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My Heart, My Enemy
There is a fine line between love and hate, sanity and derangement. I am not certain which side of those lines I am on at this particular moment. Please my darlings, allow me this indulgence. I want to scream and to cry and to yell to the whole world that my heart is hurting. I want someone to tell me something that makes complete and relentless sense about what I am feeling and experiencing from this loss of love. I want to understand the reason that we live and love and lose love before our bodies are no more, and we become spirit. And presumably once we are spirit, we understand it all. On the “other side” it will all make sense. In the midst of my pain, that makes no sense at all.
I’d sooner skip the pain and move on to the peace. My heart and my brain war against each other. And there is a peace that can only be found on the other side of this war. I know that. I don’t like it, but I do know it. I am standing here again, a lone soldier on the battlefield of my life. I contemplate how lonely alone is. I am trembling on the inside, nothing on the inside of me is still. I must hold myself together, and so I reach for my icy-cold, steely strength, just so I don’t fall apart. And falling apart is all I wish to do. Can’t do that though. Alone won’t pick me up and pull me back together. So I guess it’s just easier not to fall apart in the first place.
In the second place, just let me fall apart. Oh God I hurt. I am angry at this wound, this punishment, this wretched pain. I want to pick it up and throw it against the wall, or hold it under water until its life drains out. I want to hurt this pain like it hurts me. I’ve pushed it away so many, many, many times in my attempt at sheer avoidance of its complete experience. I have run from it, and so delayed its deliverance of hurt. I don’t want to hurt. I am so like a child wanting its mother to cradle it and protect it from all that is bad. Love is just not that simple.
I feel like the example that God made to show the rest of the world how blessed they are to have found love. I cannot now, nor do I believe I ever will, understand why I have been doomed to living my life without the love of a partner in the realm of an intimate relationship. These twenty years have come and gone in what seems to be the space of three breaths. My fear is growing old, and I feel I am too worn out from this loss to ever try again.
I would curse the day I met him, but I love him too much to do that. I am full of contradiction, and everyone around me may see me as such a fool. Maybe I am. If I am, I have been for love.
© 2012 Bella Nina