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Prevent or Preserve?

Updated on August 23, 2016
H Andelsmen profile image

H. Andelsmen realized her girlfriends were asking advice, often, because she herself has been through so much, so she decided to share.


This story is about a dating couple, not a married couple. You married folks have already put pen to paper and that makes it a whole different kind of Kool-Aid for you. Like the sugar free kind. Hence any advice or suggestions portrayed in this story do not apply to you. Save the hate mail please. I'm single and I love it. And I love sugar all up in my kool-aid.

The Scenario

This couple has been dating for eight months. Long distance relationship spanning across five states. She met him online through a dating app. The have physically been in each others presence twice. Twice. She recently gave in to her physical wants and desires and had sex with another man. There was no long courtship or dating or relationship leading up to the sex, it was just the act. A booty call, if you will. The next day, she wrestled with the idea of whether she should tell him, the boyfriend. She sought advice from two friends, one male and one female. The male advised her to fess up. Citing his own discretions and how he always told his wife because he wanted her to find out from him and not third party. The female advised her not to. Sticking with the mantra, what he doesn't know can't hurt him.

Present Day

She took the advise of her male friend and she told the boyfriend that she had messed up. He immediately had a catch in his voice during the phone call. He paused, apparently already knowing what words were to come next. Now, of course there were several more phone calls and much back and forth. But there were no loud shouting matches or name calling. Just quiet disappointment. Utterances of let down. They decide to stay together and work through it.

Too Late

Now, I know she wanted to do the right thing and be honest and upfront with him. But maybe, just maybe, doing the right thing would have been to not have sex with someone else if you told him you would do no such thing. Probably. And too late. Being completely honest, would have been to give him a call and inform him that she couldn't hold out any longer, she was going to do it. To be upfront, give a heads up. "Look, this is the case. I'm gonna have to do something. Just letting you know." Would he have protested? Probably. Would it stop her? Possibly. Would the desire be gone? No. Would he be suspicious all the time? Yes.

Prevent or Preserve?

When they decided to become a couple and do the long distance thing, they agreed that if they ever did the deed, they would tell the other. Which she did, she stuck to her word. At what point in time they were supposed to tell, the before or after, was not discussed nor determined. It was left hanging open, both assuming it wasn't ever going to be needed.

The before or after. Prevention or Preservation?

Decisions, decisions

The before leads to one party having to acknowledge that their partner desires something that they cannot give them. It leads to one party having to make an unbearable decision of whether to allow it or to put their foot down and deny the one they love the one bit of happiness that they can not give. To enable or to deprive them. All the while facing turmoil within their self. BUT, it gives them a choice. A fight or flee moment of their own, but they indeed choose on their own. Allowance could lead to self doubt of ever being enough. Allowance could lead to always being the one to bend. Allowance could lead to always allowing, every time. Deprivation could lead to betrayal. Deprivation could lead to resentment. Deprivation could lead to the end.

What would you do?

Would you choose to prevent or preserve?

See results

The After Affect

The after leads to one having to acknowledge and own up to their indiscretions and bare their own fault. The after is not a mutual decision, one party has already chose for the other. They have bypassed prevention and are forcing the partner whether or not to preserve. It leads to forced reaction, blunt reality, and discomfort. One's weakness leads to the others utter agony. Who was it? Where was it? How was it? Slow, self torture. The cheatee always dwells and suffers far longer than the act itself lasted. Because the act isn't the only betrayal. The betrayal began the moment the cheater began to succumb. As this isn't an act like simply tripping and falling into it is it? This act is premeditated no matter how many times one hears..."it just happened". It never "just happens" folks. It is human nature to feel a draw toward another. Now that draw may just happen, but the actions are preventable.

Entree of Honesty

Now for the woman at the focus of this article, obviously she chose the after and to preserve. To spare grief for all parties involved, cheating must never occur. But alas, it does occur. So my advice to you is that you and your partner discuss things openly but precisely. Don't leave loose strings. Don't leave things open for interpretation. When you order a burger you don't leave it up to the waiter to decide whether you want your toppings on the side. Oh no, you tell them straight and up front, please no tomato and put the lettuce and mayo on the side. Stop being more assertive with your food than you are with your heart. Entrée of honesty, well done, no substitutions, please.

© 2014 HanDelsmen


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