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Outlandish Things Men Say When "It Happens to (All Guys)" Happens to Them

Updated on June 13, 2016
kenneth avery profile image

Kenneth has been a member of HubPages for five years. He is retired from a 23-year career in the weekly newspaper business.

Red Skelton as "Freddie, The Freeloader"
Red Skelton as "Freddie, The Freeloader" | Source

I am out on a limb

As you read my headline I am sure that you had two thoughts about me writing about this subject. You thought that I am pretty stupid or pretty bold. With a topic as sensitive as this one, there is absolutely no middle ground.

It's tough to choose each word and phrase with painstaking care for I know that someone, God forbid, will get their feelings hurt. But I mean no harm by publishing this piece. Actually, and those who know me well will know that I am only trying to lighten the atompshere about "that" certain problem many men will have in the bedroom when they are unable to have intimacy with their wives.

If your wife or girlfriend looks at you like this, well, you need to see a doctor
If your wife or girlfriend looks at you like this, well, you need to see a doctor | Source

Guys, do you have a buddy that "this problem" has happened to them?

See results

Whew

I am not a doctor. I am not a sexual therapist. Hey, I cannot even hum "Sexual Healing," by the late Marvin Gaye, but I do know that this problem is very, very relevant to all men who are reading this right now.

"It" happens. Maybe not to all guys, but to many. Every guy will admit that when "this" let-down, and lack-of-performance hits, it is like his world is ending. He feels worse than a millionaire did in the Great Stock Market Crash of 1929. Empty, weak, and more evident, he feels less than a man.

Add it all up and you get suffering guys who value intimate relations with their companions more than they do their jobs, cars, and hunting dogs.

When a man fails in bed, the next emotion is depression
When a man fails in bed, the next emotion is depression | Source
Close-up of a frightened man when he "cannot perform"
Close-up of a frightened man when he "cannot perform" | Source
A couple face the man's problem and talk it out
A couple face the man's problem and talk it out | Source
Concerned is one thing, but this guy is beating himself up when he could get help
Concerned is one thing, but this guy is beating himself up when he could get help | Source
If you fail often as a man, you need to make a doctor's appointment
If you fail often as a man, you need to make a doctor's appointment | Source
This man is visibly angry because he is is lacking in the "romance dept"
This man is visibly angry because he is is lacking in the "romance dept" | Source
The worst thing a guy can do when he fails his wife is be withdrawn. The couple need to face his problem together
The worst thing a guy can do when he fails his wife is be withdrawn. The couple need to face his problem together | Source

This is my hub title

Outlandish Things Men Say When "It Happens To (All Men)" Happens to Them

  • "Oh, honey. It was that awful football injury I received in college." Note: fact is, the husband never set one foot on a football field anywhere.
  • "That brisket we had for dinner was a tad too spicy." Note: just the night before he gorged himself with his buddies at "Peppy Pedro's Inferno Mexican Restaurant," to celebrate his buddy "Tom's" upcoming wedding.
  • "It was your sister's fault for laughing at me for dropping my drink." Note: at his birthday party last year he grew angry at his wife's sister for NOT laughing at him for acting like Milton Berle.
  • "Oh, dear. My mind was on a job-related project for a moment." Note: truth be told, his mind "did" wander about a job-related project: His demotion for not making is sales quota.
  • "Sorry, dear. I have a lot on my mind." Note: Sure he does. Like today for instance. He went into work at 9:30 a.m., played on his computer until lunch. He and "Bobby," the assistant manager took a two-hour lunch which included a visit to "Sparkles," a gentleman's club across town and got back to the office just in time to go home.
  • "I apologize, baby. I thought I heard the dog barking and thought it was an intruder." Note: there is no dog in this family but him at the present time.
  • "My old war injury was acting up." Note: War injury? He was turned down for not being physical able to be a part of the military.
  • "I don't know what happened. Suddenly I felt nauseated." Note: Probably the truth from eating a couple of bags of pretzels and downing a half-case of cold brew.
  • "Baby, it seemed like for a moment that I just blacked out." Note: (see above "Note").
  • "I feel just awful, sweetie. I am just exhausted." Note: Let's examine this excuse. It was Saturday. He did not work outside mowing grass or anything. He napped on the couch even while college football was on ESPN all day long. Then ate a dinner of fried chicken until he almost burst. Exhausted? I'd agree, but not from manual labor. Laziness.

Synopsis
These are just a few of the many outlandish excuses that some guys use to explain why they could not "perform" with their companions. Low testosterone or low vitamin content could be the truth. In some cases, the guy's age has a lot to do with this dysfunction. Seeing a doctor could be your salvation "if" you are one of these excuse makers.

Good night, Pekin, Illinois.

The guy in this video is very contrite

© 2016 Kenneth Avery

Comments

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    • kenneth avery profile imageAUTHOR

      Kenneth Avery 

      2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      Hi, shanmarie,

      Thank you sincerely for your nice and honest comment.

      I suppose that stupid men with too much pride (as I commented to MizBejabbers) would use such hilarious excuses and I do agree with you on honesty being the best policy.

      This works on some women. Not all. I had this good buddy who dated numerous girls and was honest with one of them and she almost broke his neck, but that is another hub.

      Happy Fourth to you and everyone in Texas.

    • kenneth avery profile imageAUTHOR

      Kenneth Avery 

      2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      Hello, Dearest MizBejabbers,

      Well, as for HP, I am so glad that they took me (some of the way) out from under their microscope, but this is a safe topic. And men with too much pride would and are using some of these excuses when things do not work like they used to. Wink.

      Happy Fourth, my Dearest.

      Kenneth

    • MizBejabbers profile image

      Doris James-MizBejabbers 

      2 years ago

      Wow, man, I'm surprised HP let you get away with this one. HP deleted a quote because I dared mention a certain, uh, star in it. I notice that they are letting hubs on more liberal subjects subjects go through. I think any woman can recognize crap from her mate. I hope nobody uses any of your excuses or he better build a bigger doghouse. Love, Miz B.

    • shanmarie profile image

      Shannon Henry 

      2 years ago from Texas

      A brave man you are indeed. But let me say. . .none of these excuses would fly with me. Because I can recognize crap for what it is. Honesty is always the way to go. Otherwise, he might get some outlandish replies to his excuses. LOL

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