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Newly Wed

Updated on June 12, 2020

You wouldn't expect it to be different, right? Dating someone versus being married to them.

Well, that's how I thought at first. But then about a week before it happened, I was bombarded with endless questions and realisations that I'll admit were rather overwhelming. I imagine that's what people call having "cold feet".


I thought about whether I'd be wasting his time - because: What if I don't do well enough?


I'm not just his best friend anymore. I'm not just someone to hold hands with and kiss and have lunches and dinners with. Now I'm someone that is supposed to be the support structure for everything that is and what's yet to come.


I have to think about the little things as well as the big things. Yes, it can be daunting. But I have never felt more important in my life.


Can you imagine being such a crucial part of someone's life that they, very literally, share everything with you. I mean, of course it's strange but more wonderful than not. Knowing something as private as when there's a change in their bowel movements (haha) or something as important as them being worried about finances or even things as epic as their deepest desires and ambitions.


But then again, could you imagine not being this close and important to the person you've chosen to spend the rest of your life with?


I can't.


We made vows to each other - not because that's what you're supposed to do but because that's what we truly wanted to do.
Promising to celebrate their wins with them but also mourn their losses with them is not something we are ready to do for just anyone. But there's a commitment you make for marriage and it's anything but easy.


I only ever had to worry about myself and, heaven knows, that was both demanding and ridiculously frightening. But now I'm worried about him as well.


What if I don't cook well enough for him? What if his family tells him that he could have done better? What if he gets bored of me? What if I don't give good enough advice when he asks for my opinion? What if I'm just not cutting it as a wife?


But that was a week before marriage. And I was terrified.


Now it's a week after marriage. And guess what - I am still terrified.


The only difference now is that there's no turning back. And honestly, I wouldn't even want to. I can't imagine a life where I'm not with him. Now, despite still having all my fears, I am determined to never stop trying to be a good wife or rather, the best wife I can possibly be.


One by one, all my worries will be eradicated by the validation I shall receive from tiny reactions I get from my husband. Things like the sound and face he makes as he takes the first bite of the food I made him or from him telling me that his mother has never been as eager as she is to talk to me.


It's about little steps and little wins.
Worrying never solves your problems, it just gives you another one.


I can openly admit that as a (very) newly wed, I'm far from a professional at this but I know for a fact that I'm more than capable of getting it right. Everyone is. We just need to want to get it right and then put in the effort.

My husband fights endlessly for me - keeping me happy and safe always. Why on earth wouldn't I want to do the same in return?


It's far from over - and I'm so glad it is.

We're a team.
We're a team.

Teamwork.

Remember it's probably the exact same for him.

I can't imagine the man who worries about me getting upset over which way he makes the toilet paper face in the holder wouldn't be at least a little stressed about whether he's doing well as a husband. (But he certainly is.)

It's a two way street - you're BOTH finding your feet. Help each other. Never stop communicating.

Remember: Easy options are almost never the best options.

Media is not a guide.

Avoid using relationships from movies, TV shows or social media as a reference for how yours should be. The relationships we see through a screen are often very unrealistic. Apart from that, all relationships are different - simply because all people are different.

Embrace the fact that the relationship you have with your partner is unique.

The only solid frame of reference you have is actually them - the person you're waking up next to from now until the end.

Misconceptions:

1. There is no such thing as The Honeymoon Phase.

The Honeymoon Phase was made up by people that have grown lazy in the relationship or have changed how they handle the relationship.

Stating that the glittery, passionate moments fade away into a tedious (but still somewhat meaningful) partnership is both untrue and unacceptable.

The passion and so-called-spark stay as long as you decide it does.

Relationships aren't like Netflix accounts where there's a wonderful free trial and then you have to grumpily make payments thereon out.

It's more about your approach.

Don't suddenly stop doing the sweet things you used to do for/with your partner.


2. It's not an ultimatum.

There seems to always be the my-family-or-your-family issue with married couples.

"Why do we visit your parents all the time but we barely see mine?"

You can't expect to have a good relationship with your in-laws if you only see them once in a blue moon. Keep in mind that your partner's family are a big part of their lives just like yours is to you.

Try to find a middle-ground so that both parties are satisfied but you still have more than enough time with just the two of you alone.


3. Gender-roles aren't set in stone.

You don't have to be just a housewife and him the breadwinner, and vice versa.

Between the two of you, let circumstances lead you where they may.

If you need to be the breadwinner while he finishes his masters degree and then swap places once he's done, then that's what you'll do.

Don't let the status-quo intimidate you.

REMEMBER:

All things worth having take hard work.

Basic guidelines:

DOs
DON'Ts
communicate
give them the silent treatment
disagree respectfully
keep your mouth shut when something doesn't sit well with you
surprise them - keep things exciting
get stuck in a boring daily routine with your partner

Slowly but surely, you'll discover your own dos and don'ts with your partner. Be involved.

Quality time together is so healthy.
Quality time together is so healthy.

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