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Objectism : Love or Lurve (Part 3)

Updated on April 24, 2014

Gayle Rubin explaining objectism and sexual hierarchy

Gayle Rubin's chart in her Essay 'Thinking Sex'
Gayle Rubin's chart in her Essay 'Thinking Sex'

Love is a physical feeling but people need context to recognize it.

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Now…..If we make a commitment not to use others as objects, how can we guarantee sexual arousal then? Habits of sexual arousal are so ingrained that it takes time to find new paths in the mind/ helps us to remind ourselves of the connection with care. It may mean a time of reassessing our sexual relationships to find out exactly what quality of relationship we do want in your life. whether in a long term context or a one-night stand, the principle of connection means we have to consider whether this is chosen and fun or compulsive and dependent.

Objectism in the form of up/down status of sexual status is very visible in the society. Heterosexual is higher than homosexual in culture at large. The young and beautiful occupy higher rungs than the older brigade. Orgasm is higher than no-orgasm. Longer duration of intercourse is kept over shorter one, so on and so forth. The ingrained habit of dualism like men need sex and women need love or say men are polygamous and women are naturally monogamous provides another clue of a view replete with objectism.

Every time we isolate the mega tits or nice arse or huge biceps or six pack abs , we fragment the whole body/person into its parts. We regard our own bodies as objects too. Sexual activity then becomes split off from a context of care. Let alone love. By choice and by mutual consent, sexual activity is experienced in isolation from our emotional needs for safety trust and affection. When we develop a taste for any kind of perpendicular power, we get greedy. We get addicted to the quest for more and more, bigger and better .

In an interview about the pornography industry in California, one successful porn star described how his sexual tastes kept pushing the barriers. He candidly acknowledged that having run the gamut of sadistic practices with women and pushing his young actors and actresses even further and further he found that he could only get a real high now by strangling a young woman at the same time f*****g her. He went on to describe the thrill of feeling his hands around her neck and the power of knowing that he could actually stop her breathing. Such power. So chillingly frightening ! This applies equally to the acquisition of materialistic possessions and status symbols as it applies to intensification of bodily experiences. A one-sided and totally pathetic outlook persuades psycho analysts to maintain that sexual attraction is simply not possible without making the desired other into an object.

So in such a scenario of everyday experience , Love often tends to become lurve , that lurve which is in romantic popular songs of past and present, of stories of mills and boon, and that of 'fifty shades of grey' ; the lurve promoted by commercial interests in wedding dresses, valentine cards, diamond rings , chocolates, flowers and so on. Much of the time romantic love is based on a felt or unaware need for 'the other half' or a completion of the self. We are all susceptible to this, each and everyone of us: few of us might escape the persuasion that being part of a couple will present a proper image to the outside world, and the rest few of us avoid loneliness.

And Love gets caught up in competition and comparison. If at all we are lucky enough to encounter lurve, we would eventually start comparing and competing with an invisible ideal: Then arise certain inevitable questions which make things go from bad to worse. why isn't it more sexual? Isn't it time he made a commitment? Why hasn’t he proposed yet? Why cant she be more caring? Why doesn’t she keep me updated and informed? Love starts looking insufficient, it then comes in the category of "not what I want or when I want". It's easy to be critical when we've been led to believe that one of the highest prizes of this whole system is meeting the right man or woman in this lifetime.(Well nothing has distorted the reality in the minds of people more than romantic love songs and porn movies in this world for that matter ) To meet the perfect one who is wanting to fulfill our dreams.

Of course there are partnerships that are vital, as well as flourishing and growing but there are far many that are not. And the partners who flourish with each other know that this is less to do with the blessing of cupid's arrow and kamdev's grace than a constant and good amount of hard work together, needing equally , closeness and separateness, intimacy and boundaries, respect ,care and not to mention that crucial part of communication which is the backbone of any strong relationship. The day the backbone is snapped, so would the relationship..

To read the first and second part of the series, go to the following links :


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