My First Time Coming Out of The Closet: What I Already Expected
When was the first time you came out to your friends or family? Were you disappointed, excited, or even uncertain of what the outcome would be? My first coming out wasn't... all of what was suppose to be expected.
It was sometime in September of last year when I couldn't hold in my gut any longer; I had to tell somebody in my family tree or else I would had gone insane from silence and hiding my secret of being transgender. I've been locked up in cold silence for about three years, but it wasn't until recently I finally found out who I really was: a man trapped inside a woman's body. I was absolutely terrify of what my family would think of me. For the most part, I was scared of what my mom and dad would think of me! So, like any normal, scared-out-of-my-life teen would do, I first declared to myself that I would come out to my older brother because he's the only sibling I have in this family that would at least try to understand me. And secondly, my brother is NOT my parent, so it felt even to the both of us as brother and... well, soon-to-be brother once I told him.
Now, when I did told him, he took a moment to pause and react to himself. It didn't even have to sink in long enough to process nor did he even had to blink twice. He simply smiled and congratulated me on figuring out who I was. In fact, he felt honored that I came to him first because we both know how our parents are. Mom would had gone all religious on me, saying how Jesus wants me to stay the way He created me. And dad, not being born in the 21st century and doesn't believe on "new change" or the fact of not even being a Christian, would had had a mental break down or a heart attack and then he would had went off on me for wanting to be someone I was not born as. In my mind, heart, and soul I was trapped for now til I built up enough bravery to come out to them. But the question was, whom first?
As the months went by, it was very difficult to keep my emotions in touch. After about three months later, my brother soon got impatience and even scared for me. He would say, "Please try talk to your parents about it. At least give them a few pointers before blindly coming out." But the silence didn't last long enough because even than, my mom was suspecting SOMETHING was going on with my brother and I. And, to be shamefully honest, I would sometimes slip up and say stuff like, "Hey, mom. Do we have $50,000 for surgery? Just wondering." or I would sign heavily whenever she would say my female name, she/her pronouns, or anything that represent the word "Woman". When it finally boiled to a point of her guessing that I was lesbian, I called it quits on hiding. If anything, I'm pan-sexual, not a lesbian. But my main feeling in my heart is that I was born in the wrong gender. I was mistaken as a female by God or whomever created me and got me on this Earth. Last time I checked, I was a man with a flat chest and a pair, not a woman with breast or feminine equipment!
When the day arrived, I came to my senses to come out to my mom in the family car because of privacy. Her reaction wasn't what I expected: she was both confused and sorta accepting, I guess. She actually thought transgender people were interesting to her, which is both a bit flattering and just plain weird coming out of your own mom's mouth. But, bitterly and sadly, the acceptance or the admiring soon halted and she then started to treat me indifferently from then on out. ...It was first sunshine that came, then a massive thunderstorm hit and tore my rainbow apart.
My mom and I made up the final plan for my dad: I'm going to come out to him... on my birthday! When that day came, my dad didn't know what to think when I told him I wanted to be a man. At first, it was very quiet; not one word passed his lips. Then my dad even had to rephrase my sentence, but it was in a question format. "You... want to be... a guy?" I couldn't bare any more silence, I had to hold my breath without erupting into flames of anxiety. After moments, which felt like wholesome hours, my dad... laughed. Chuckled. He thought I was joking! He mocked me by saying, "You're just confused. You, a guy? You act more like a girl than a guy. Please don't tell me your boyfriend knows about this too." I stuck up for my boyfriend... in reality, whom is my girlfriend; she's transgender too. I told my dad about how my boyfriend is actually my girlfriend and he roared with laughter at that as well.
I was furious, hurt, and most of all, it felt like I didn't had any family besides my brother.
It's been almost a full year that I told my dad and to this day, he harshly judges me and jokes at me being trans. And, to this day, I regretted ever coming out to my parents.
What was your first experience when coming out to your loved ones and/or friends?