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Overcoming Narcissistic Men

Updated on March 20, 2019
Amaxfield profile image

Alison Maxfield is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with ten yrs. experience. She loves to help people heal with her innovative approaches.

Overcoming Narcissistic Men


I am a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with a Ph.D. in dating Narcissistic men. Just kidding, you can't get a Ph.D. in that, but I've got enough experience to get some Emeritus status somewhere. Lol! Maybe, the School of Hard Knocks. Anyway, I decided to write an article about Narcissus, the original mythological Narcissist, and how to overcome Narcissistic men to find real love. I know how much loving a man like this sucks, so I hope this article helps you out.

The concept of Narcissism is loosely based on the Myth of Narcissus, a man so in love with himself that he could not love another. Narcissus was a hunter. They never said what he hunted, but I’m pretty sure it was vagina and lots of it. He wowed the maidens and then abused them to make them leave him. No matter how impressive, incredible, fantastic, gorgeous and brilliant the maidens were, his plan was always the same: F them, then F them.

When Narcissus refused to pay attention after the fling was flung, the Maidens killed themselves to prove their love was real. But, how well did these maidens even know Narcissus? Were the maidens really in love with Narcissus or the idea of who he could be? Did they really want Narcissus or to be the most wanted?

The man I dated before the amazing man I am with now was Narcissistic. His super sexy dating profile talked of money, cars, homes, and looking for his princess to pamper and treat like gold. All he wanted to do was to find "The One." But when we connected at 12 am on a Tuesday night the story changed to, “When are you coming over to give me a BJ?”. I feel in love with the profile, not the man. He refused to meet me for more than coffee, and he told me all women were alike, and none were special, and all they wanted were dinners.

I decided to make it my mission to be the one to prove him wrong. After all, I'm a Masters Level Therapist with a good career, and I specialize in saying the right things to help people to heal themselves. If anyone could fix a broken, twisted man, it was me. I would prove my worth to win the prize. I offered him homemade soup. I offered to get him medication when he was ill. I made it clear I was smart and going places. I offered to help him fix his home.

All he wanted was sexual favors, and he sent me five dirty texts a day, then one or two- get to know me texts- when I chastised him. I loved the push-pull drama. I wanted the fairy tale life and a Prince with a plane to save me, even if I had to play games to get him interested.

He relished how annoyed I would get by him talking sexually which made him more turned on because he wanted to dominate me into submission. Finally, I asked, "Where did the guy in the profile go?" His reply: "My friend wrote it." Some friend!!! Wait, could I meet that friend instead, or was he the same way too?

Unfortunately, I ended up the loser. I lost self-respect. I slept with him. It was the emptiest moment of sex I had ever experienced in my life. I lost dignity and what mattered most in life, being my own best friend. However, I learned I was shallow, codependent, and emotionally unavailable for healthy love because I didn't love myself.

When a man has a way of operating with women, no woman, regardless of her worth, or looks, or, winning personality can make him change. I could have chosen to pursue anyone; I had free will. I picked him. I wanted a man who treated me poorly, because I believed in the fairy tale I created-that he could change.

I realized I couldn't heal anyone who doesn't want to be treated, especially if they don't think they have a problem. I realized I wanted him because I distrusted men. From the male roles models of my childhood, love was coupled with distrust and insecure support. Unfortunately, as an adult unaware of my pattern, I sought partners that perpetuated my childhood education. My idea of normal love was actually dysfunctional love. What I thought were the butterflies of love, was an addiction to the anxiety and pain I thought I deserved. I realized that by saying yes, when I wanted to say no I was violating my own boundaries of how I wanted to be treated. I injured my self-esteem. He didn't do it to me, I did it to myself. I learned I was a codependent person and I've been in treatment through Codependents Anonymous and private therapy ever since.

When you’re with the right guy, it’s easy. You don’t have to prove your worth. They know it, and they make you feel at ease and special, no matter who you are in the moment. I learned when I feel overwhelmingly anxious with a man to listen to my feelings and run and when I feel at ease with a man to relax into the safety of those arms.

