On being different and coming to understand
My Transgender ways
Learning to understand and accept
I often wonder what led me on the path I now walk in my life as i now know it. It has not been a model of consistency like most experience. I truly have contemplated my situation many times and still I have no real solid answers but I know in my heart that I have come quite a long way and I must say that it feels good to be open, honest and forthright. the truth of the matter is that in my earlier years I was unable to address what was happening with me. I just masked it and pretended to be someone i clearly wasn't. I was in pain for so many years. It is a pain not many people can relate to or understand but for me it is a pain I faced every day of my life and it was something I could never escape.
I sometimes wish I had never succumbed to these feelings I had. I was just an innocent 4 year old little boy and I had no idea what I was in for. I was just doing something I felt was a very real need and it went a long way in helping shape my identity and my feelings of being different. As I think back to those early years I remember a lot of painful moments, a lot of tears and a great deal of feeling isolated and afraid. Although I loved dressing up as a girl I felt all alone and very sad. I cried because I could not express how I truly felt inside. It was a constant battle for me and at times I thought I just wanted to curl up and die. I had no desire to live in such pain and I secretly wanted to just go away and not have to face these feelings I struggled with at such an early age.
I could not tell anyone what was going on with me and living in such pain was at times extremely difficult. I sometimes wonder how I managed to get through it. I could never find my peace because I had to keep it my biggest secret. It was all consuming and it was kept within for quite some time. I never had the comfort level to express this side of me and so for many years I lived in the closet secretly dressing as a girl and fancying girl's and women's clothes. I just adored wearing pretty outfits and I felt perfectly natural dressing up and being a girl. It helped me cope with my life although I could not share this part of me with family or friends and as I think about it I feel very sad that I had to keep it a big secret. To me I was just being honest with my inner feelings and how i felt. I did not seek help and I was very ashamed in my youth. I did not feel comfortable and I had no one to talk to. I was on my own and I remember crying many tears because I could not find a friend to talk to or confide in and because I felt so different from all those i met in my life. As I think about this time I feel I would have been much more accepting if i had some one who understood and accepted me. I never found this opportunity though so I struggled and at times wanted to take my life. I remember trying to over do it with sleeping pills. I really wanted to end my pain and it was a very real struggle for me. I felt so lost and no one could ever know what i was going through because I was so good at hiding it. That is how I managed to go to college, study engineering and bury myself in the books. this was my escape and it is what helped save my life. Although I wanted to transition during my college years I knew it was not the appropriate time because i had all I could in just getting through a very rigorous course of study. My transgender status was kept under wraps and my way to address my feelings was to dress up and savor the times I could be a girl which I did alone and when I needed a pick me up. This was my way of getting through difficult times.
As I have grown and experienced my life I have learned a great deal about being transgender and I have come to understand and accept my uniqueness. I am an individual with special needs and i feel whole as a woman. I am much more happier knowing I am accepted by family and friends. I never felt happier aside from the birth of my son and my wedding day. My transition towards womanhood certainly ranks high and I feel much more at ease dressing and expressing my femininity and female gender. I have found the courage to express my true inner being and I will never feel ashamed of my feminine ways. I am who I am and i will never change. I will live my life as Emily and that is how it should be.
I will cherish my family and I will cherish my special and unique situation because I am no longer afraid or ashamed. I have just as much a right to be a girl as any young woman and this will always be true. May we all find our inner peace and our way in life so we can be strong and so we can teach our children to love, respect and be true to themselves. If we can't be how can we expect our children to be.
I have come a long way and I am glad to be on this journey of self discovery of being transgender and being me, May we all find our way and our happiness.
Emily expressing herself
Transgender, Autism and Me!
My Personal Blog
- A Father's Love, My Son and Autism
My personal blog about raising my son who is autistic and my life being transgender.