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Online Dating - When it Doesn't Work Out

Updated on September 19, 2008

I published this HUB: Online Dating Tips: how to Tell if He's For Real . The HUB is about dating online, and setting up that first meeting with your web-friend.

Billy says:

"I liked this article too. I have a question too. I have been dating on gay.com for a few months. I met this one guy who really liked me but I did not feel the same way he did when we finally met. I think he is nice but I am not interested in dating him. I did what you said not to do. I got too close before we met. We chatted on messenger every night for months. He feels like he has told me very personal stuff and that we are so close. You were right too in that he is not really what he said he was. Nothing bad but enough that if I met him faster I would have stopped this faster and now it is too late he is too into me.

My question is what do I do now? How do I tell this guy I don't want to see him anymore?"

Billy,

I hope your playing safe and having fun on www.gay.com. Thanks for helping to prove some of my points with your examples.

Now about that one guy that is too into you...

Tell him straight out (no pun intended) that you aren't interested. A little pain now is better than letting this drag on any further. Ignoring him after you've chatted online every night for so long, is cruel. It's not an option to be a coward. You have to tell him this isn't going anywhere.

This is a good lesson for you going forward regarding online dating and putting off that first meeting.

Rejection is hard, from either side. It becomes harder the more you have invested. The closer you feel to someone, the harder it hurts to learn they aren't interested in you.

Billy, there's always certain protocol to ending things with someone. I'm all for doing it face to face. But your situation brings up a good point.

If the relationship has basically been an online relationship, can you end it online or do you have to do a face to face?

I think this depends on how many times you two have met in real life. If it was only once, I think you're ok o break it off online. No matter what protocol may be appropriate, never put yourself in a position where you feel you're in danger. If for any reason you just feel wary of meeting with him again in person, trust your instincts. Better safe than sorry.

I am very much a proponent of honesty in relationships. I always recommend in my HUBS that you be as honest as you can be with your partners. This is the one place where I defer.

When your goal is to move forward with your partner, honesty needs to be present in all things. When your goal is not to move forward with a partner, I think you have some leeway.

I see no great reason to tell someone you find them unattractive, weird, not intelligent enough, geeky, boring... I realize these things may be true but I don't see a real need to tell the person and hurt his feelings.

Billy, you could try just telling this guy that you didn't feel a romantic attraction for him once you met. You could just tell him you don't feel the same way he does and that you aren't interested in pursuing the relationship. Be clear. Don't leave room for misinterpretation or false hope if there isn't any. Be blunt if you have to.

I don't see it necessary to try to describe the intangible. I don't think it's important that you detail every little thing you didn't like or speak anything specific. I believe you can be general about your non-interest as long as you're clear.

Another alternative is saying you are getting back together with your ex.

A lot of people view this as a cop-out break-up excuse. Maybe it is. It's not my first recommendation. However, I think it's kinder than calling someone ugly or boring. And it's definitely kinder than misleading someone into thinking you may be interested when you aren't. If you can't seem to extricate yourself from the situation and need an "excuse", I think by saying you have an ex that is back in the picture, you're being clear that you aren't interested in pursuing a relationship with this person without hurting his feelings any worse.

Good luck with this. Keep us posted.

If you like this HUB please click the “Thumbs-Up” below just before the comments.

Thanks!

All text is original content by Veronica.

All photos are used with permission.

All videos are used courtesy of Youtube.

Comments

Submit a Comment

  • profile image

    kyanna 

    8 years ago

    i just wanna find real love.no secrets just love. im 19 i am a scorpio and wants a real man in my life.

  • Veronica profile imageAUTHOR

    Veronica 

    11 years ago from NY

    Excellent point Goodwitch.

    Be wary what you put out there. Only invite into your world what you actually want in your world.

    Thanks!

  • Goodwitch profile image

    Goodwitch 

    11 years ago

    I'd also like to add that you should avoid the "just friends" speil. Do you REALLY want to be friends with this person and have them a part of your life? More often than not, the answer is no. This also gives false hope to the other person that they still have a chance to win you over. If the initial purpose of meeting this person was for romantic / relationship reasons (hence an online dating service), being "just friends" only prolongs the inevitable and causes even more bad feelings.

  • Veronica profile imageAUTHOR

    Veronica 

    11 years ago from NY

    Thanks Greg. I agree.

  • profile image

    Greg 

    11 years ago

    I do not think that it is a cop out to say you are getting back together with your exgirlfriend. I agree that in a relationship you need honesty. But breaking up with someone or telling someone you were never even really involved with that you don't want to get involved, you are not in a relationship with that person. I have used that excuse trying not to hurt the girl. I have also had that excuse used on me and I read between the lines. It is better than saying it is not you it is me. That is the lamest thing.

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