Maya Angelou put it best, "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." So, don't believe the charming person who loved and bedded you and go into denial about the rest. Believe the whole picture and understand that if you stay, you'll get more of the same. Narcissistic men will only love you when they want something from you. Plus, if you have to change someone to love you, do you love them or even like them? Don't' confuse love with lust. Love is unconditional; whereas, lust is conditional.

Trying to form a loving relationship with a hot man that you feel you need to alter and control is not love at all. It's lust masquerading as love. Love is when the head, heart and the VJ all say yes to the man. Lust is when the VJ says yes, but the head is confused, and both your hearts are cold towards each other because neither is emotionally available. A good man brings tears of joy; a lousy man tears of pain.

So, here's the takeaway. If you blame the Narcissistic man for your mistake, that makes you the victim. Victim mentality achieves nothing but anger and poor physical health. And if you blame yourself, you'll stop trusting your judgment. Blaming yourself achieves self-pity and depression. So the best thing to do is to identify the issues behind choosing a Narcissistic man so you can heal and level up to date better men.

The man in my life now is gently and caring and really on my side. He's great in bed. It's not lust; it's actually the triple loop-de-loop of love. He restored my trust in Men.

So, remember, when someone shows you who they are, save yourself the trip to hell and believe them the first time. And if you do decide to take the trip to hell, you can get yourself back by working on the issues that led you to the dark side of love. History will repeat, unless you take responsibility. Be your own best friend. Find yourself again. You're worth it!!!

© 2019 Amaxfield

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    • profile image

      Alison Maxfield. 

      12 months ago

      Thanks Dashingscorpio. I appreciate your kind words and support. I liked your analysis and deep point of view.

    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 

      12 months ago from Chicago

      Please forgive the typos. I ran out of editing time! :)

      When we change our circumstances change.

      "Never love anyone who treats you like you're ordinary."

      - Oscar Wilde

    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 

      12 months ago from Chicago

      Excellent article!!!

      This is by far the best article I have ever read about this topic.

      Most writers who write about narcissists spend the bulk of their time trying analyze them or they list "the signs" to identify narcissists.

      We're all familiar with the adage "Nice guys finish last." However no one has ever heard of: "the lonely player, narcissist, jerk/a-hole, gangster/thug, or Alpha male."

      Is that coincidence? No way!

      Each of us (chooses) our own friends, lovers, and spouse.

      Each of us has our mate selection process/must haves list

      Each of us has our own boundaries and "deal breakers".

      However most people refuse to acknowledge their part in a failed relationship especially if the other person is a narcissist.

      I applaud you for making the following statements:

      “If anyone could fix a broken, twisted man, it was me. I would prove my worth to win the prize”

      I loved the push-pull drama.”

      “I learned I was shallow, codependent, and emotionally unavailable for healthy love”

      I could have chosen to pursue anyone; I had free will. I picked him. I wanted a man who treated me poorly, because I believed in the fairy tale I created-that he could change."

      “When you’re with the right guy, it’s easy. You don’t have to prove your worth.”

      If you blame the Narcissistic man for your mistake, that makes you the victim.”

      “..the best thing to do is to identify the issues behind {choosing} a Narcissistic man so you can heal and level up to date better men.”

      Some women love "bad boys" and always will no matter what.

      You could stick such a woman in a room with five guys and have four of them drop to their knees extending their heart towards her while the '5th guy" sits in a corner sipping on a cocktail acting as if she does not exist.

      That will be {the guy} she wants to get to know!!!

      He's a "challenge", a "mystery" and if she knows other women want him she has to "prove to herself" that she can "win" him over. Love that comes (easily) is not valued by these women.

      Another aspect being (choosing) a narcissist is they hope by being associated with someone in the "limelight" will validate their worth. If he/her is "hot looking" or admired and they (choose me) then I too must be "special". That's the mentality of those drawn to narcissists until they get tired of the heartache and betrayal.

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