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My need for transition
Male to Female transition
As a young child I was very shy and did not open up to my family or to the people around me. I felt that I was going through something that I could not truly understand but I felt it was something that defined me. I can not explain what drew me to this but I can tell you that it happened naturally and it was a consistent part of my life. It all started when I was 5 years old and I had this urge to dress in my younger sister's clothes. I enjoyed wearing the softer and prettier clothing and I felt it was perfectly ok for me. Deep down I recognized that I had a persistent need to do this and when I did wear girls clothes I was so much more happier. There were times I would wear them to sleep in my bed with only me knowing it. I was good at hiding it and at knowing when I could dress. I started to appreciate dress up time and when I wore a pretty dress and stood in front of the mirror I had the biggest smile on my face. I was about 9 years old when I started wearing dresses. I was fortunate enough to be small enough to fit my younger sister's dress size. I remember crying myself to sleep when I was unable to dress and I felt like something was not right. I always felt inside I was a girl but I knew I was born different because on the outside I was a boy. It was a battle I fought all throughout my life and I am not sure why I had been dealt this dilemma. I cried many times over my situation but I tried to just accept it and do whatever I could to bring out the girl who resided within me. It was very easy for me to find a way to dress because I knew it was a matter of survival for me but then again it was the biggest secret in my life and what a big secret it has been. To this day it is the biggest secret I had to keep to myself. I could not even think twice about opening up and telling someone. At times I just wanted to go out and dress as I felt I should but it was not to be. I did not feel safe or comfortable presenting myself as a girl outside of the house. Yes I certainly wanted to go out and dress as a girl every day and wear pretty things but i knew I was not supposed to do this.
I have felt all my life I have had this hugh burden weighing on me and sometimes I wonder why it had to be me. Why for most this is not an issue but for me it is something I face everyday from when I awake in the morning to when I go to sleep at night. Why do I enjoy shopping in the women's department? Why do I love dresses so much? Why am I so very feminine in my perceptions of myself? Why do I still love to look at myself in the mirror with a dress on and why do I have this overwhelming need to wear dresses and women's clothing? Why did I suppress it so much and deny this part of myself? Why after all these years am I still dealing with this a seemingly innocent act of trying on one item of my sister's clothing that has become a main focus in my life. Why do I feel I am a woman? I wish I had the answers. All I know is that I have feelings that are more common to girls. I feel I am a teenage girl looking forward to blossoming and enjoying becoming a young woman. These are strange words to hear from a middle aged male who is a husband and a father and has a life with responsibility and great pressure.
I am not looking to escape. In fact I want to keep my family intact and still maintain my responsibility and still provide the love I have in my heart for both my wife and son. I have such tremendous feelings of guilt and I just don't know what to do but I know if I don't consider addressing these feelings and staying true to the course of transitioning I most certainly will die. I can not keep denying myself this wonderful gift of femininity. I need help and support and encouragement. I went for way too long hiding this and denying it and now I feel the floodgates have opened and it is my time. It is what I have always wanted in my life. The opportunity to express the true me. If I can't do this then I will most certainly give up my hope of ever finding happiness and understanding who I am. I don't blame anyone for these feelings and in fact I have found that I am a very understanding person and if I am fortunate enough to transition and still keep my family intact and still have a job to go to with the support and encouragement of my employer and co-workers and realize what i have known all along that i am a woman then my life has real meaning and that i am truly a survivor. I don't want to wind up a statistic and lose everything. I have worked so hard and to have this life and know I am not presenting who I truly am as a person is the biggest tragedy in my life. I am trapped in a way that not many could ever understand. I understand because I live it and know it firsthand. I feel that my blossoming into a woman would be my most happiest moment which would rank up there just like my wedding day and the birth of our son.
I am so happy to have my wife and son in my life and still encourage them to stay with me even if I do eventually transition to becoming a woman. I don't know what the future will hold but i do know that I will never escape these feelings and I am now facing the most daunting challenge I could ever imagine. I do also realize that if I take the bold action to transition that I am only doing what I am supposed to. The little girl's voice inside of me has been there all along and she is only telling me what I already know which is that my life will be more enhanced with the realization that I need to stay true to who I am and that I should never feel ashamed of it. I need help to get me through this and I only hope I can find the help I need and the support system so I can be that girl I always knew I was.
Edward D. Iannielli III
Male to Female Transition
- Male-to-female transition goals
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