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Online Dating Losers

Updated on October 29, 2010

Online dating can't be successful

Although finding love online is more popular, it still carries a bit of a stigma.
Although finding love online is more popular, it still carries a bit of a stigma.

Don't Be Desperate

 I have always been a pretty quiet guy.  Nothing is really all that wrong with me.  I am a nice person and not unattractive.  I may not be the first one noticed when entering a crowded room, but I certainly haven't ever been called Shrek in my lifetime.  What is really wrong with me?  Why can't I seem to get a second date?

Now, I wasn't close to being Andy from the 40-year-old virgin, but I was later in my group of friends to find a quality relationship.  Being from a rural area, people tend to get married at a younger age.  I was in my mid 20s and woefully lonely.  I had a great group of friends and a wonderful family, but every night I went home to my small apartment alone.

Even in college, I never had an interest in being a player.  Perhaps that was some of my problem.  Being the nice guy often had me banished to the friend zone for life, and these were by girls who'd once had a crush on me.  A crush I never had taken advantage of because apparently I was a bit of a meathead in my younger days and couldn't decipher obvious signals.  So many of my dating woes were of my own doing.  Some were not.  Let's face it, some people are just flakes.

What could I be doing so wrong?  I was well groomed and a complete gentlemen.  I held doors, I paid for meals, and I followed proper dating protocol.  You know...the rule that says you should call the following day to say what a great time you had.  I even sent flowers prior to a second date if i got so lucky to get one.  Now, I am not a complete social moron.  Not all of these issues were not of my doing.  I moved a little slow and am a bit reserved.  I thought the second date was still an opportunity to get to know someone better despite no signs of sparks on the first date.  Maybe that is what many of my dates wanted to see.  Sparks and passion don't exactly radiate from me, so I thought time would tell.

I was definitely too old to be loitering around the high school cruising for chicks, and I was pushing it in regards to the college girls in the community.  Not that I was too old for the college girls, but it was a junior college and they'd be gone after a couple years.  I wanted a serious relationship anyway, and that wasn't something a lot of them wanted at the time.

What was a guy like me to do?  Most of my friends, at the time, were a little older then me and had families.  They tried to set me up if they met someone, but it appeared their only requirement for her was to be single.  Although being single is a good start, it often shouldn't be the only requirement for a matchmaker.

As Holiday time approached, I was feeling a little extra lonely then usual.   I came home from a family gathering as the only unmarried family member to a quiet, dark apartment.  Curious to what was out there, I decided to check out an online personal site.  Now, seven or eight years there still was a bit of a stigma about finding love on a site like this even though perfectly normal people pursued it.  I wasn't sure I wanted to be associated with finding love online.  I certainly didn't want to fill out a profile for myself, but I decided to browse the profiles on the eligible women who fit my requirements.

Strike one!  My community didn't have anyone who blew my skirt up that also fit my requests.  I decided to expand my search.  Strike two!  Although expanding did help to some degree, I only saw a couple that I thought I might have a little interest in.  I expanded my search again to the furthest distance away that i was willing to deal with.  Bingo!  I saw this beautiful smiling face looking at me.  I found myself attracted to her.  That was a very good start.  I clicked to read the profile.  I think I am in love.  She seemed perfect for me on paper and was physically attractive.  There should be no other hurdles, right?

Wrong!  I am a tightwad.  I wondered why I should spend the money for a membership to write to someone who may or may not even respond.  i paced around my apartment wondering if I should take this leap of faith.  I decided to do it for one month.  What's twenty bucks, right?  Besides, even though I had my number one choice, there were a couple others that didn't make me run for the hills.  I figured I could get my money's worth and write to a few.

A few days in, I get an email that says I got a response to one of my messages.  I was hoping, she was my first choice.  To my dismay, she wasn't.  I decided to give her a chance and email for a while.  She seemed like a very nice person, but she wasn't who I was looking for.

I checked my email day after day hoping for a message, but continued to be disappointed with the lack of response.  A month in, and I haven't even had one date.  I forgot about this person I messaged and went about my daily routine.  Then it happened!  When I was least expecting it, I got a notification that i had received a message.  Now, I sent out about four messages, so I expected her to be anyone but my first choice.  I slowly clicked in to my messages and saw the face I had been hoping for, and she said she wanted to get to know me too.

I hadn't sent a picture with my message, so she really answered blindly to my message.  We emailed for a week or so before I got brave enough to send her a picture of me.  This was before social network sites, so I had to use the good ol' US Postal Service.  I spent hours sifting through pictures hoping to find one decent one to send.  I looked like a dork in this picture.  I had a double chin in that picture.  I looked a little pleasantly plump in this picture.  Finally, I found one that I thought might give me a chance.

Two days through the mail seemed to last a lifetime.  Finally, a response!  I was so nervous.  Appearances can be a deal breaker.  I was just hoping that what she had of my total package was enough.  Our relationship grew very slowly.  We emailed for a long while before deciding to take it to the next level and talk on the phone.  We talked on the phone a long while before we decided to meet in person.  However, I considered her my girlfriend prior to the meeting in person.  How low is that?

Well, it wasn't too low because we just were interested in getting to know each other and no one else.  That's not crazy, right?  Well, we did finally meet in person.  Guess what was present? Sparks!  After that experience, I totally understood why the second dates I wasn't getting were necessary.  Its not crazy to hope for a spark.

So, now I had a girlfriend.  I had had girlfriends before, but this was an actual adult relationship.  I could call her and not have her dad answer the phone.  However, I still was a little embarrassed in the manner in which we had met.  I thought about saying that we met through a mutual friend, with the personal site being the mutual friend.  That would work.  I am not a liar, and that wouldn't totally be a lie, right?

As time went on, I could care less.  She was beautiful and totally normal.  Who cares how we met.  When you are with the right person, you can become more comfortable in your own skin.  I became a more confident person.  I was a much happier person too.  You can be confident and happy outside of a relationship, but I was very lucky to be with a person that made me a much better man.

With my newfound confidence, I could proudly say that I was an online dating loser.  Now, I am a very big advocate for these sites.  The Internet is an outlet for someone to more confidently show his or her true colors for better or for worse. 

It also eliminates the game.  You know why someone is on an online dating site, and they know why you are on as well.  Rejection doesn't taste as sour or hurt quite so bad, and you aren't likely going to continue talking to someone who is just looking to banish you to the friend zone.  It could still happen though.

As an online dating loser, I am now married to another online dating loser.  We have even procreated, and will not be ashamed if they search the interwebs for love as long as it is done right.  Hopefully, they will have the maturity their Mother and I had about it if they try in twenty-five...I mean thirty years. :)


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