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My break up story

Updated on June 18, 2019

My first love

This was my first real relationship. We started dating when we were both 23 and I was a hot mess. I deal with anxiety but back then it was a lot worse. I realise now just how toxic I was and have been. I didn’t have a job or a license. I honestly didn’t have my life together at all and I wasn’t prepared for a relationship because I was embarrassed about the state my life was in.

But we dated anyway, and that lasted for a good year. It was a roller coaster though, but for some reason he liked it. I would pick fights, get upset about small things, I’d be jealous and suspicious, I didn’t trust him even though he had never given me a reason not to (see what I mean by I was toxic). It was just a constant battle between me, my issues and him. I can see how unfair it is to have put him through so much, but life isn’t about regrets, it’s about learning from your mistakes. So I did.

One year itch

We dated for a year back in 2016. And one year into our relationship, the start of 2017 he decides he wants to move six hours away. Of course, he asked me to go with him but I was too scared to step out of my comfort zone. Not only that, but he also waited the last minute to ask me to go with him, so we broke up. That breakup was on and off for quite a few months until we finally decided to give it another shot.

He asked me to visit him, it was a test to see if we could give this one more try. I agreed and forced myself to get out of my comfort zone, as I had never travelled alone before by bus and train. I felt a little confidence boost from doing it though.

I stayed with him for a few days, and also went to stay with my sister (they lived in the same city). He ended up having to work one night and asked if I wanted to stay at his house. The thing is he lives with his brother and cousin. And I could feel they did not want me there but they faked it, so I thought okay, I’ll fake it too.

My anxiety was so bad that day, the thought of them silently hating my presence forced me to lock myself in his room the whole time he was gone. I couldn’t bring myself to hang out with them if he wasn’t there. They did come in and ask if I wanted to go to lunch, I said no as money was an issue.

When he got home that night he was pissed off. They’d told him I was being antisocial, that I hadn’t left the room and it made them uncomfortable. So, you know what he did? He kicked me out that night.

I cried to my sister on the phone, asked her to come and pick me up. She drove 40 mins to come and get me and that was the end of us for 6 months. I was so angry that he kicked me out, so it was easy for me to move on from the relationship, or so I thought.


I thought I had moved on

During those six months I moved in with my sister and her housemate. This also meant I only lived forty minutes away from him instead of six hours. I started studying, and slowly I was getting my life together, little by little.

When he found out that I was doing well he wanted to be part of that. To see me blossom into the person he had always envisioned was something he didn't want to miss out on (his words). So after ignoring me for six months he messaged me. I had messaged quite a few times during those months and he always ignored me. Mind you I was at a point where I had finally started to move on and let him go, but when I saw his name pop up on my screen the world slowed down for a moment.

Anyway, we started up our relationship again. It was still a bit of a rollercoaster but I had dealt with my past issues somewhat. The relationship went on for a good year and a half and six months ago he asked me to move in and I accepted. The problem was he asked for the wrong reasons, something I didn’t find out until he broke up with me.


All for the wrong reasons

Now his big reason for asking me to move in was that he wanted to start our future together, okay I’ll give him that. The other reasons were because driving forty minutes to see me was such a burden, even though it took an hour and a half on the train for me which I never complained about. You know why? Because seeing him was worth it. Another reason was that I always complained that he never gave me enough of his time or attention. He thought that if he asked me to move in he wouldn’t have to put so much time and effort in. What a great reason to ask someone to move in with you.

He put a lot of effort into exercising, his job, and his family. All great things, right? But where was I on that list? The very bottom of it, that’s where. Now I’m sure his side of the story would be completely different. It might even paint me to be the bad annoying shitty girlfriend. Which is true, I was a shitty girlfriend. I was clingy and draining to be around. I gave too much time and affection. I basically smothered him because he didn’t give me enough of his love. So things between us became unbalanced. I loved doing things for him like cooking, washing his clothes, cleaning our room, making it look pretty and feel comfortable. I enjoyed doing those stupid little things, and he said he liked it too… until he didn’t.

I loved spending so much time with him that it got to a point where he needed space from me. That’s where it started to turn sour. I was so unhappy and unsatisfied, I wanted him to fight harder and show me he loved me. Stupid of me, I know. But that was the problem, he no longer loved me, so fighting for me wasn’t on his agenda. And honestly maybe he never truly loved me.


The ending

The last month of our relationship he had become so distant and cold. He rarely told me he loved me, he rarely showed affection, even less than when he had supposedly cared. And every time I would walk into the room I could see it on his face that he didn’t want me around. It is painful to feel rejected by someone you love.

