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My Recent Struggle - Biting My Tongue and Implosion Options
A Battle of Flesh and Spirit
I've grown up a naturally defensive person. Unfortunately, it takes little to surface that defence-mechanism in my heart. So I have been working diligently for a couple days to bite my tongue when someone voices their opinion of random aspects of my life that they were not invited by me to speak about.
This is where I come to a roadblock because I am a vocal female. I have learned over the years that I need an outlet to release pent-up anxiety caused by other people. For quite some time now, my only outlet has been my husband. It has been a difficult for many reasons to share my feelings with him. One of those reasons being his work schedule. I very seldom have time to just sit down and have a good conversation with him.
I was proud of myself today because several things were said to me that were derrogatory, disapproving, rude and unnecessary, and, for the first time in a while, I went a whole day without getting caught up in a fight about them. I bit my tongue, and walked away (or allowed them to walk away without retort). I cannot tell you how massively difficult yet refreshing it was for me. I am not necessarily a confrontational person, but I am blunt and honest, especially when it comes to explaining something I know someone has misunderstood about me, or is not respecting.
While I'm happy about not responding in a time of opportunity, I went off about how stressed I was to my husband. I was very discouraged by this because I realized that, one way or the other, those bottled up feelings would release....it was only a matter of time. This reminded me of why I write (that and someone I ended up getting a chance to speak with about the matter reminded me as well). Writing is a great outlet for me and my frequent out-of-control emotions. It allows me to speak my mind, tell someone off - figuratively speaking - with no negative end results, and vent frustrations. And the best part about it all...I can write about anything to accomplish this. Writing, as a general gift, has given me that ability. It has released a freedom inside me that nothing else can do. So if I tend to write hubs similar to this one - be advised - something has recently quaked my life, and I am desperately trying to make sense of it and let the dust settle without creating an after-shock. I'm letting my coals fade from red to black again.
I have spoken to God many times when I feel this way, but I will be honest...sometimes I just need a person to say 'I understand'. Other times, I just need someone to hug me the way my husband did today and reassure me. Either way, I like my new-found maturity. Though some mistake it for being a walking matt, I know it's honoring God, and avoiding the inevitable. So I give myself a challenge. For one week, this is my daily goal. Biting my tongue until it hurts. Putting my feelings, emotions, and defences on the bench, and letting my mature attitudes have the court. I have often watched my husbands aunt do this. Blow after verbal blow, she has not voiced her thoughts. She stays humble, kind and just takes it. I do not see it as weakness, for weakness is rolling with what your flesh desires to do. Weakness is giving in. There is no fight in giving in. I see this as great strength. An internal fight between the flesh and the spirit. A battle of whomever will outlast the other. In the end...which one will win?
But who can tame the tongue; it is a restless evil and full of deadly poison. James 3:8