Phases of Drunkness For Men and Women
Most of us have been drunk. If you haven't...YOUR MISSING OUT!! While we're drunk we get in to certain phases. When your at a bar and you see a guy with his eyes behind his head staring at his brain, that's a phase. When a girl is looking through her pocket book for 15 minutes to look for lip gloss and all along it was in her hand, that's a phase. My blog today is dedicated to that. Enjoy!
Phases Of Drunk Men
PHASE ONE: Not Admitting We're Drunk
We're hanging out with our "BROS", your 3 drinks in. One of your friends says, " Dude...broseph. I am FEELING IT!". You say ," eh, I feel pretty good.". You go to the bathroom. Your staring at the wall in front of you. Then, all of a sudden. You start to lean towards the right. Whoa! what's this? I can't keep my balance. Yup, you my friend are drunk...and also have a little bit of pee on your pants. No worries, just say its "water" they'll believe you (no they won't) or just go to the dark part of the clubs where guys are like lions trying to prey on women and women are LOVING the attention, HOLLA!!<--gay voice.
PHASE TWO: Drunk Texting
When we're drunk our animal instincts kick in. I need a VAGINA! (picture Macho Man Randy Savage saying it, so you can get the FULL effect.), so we drunk text. It does NOT matter who she is. AT ALL. We will text a girl we haven't talked to in months. It could be a old fling. It could be an ex. Hell, it could even be that girl that you just got a number from about 3 seconds ago. We don't care. We're hungry!!! Picture the Hungry, Hungry Hippos, but horny...and being men. Not hippos? Where am I? Here's the thing. Next day we look at it and feel like IDIOTS! Like when I look at a picture and there's a girl smiling weird and I say, " Look at the face she's doing!?" and my friend says, " Dude...shes retarded.". That kind of stupid. This is when I wish my phone can read my finger prints some how and know I'm drunk just so it could lock my keypads.
Sample intro text to a girl: " Heyyyyyyyyyy Stranger!!!!!!!!!!!!!" (add a lot of exclamation points)
PHASE THREE: Munchies
We just wanna eat. If there was no food place open...at all. We would go into the woods and hunt deer with our bare hands. It's while we're drinking. Out of nowhere! The thought of food comes to our head. Are eyes light up as if Katy Perry walked into the bar (I love you Katy Perry) we look at our friends and say, "I'm hungry." They look at you as if you just told them your buying them tickets to go to Vegas and all 3 of your friends go, "broooo!" and 5 seconds later you guys are walking to your car to go to the diner. Next morning is the worst. Wake up full, only time in a man's life he feels pregnant. Especially if you have a Mexican baby (Qdoba).
PHASE FOUR: We Can Pass Out Anywhere
After we eat. All we want to do is sleep. Just like when we have sex with someone we don't care about. What? Seriously, you thought he had to go home because he has an exam in the morning? C'mon he's 27, he's gonna go home. Shower and have a bowl of Cap'n'Crunch (Best cereal in the world...OK close to Fruity Pebbles). I have passed out on hotel floors with a hand towel as a pillow. I had a friend sleep in my backseat of my car. SITTING UP! He didn't wanna get out because the sleep was so fantastic, he couldn't get up. I left him thinking it would be funny because it was July (He got super hot and dehydrated) and I figured my friends parents would see him and try to wake him up by tapping my window making the alarm go on (He shot up as if a high kid heard their were Oreo's.).
Phases of Drunk Women
PHASE ONE: Dancing and Wooing-
This is when a girl is feeling happy. She's not drunk, but she's feeling GOOD. A song comes on, "Woo!" actually. Scratch that. EVERY song comes on and all you hear is, "woo! I love this song! Jenny! Oh my god! It's your song!!" It's like that annoying car alarm that your neighbor can't turn off. Come on neighbor! What is so important that you can't go to your keys and click a little button to make that annoying noise to stop. You can even do it inside your house and look out the window! They're dancing trying to make the lions (men) walk around them like lions do and scope them out before they attack. Oh, you ladies love attention and us men...we love you more then beer and money.
PHASE TWO: Picture Time-
Every moment for a girl in this phase is picture worthy. "Look at Samantha! Look how shes drinking her martini!? Make that face again...I gotta take a picture!". The group picture with all four ladies close to each other and the end girl always has her hand on her hip. The picture of just the drinks they're drinking. The "Blowing the kiss" face. Their is no pose that aggravates me more. Why are all four of you blowing a kiss? You look like fish. It's not sexy. Well, if your a guidette take the picture like that because I can honestly care less about you. Your personality is like that pose: doll and stupid. No worries, the guido at the bar is looking at you and thinking, "I think she's the one.".
PHASE THREE: The "Sexy Dance"-
This is when the girl is dancing and you can tell she thinks shes sexy. She's making her hands go through her hair. She looks at you and smiles, but keeps dancing as if the dancing is more important. What I'm really looking at is this. It's not you being sexy...I'm looking at how drunk you are and how you have no idea what you look like (some guy is really looking at you thinking," Easy target."). Ladies this phase you're trying to keep balance. Dipping low and fast trying to arch your back doesn't sound like a good idea. That's why you move your hips side to side and nod your head like the dead guy from "Weekend At Bernie's".