But as I said, I was a shitty girlfriend, it isn’t all him. And honestly accepting your own flaws and making an effort to fix them is a big step in the right direction. Relationships tend to show you what it is that you need to work on. The major problems were because I didn’t have a job or a license. I wasn’t motivated enough to get out there. He hated that I had anxiety. At one point he told me he thought I was using it as an excuse to not do anything with my life. And I can understand where he is coming from. It is hard to understand mental illness when you don’t suffer from it, and that is fair enough. If I had pushed myself things might be different, but I would have been doing it for him instead of myself. It wouldn’t have worked out, and I don’t want to be with someone who isn’t sure of me when things get difficult.

Everything built up over time, and he just wanted out of the relationship. I begged and bargained with him, I promised I would change if he would give me one more chance. And honestly, I was going to stick to my word because it was motivation enough to get me out of my own way. However, nothing I said made a difference. He had checked out long ago and admitted that when it was over he was relieved… ouch.

So four weeks ago I moved out, and I’m living back in my old room with my sister and housemates.

There are so many things I regret doing, and there are so many things I would change if I had a chance, but not to win him back. I’d change it all for myself and my future. I’m happier now without the relationship and it's sad that I didn’t realise until it ended just how unhappy I really was. Love really can blind you.

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    • Brenda Arledge profile image

      BRENDA ARLEDGE 

      2 months ago from Washington Court House

      Elise,

      This is a sad story but it happens to many of us.

      "I basically smothered him because he didn’t give me enough of his love." This statement is so true. When he does not show love - you want to somehow reassure yourself it is still there.

      Enjoying doing all the housework, cooking etc I can relate with in my life.

      I did way too much. I did everything for him, but he took it all for granted.

      I was raised to believe this is what ones does...take care of the person he loves.

      But now I am bitter...I will not do all these things again no matter how much I want too. I will not feel like such the fool by making it so easy for him. He thought he needed another to have fun with probably because quite frankly I was too tired to be much fun after taking care of his house.

      I didn't take time for myself. I had dinner waiting on him each day no matter what shift. I thought he appreciated me.

      I believe he thought it was my job. So this is a hard lesson to learn....but Stop.

      Make him realize you are his Lover....not his mother.

      I could feel your heart pour out in this piece of work....this is what makes a great writer.

    • Foolise profile imageAUTHOR

      Elise 

      9 months ago from Melbourne

      You put it so perfectly dashingscorpio. Thank you, today I was feeling a little overwhelmed about the breakup and your comment has once again put it all into perspective for me.

    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 

      9 months ago from Chicago

      "This was my first real relationship. We started dating when we were both 23." - That pretty much explains it all!

      Very few people end up living a happily ever after with their (first) real love. It's only natural to be "clingy" in one's (first) relationship.

      Secondly at least in the U.S. most guys in their 20s have no interest getting married. They want to establish a career, party with friends, watch sports, and get laid.

      Any relationship they have at that age is temporary.

      My point is even if you weren't clingy or a "hot mess" odds were against you finding life long love with a 23 year old guy.

      Everyone has a certain amount of "practice relationships" before they craft their own mate selection process/must haves list.

      No one should force themselves to trust anyone. Trust like respect has to be earned over time. Most people regret ignoring red flags or not listening to their inner voice or gut instincts.

      Thirdly a lot of women would have felt uncomfortable being along with two guys they really don't enjoy being around. However for your ex to kick (you) out for not being sociable proves he was not in love.

      Three guys living together is like being in a fraternity house. A lot of immature guys have what they call a "bros before hoes" code. Essentially (their bond) is stronger than any girl they're dating. As far as they are concerned any girlfriend is just "passing through".

      Lastly the first year of a relationship is usually the "infatuation phase" or "honeymoon phase". If your first year with someone is filled with drama that does not bode well for long-term happiness. In addition long distance relationships are far more likely to fail especially for couples who had not already established a deep bond whereby one has planned to relocate to be with the other.

      "I’m happier now without the relationship and it's sad that I didn’t realise until it ended just how unhappy I really was."

      That statement is very common when we look back on a failed relationship. It is hard to be objective when you're emotionally invested. However with more dating and relationship experience comes wisdom. You stop ignoring your unhappiness with others.

      Life is too short to be trying to change water into wine.

      The goal is to find someone who (already is) what you want.

      It's better to be alone than with the wrong person.

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