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My experience dating a man with aspergers

Updated on June 27, 2012

My experience dating a man with aspergers

Imagine being in love with a man that everyone around you seems to hate. Imagine dating someone who is desperately trying to get a job but is turned down everywhere, even for basic minimum wage jobs. You know him, he is smart and has a high IQ and you know he can do anything he sets his mind to. However the rest of the world, including your family thinks he is "off", or "mental". This is what it is like to be in my world.

I've read books on Aspergers and even had 2 years experience working with children with aspergers prior to meeting my boyfriend. He told me he had aspergers on the first night we met. Due to my prior readings and experience I knew what I was getting myself into. Also his social awkwardness didn't bother me because I'm smart enough to look beyond that. He has a wonderful sense of humor even if his jokes are often odd. He is great with computers and household maintenance. I wouldn't be able to live by myself without him. He is very tolerant and patient with my mood swings as I have battled depression for years. All of my former non asperger boyfriends have left me and not looked back. I know I'm difficult to be with because while I try to be positive I fall into spells where I cannot get myself into a reasonably good mood for weeks. I wonder if his different way of processing emotions help promote his patience. Somehow he finds the strength to listen, comfort, and care for me when I'm down. I don't know how I would hold my tough job in the social work field and juggle grad school without having him there to vent my feelings and hug on.

One drawback of his different way of processing emotions is that I have to be very direct and spell out exactly how I feel. He has a difficult time picking up hints and non-verbal cues.

Luckily receiving affection from him has not been an issue, as I've heard some people with aspergers have trouble giving and receiving affection due to sensory issues. His perception of love, however is somewhat different from the norm. He says he loves me constantly, worships the ground I walk on, tells me I'm pretty, helps me around the house, follows me around everywhere, and gives me lots of hugs and kisses. However when I asked him if he would be said if I died in a car accident he said that he might cry a little or not at all. He would just get up and move on. This hurt me a little at first but then I remembered that he processes emotions differently and may not even be able to predict how he would feel if i died. So I got over it and decided to stay away from those questions from now on.

He is currently unemployed and having a terrible time finding a job. He looks and tries very hard and has had some interviews. I'm not sure how his interviews actually go because I'm not there of course. He says they go fine but I'm not so sure. He has a very difficult time getting jokes and with his literal way of answering questions, I'm sure he is not selling his skills but instead simply telling the interviewers his faults.

We hope to get married someday and he wants to buy me an engagement ring but he cannot afford one. When he gets a job he wants to officially propose to me and said he would. There goes the surprise.

Everyone I know thinks I am absolutely insane for dating him. I also know that everyone I know does not understand him like I do. They can only see him as a walking fault because they cannot get passed the way he is so "different". But I see a wonderful unique person who is very creative and talented. I hope that one day everyone will have a basic understanding of aspergers and I also hope that one day it is not even considered a syndrome.


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    • vishal.rossi profile image

      vishal.rossi 4 years ago from Helsinki, Finland

      Who says that you are insane if you are dating him. Don't care about them.

      To be honest, most of the people in this world suffer from Asperger's syndrome. Foe example, take me. I am also very bad in social interaction and itegration. I hate meeting people.

      I too have restricted and and repetitive interests and behavior. Apart from metal music, science, travelling, philosophy I can't withstand most of the things.

      So i guess that most people are of the same kind and can't tolerate a lot of things.

      But I like your story. The guy seems to be nice. He wants to buy a ring for you. I really hope that he gets a job soon and you two settle together. He reminds me of Tom hanks from Forrest Gump :)

      Take Care

    • profile image

      4 years ago

      Here's a tip in terms of him finding a good career, and not just a job - which is what it sounds like he'll have if he can even get a job eventually. He's smart, but socially different, and so you have to make those two things work for him.

      Consider having him go back to school for a career that takes a higher level of intelligence to get into. The medical field is good, imo, for aspie people. They can get into a profession that demands a high level of mastery, is protective of its people due to the high level of mastery required, and even has political sympathy for 'different' individuals. I think aspies often have a special talent for communicating with kids, although many handle adult socializing (short term) just fine.

      Top recommendations:

      Teaching either kindagarten or in primary grades where male teachers are rare and therefore, ostensibly, more valuable in the job market.

      Occupational therapy

      Speech Pathology

      Nursing with an eye on becoming a nurse practitioner.

      If he is valuable to you, and you are committed, you will have to put up with the time that he is in school but during which he doesn't yet qualify for a job. Depending on the chosen profession and his current level of education, this can take many years. Make sure that you research all considered options very thoroughly.

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      Sara 4 years ago

      I think that is simply wonderful that you go with your own feeling and don't care about what even your family thinks. You know you love him and that's all that matters. Sounds like what you two have is something special as you help/understand one another. That's what relationships need.. acceptance and understanding.

    • profile image

      Lubleu 4 years ago

      Think I know how this story ends.

      He eventually finds a job, but it's away from home. The Aspergers gets worse in the foreign city, but he's obsessed with his work to help cope. He loses everything. He returns home. He misses her everyday and that hurts. He learns that he is more capable. He understands how Aspergers affects him, so he can feel comfortable about living.

    • profile image

      Lovenwait 4 years ago

      Hi there!

      Thank you for sharing your experience. I understand what's like to be in a relationship with an Aspie. When I first met my boyfriend, he was content with a minimum wage job. He never went to college nor have the desire to go to one. He is smart and I did not understand why on earth he was happy with his situation. I was frustrated and yet I could not let him go because he has that unbelievable kindness that I rarely find in my guys his age. One day he said, " I don't think anyone would love me, so why bother with a higher education or higher paying job." He felt unsecured bc he was different. He had virtually no friend. He was bullied in school when he was younger. He has a loving family but was lonely.

      He is now in college and studying to be an interpreter for the deaf. In fact, he enjoys school. He said that all he needed was assurance that I will be there for him.

      I am so glad you chose to look beyond what his circumstance and to love him for who he is. He will love you with all of his heart because When an Aspie loves, he loves deeply. Dating an Aspie means to look beyond the norm and just look at who our partner is.

      Once again, thanks for sharing. I wish you both a happy life together. Yes..like your bf, my bf is working hard to get that engagement ring with his minimum wage job ;)

    • profile image

      Joe 3 years ago

      That was beautiful. Thanks for sharing!

      I hope I can meat someone like that one day, someone willing to look past what others see, and see me for who I am.

      Best of luck to you both.

      Peace

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      Lean 3 years ago

      hola

    • profile image

      Lean 3 years ago

      ok, I can make a comment haha.

      Hi, I am Lean, and I'm an aspie.

      So, where you say:

      "However when I asked him if he would be said if I died in a car accident ..."

      Why would you ask something like that? Aspies don't understand very well how they are feeling right now, so how can they know how they would feel in a future event?. He just can't imagine it, so the answer he gave you is what he would "do", not what he would feel, he gave you an aswer based on pure logic. It does not mean he loves you in a weird way, he just can't predict a feeling.

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      MeToo 2 years ago

      Thank you so much for this article. I too am dating a man with Aspergers...I love him with all my heart but my family thinks I am crazy. They do not understand him the way I do. It is so encouraging to know there are others out there :) My man is an engineer, and a very good one too! Good luck with the job hunting!

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