Surprise It's a Lesbian
Cops! That is correct Cops the television show displayed a domestic dispute between a lesbian couple. The butch had been put out of the house and upon sight my mothers reaction was very far from tolerant. Immediately slurs ran rapid from her as though she was the one sitting on the curb. "Those dyke's" and "bull-daggers" were her favorite terms. She spoke with such hostility and disdain like it was personal. Sister thought this was funny. She truly laughed at every single comment and slur my bible totting, scripture reciting, hymn singing mother spoke. I just sat quietly on the sofa hoping not be noticed. If I could have disappeared I would have in that very moment. Sister encouraged momma more by asking " Momma so you are saying if I was gay you wouldn't let me in your house?" My mom stopped for a brief moment and I began listening intently. Momma spoke, "you can come but your lover she can't come past my mailbox. I didn't raise no lesbians." She turned, looked at me and said again " I didn't raise any lesbians." Well with that said I understood at 10 years of age homosexuality was not accepted to my momma and therefore it would not be accepted by my family. In a matriarchal family momma was the Commander and Chief of everyone's life. Yes we all did do our thing that we would pray momma never found out about but on Sunday we all gathered to 3936 for dinner that is after we came from church.
How am I going to manage two lives?
10 years have passed now and I have managed to fly under the radar. Whenever the topic of boyfriend came up I had one. And best of all I was a church going girl. I had surrounded myself with heterosexual women that kept my desire for being with a woman down. I only had to battle those lesbian demons at night. I had only one obstacle, College. In college people see through you because we are all on a voyage to somewhere. We all want that Enlightenment at least during the Lauryn Hill era. I could no longer fight off the want and longing for the touch of a woman. I needed to know if this life was what I really wanted. I had to face myself and my own demons head on. It wasn't hard because a lesbian can always spot another lesbian regardless if she is straddling the fence, just curious, or fully out of the closet. I wondered how they knew. How can they tell? Nonetheless I caught one. Our friendship grew and our relationship was so easy. I didn't have to explain everything about what I was thinking. Everything just came so easy for me. I wasn't uncomfortable or hesitant about anything. I didn't feel insecure about who I was or if I was doing anything right. I knew how to touch her, how to kiss her, I knew how to make love to her and I loved it. My lack of experience was never known. There was no chance of going back to this heterosexual pretending. I was wrong.
The Awkward Visits
It was holiday time I had to go visit my parents. I had to return back to the girl momma was happy with. There was not a chance that I was going to disappoint her. I put on all the right clothes and combed my hair perfectly and not a soul knew what was going on. How long will this go on I didn't know but one thing was for sure I was not going to tell momma I was a lesbian. I could always hear her hurtful words. I had a wonderful girlfriend and no one could know about it. I had to change her name to a unisex name in my cell phone so just in case she called no one would be wise to it being a female. This double life was ripping me apart inside out. My friends I surrounded myself with couldn't know either. I was not ready for the looks or the questions. I needed them so that I could keep up my secret life underground. They provided me with the distraction and as much as I wanted to share my inner battles I wasn't sure if I was going to take this lesbian thing seriously yet. Maybe I can shake this. If I pray hard and fast this will go away. There had to be at least one guy that can change me and remove all these thoughts. No such luck. Oh well as long as everything keeps going the way it is no one will ever have to know and I can keep this double thing up.
Too Good to Be True Absolutely Correct
Just like the movies tragedy came in the form of a hurricane that shook up everything. Before, I knew where everyone was but now I have to look over my shoulders because I didn't know who was watching and who knew anyone in my family or my friends or my church family. Anxiety you better believe it. In one of those run to the store moments who do I run into, my brother. Daddy was sick and hear he is in my face telling me how much of a disgrace I was. You better know by the time I got back home my phone was blowing up with family that wanted the truth. Between you and me they wanted confirmation. I held strong to not answering their questions because everyone that called wanted me to hear what was on their mind not what was on mine. So I just listened and said OK well I have to go to work now and hung up.
It wasn't until dad passed that I began living my life as loud as I wanted. I realized life was short and living how I was living was suicide. I was depressed and the phone rang. This time it was momma. Oh Lord! was all I could think. I answered and the voice was firm, but quiet. She never asked me if I was a lesbian she merely repeated what she had told me now 13 years ago. "I didn't raise no lesbians and your papa would roll over in his grave if he saw you like this." I remained silent as tears strolled down my face. I was faced with it. The one thing I had ran so hard to not confront, momma's disappointment. The worst part of it all is that I don't know how to stop it. I do not know how to turn off being a lesbian. It's who I am my inside and my outside finally match and I'm not hiding anymore and Boom here it is Momma is disappointed in me. And don't think she didn't remind me that my lover was not welcomed to her home. With this conversation closing I knew calling my mom for help was over. I knew she was no longer my safety net. I knew I had to become successful in-spite of her ideas regarding my lifestyle. I also knew I had lost my family unit as I had known it. One of my sisters still have not spoken to me almost 10 years later. My brothers communicate through the two who keep in touch with me in a family of many.I would love to pretend that the lack of conversations and involvement in my family's' life didn't hurt but I would only be pretending.
Vowing to live Proudly
On August 8, 2010 my partner and I stood before our pastor, friends and her family to profess our love for one another. Although I had 2 members of my family that talk to me, they refused to support me in my union because no one was going against the Matriarch. The pain of that is something I will never forget but I forgive them all because I love them still. My special day was bittersweet. No I don't get invited to family reunions or gatherings but I continue to hold my head up and live my life thankful for every breath God has given to me. It doesn't matter what I have been through I know I am a Survivor and I am a force. I would not change my family knowing because it taught me who everyone really was and I learned I am a lot stronger than I had ever known. Living is a gift that I am more than thankful for. My prayer for others, if you have a loved one that is GLBT reach out to them don't shun them because there is so much you will miss out on in your own life holding on to so much hatred. Love them, Love them til it hurts because we love you back just that much for all of your support.
Should I tell my mom I'm Lesbian
© 2013 Tiffany C Jefferson