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In search for personal power after break up

Updated on November 2, 2016

In search for personal power after break up

Not getting what you want, missing the object of your desire, although you know there is no coming back, can be quite a miserable situation you are in.

The amount of energy you give to lost relationship, could be directed onto something you always wanted to do before you even thought about being with someone. So what was this thing you always dreamed of? What was charming you to the degree you were forgetting about time passing by?

If you know, then that will be easy. If not, then how to get there?


Temporarily substituting one "obsession" with another may help. Make sure though it is not another person or alcohol, eventually drugs.

Take time to figure out and follow baby steps like going out to the cinema, seeing comedies. You know the power of laughter and its healing effect. Use it. Don't miss any opportunity to hear, read, see something funny.

I get it. You suffer. You had great plans for life with love one. However now it is time to gain back your sanity in order to be able move on. Some dose of suffering, going back and forth is helpful only if you come to conclusions. Usually one does that with a good therapist. I would start by asking: what qualities are you missing and you think your partner was giving them to you? These are yours to develop within...

You are scared of being alone. Loneliness is one of the worse for a lot of people, abyss, the lowest place you can find yourself in. Being alone by choice is so different than being lonely. Unless you are not able to be alone, why forcing yourself. Get a comfort first so you naturally will want your space and being with yourself.

From empty vessel even Salomon won’t pour

How you go on after break up it has to do also with the way you were raised up and what beliefs your society impressed upon you. It is hard to have own thoughts in a society in which idea of being unmarried, single is connected with being a looser.

It is also impossible to go on if you didn't get enough of love, attention, self worth in your childhood. These qualities you got while being a kid are your means to deal with life challenges. If something is missing, you need to address that. Surround yourself with real friends, those who support you and let go of others.

Hope factor not so helpful

Humans are big optimists. While it is easy to predict, that if we go shopping without money, then probably we will end up with empty bag. However if we go out into the world without certain means like self love, self worth, all of the sudden we stop thinking realistically and start believing in fairy tales, miracles, thinking we will get what we need.

Just like in the math minus and minus won’t make a plus, no matter how hard you insist.

It is like believing and begging that this one time, only this one time law of gravity will not work, hear us and make an exception. Following Einstein words: “If you do the same thing over and over and this doesn’t work, then stop doing this.”

Hope of course dies last, although when it is not followed by a common sense, reason and action, it can easily turn out to be a mere illusion.

Personal power

According to online dictionary, personal power is control over our life, influence on environment.

I think it consists not only of confidence, inner feeling of strength, assertiveness, but also self love, self appreciation, self-value, self acceptance. Those qualities have tremendous impact in every area of our life when we lack them. First we start to search for them in other people, hoping again that others will give us what we need. They may. But what if not? To what degree do we want to depend on somebody else in order to be happy?

The more of desired qualities you have within self the less likely you will be affected by the outer situation you'll find yourself in.

I admit we are social creatures and there is much more to the subject of personal power. It also consist of:

- Expertise: our abilities, skills, knowledge, experience. “In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king.” – Desiderius Erasmus.

- Authority in terms of being persuasive, influential, commanding, forceful whether by rank given by society or own line of argument.

- Charisma meaning a gift form Greek. It is personal attraction and charm.

- Social class, wealth, financial independence, ownership.

- Belonging to organization, group, work place, religion group, etc.

- Society and tradition.

- Celebrity – being popular, getting media attention.

- Relationships


Although everyone is different and needs different things, there is one rule that applies here:

Continuously gaining awareness about: own needs, skills, structure, preferences may improve how you deal with uncontrollable.

“Where there is a will, there must be a way.”


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    • Joanna Pilatowicz profile image

      Joanna Pilatowicz 16 months ago from Germany

      It will be pleasure to meet you more. I was thinking the same thing ;)

      We already are benefiting... I wish the world can hear that ;)

      to benefit too ;) Let's spread some richness

    • kallini2010 profile image

      kallini2010 16 months ago from Toronto, Canada


      Yes, we never know. Or as normal Slavic people would say

      We never not know. (even though I don't consider myself normal. No normal, unconventional yes).

      I have sent you a Friend request on Facebook - you don't have to accept it. I just thought that since we share similar views, we might benefit from friendship.

    • Joanna Pilatowicz profile image

      Joanna Pilatowicz 16 months ago from Germany

      Dear Kallini, thank you for sharing with your experience. I get that completely. With such passion inside it is not always easy to deal with things the most desired way.

      All you said, I could just say under it: ME TOO ;)

      It took me books to write too... as writing can be so therapeutic, inspiring and bring you to the places you would never even dream to go...

      Yes, absolutely, let's choreograph that!

      Never know... looking forward.... ;)

    • kallini2010 profile image

      kallini2010 16 months ago from Toronto, Canada

      Breakups are though. In my last one, I did not do so well because I was angry with myself. All that affair was a mess of my own making and I just could not forgive myself which was channeled as "he is a moron".

      Of course, that kind of thing never works and I simply took my time. My mistake was in denying, not giving him "the satisfaction" of acknowledging that he existed. I sentenced him to oblivion or so I thought.

      In reality, I sentenced myself to unnecessary pain. What I should have done is writing the whole thing down - facts, thoughts and feelings and it would have been over much sooner.

      The irony is that I knew how to deal with breakups, this and that, and I still could not do it. Maybe because I failed to see situational factors. And I spend the year "dating myself", mostly dancing tango and doing comedy, spending time with my son, not noticing that my "activities" are a compensation, a cover up. Not a solution.

      But life goes on, like a river it keeps flowing. Sooner or later, one has to face himself and it depends on who, where, when, what, why and how, but things will change.

      My first advice to anyone who is going through the acute psychological pain of any kind - write. Write it down. Write it down with all honesty.

      What helped me in particular was writing about my breakup on HubPages (of all places). Five years ago - that was how I started - writing out of indignation, madness and revenge. Thinking back, I cannot help myself but laughing.

      Because in the end, it led me to places I would have never dreamed to be. Essentially, I made my entrance as a writer doing a breakup dance.

      Funny, I know. Rather strange thought popped into my writing head:

      Maybe breakups should be choreographed?