The Heartbreak

When we reached 12th,our final year in school,the authority had appointed me as the head of sports among students.That boosted my confidence to a high standard and I looked upon myself like a soldier - who has won a fierce battle - in my new attire, which consisted of a pair of epaulettes, each of which, had a silver star studded on it, which marked my degree as a sports captain.That pride, mixed with the fact that it was our final year in school,spurred me to propose her this time without fail.This time, God opened a door for me.I became close with one of her friends and honestly, it was purely unintentional from my part.I never ever expected I would be able to reach her through this friend.She was in my class while my girl was in another division.This friend agreed to help me and one day I bought another four or five chocolates and handed it over to my friend and asked her to talk to my girl after making sure she ate at least one from it.She agreed and after having her lunch, she went to my girl's class,called her out of her class and extended the bunch of chocolates to her.She was astonished to see such an unusual gesture from my friend.She asked what it was all about and my friend asked her to pick a chocolate before knowing the logic behind it.But she refused.Some sort of a suspicion might have struck her.She insisted on knowing the reason.Finally my friend said to her, "Arun loves you!".On hearing this,she was literally taken aback and stood there with her mouth and eyes wide open, and both her hands on her forehead.She stood speechless for about a minute.All these while I was inside my classroom,praying hard to all the deities a hindu boy would know of!After some moments of silence, she asked my friend, "What happened to him? I never thought he would have such a feeling on me,or any one in our school for that matter".She was right.I never gave her any clue because I was afraid.And she continued, "This is never going to happen,not because I hate him, but he has a bright future in sports, and he deserves a better girl.Ask him to be happy and cheerful".Saying this,she turned back,and walked into her classroom,even without a glimpse at those chocolates.My friend returned and when she described the scene, my class saw me crying another time - after a long 6 years.

"it seemed like my achievements and perseverance were getting dwarfed by her virtue"
"it seemed like my achievements and perseverance were getting dwarfed by her virtue"

The Revival

Since then, I tried my best to avoid situations where I had to come face to face with her, as I was quite apprehensive about going and apologising to her.And sadly, I never went and spoke to her thereafter till we passed out of our school.The only time I spoke to her after that was about four years later, while I was doing my degree.I ringed her up and she had the mercy to pick up the call and the angel solaced me with her words.It was the first time I was talking to her more than about ten seconds and I noticed that she had a bold way of talking brimming with maturity than I ever expected.I was feeling childish and it seemed like my achievements and perseverance were getting dwarfed by her virtue.My sound began to tremble and I could hold my feelings no more.When I felt like I was going to burst into tears, I cut the phone, bringing an end to that conversation - probably our last.And I sent her a wish through a message on her birthday, which I believe is the last time I communicated with her.I witnessed the angel ascending from the plains of my life,after lifting me up from chaos, from despair, from the grief Amma could have felt, to a bright world, to the discovery of a sports person within me, to a better human being, to a better me.

I have not seen her thereafter.I don't know where she is or what she is doing.I don't know whether she has thought about me ever.And I don't know whether I'll see her again either.But I know one thing.I can no more expect to have her by my side,in this life.Neither do I hope that anymore.I pray to my Lord Krishna,who I believe has sent her to me, that wherever she is, she is doing good and keeping well changing course of some other life.

© 2013 Arun Sivaraj

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      SahaaAmmuu 3 weeks ago

      One of the best article I have ever read, about a love story.... Such a nice story... you have a good heart to love a girl without any expectations.. May the Almighty fulfil all your heart desires... And all the very best for your future.... and I wish you will definitely find your true love

    • arunsiv profile image
      Author

      Arun Sivaraj 3 years ago from Trivandrum Kerala IN

      Thanks a lot for your time and support bro...you are right.I couldn't gather enough courage to approach her with my proposal just because I never ever wanted to hear a NO from her part.I valued her and wished to have her so very much.I never ever wanted it to be a losing game so I was waiting and waiting.But ultimately...I lost her as I feared :( But I've no regrets today.At least I am happy that I have the good mind to love a girl sincerely without expecting anything but her love in return.

    • Jodah profile image

      John Hansen 3 years ago from Queensland Australia

      This hub was a pleasure to read, but so sad. I wish you had plucked up the courage to give her the gift and love letter earlier, before you excelled at sports and she would not have thought you too good for her.

      I have understood this happening many times however, and have experienced it myself.....too scared to tell a girl how I feel. Voted up.

    • arunsiv profile image
      Author

      Arun Sivaraj 3 years ago from Trivandrum Kerala IN

      Thanks a lot sis...God Bless :)

    • mathira profile image

      mathira 3 years ago from chennai

      arunsiv, your narration style made it very interesting to read.