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Updated on April 12, 2011

Check It

I walk these streets with my headphones in. I watch the cars drive by and the people pass. I light a cigarette and let my mind go, It's these moments that I can call my own. The rhythmic pattern of my feet hitting pavement, the inhale and exhale of my breath coated with the smoke of my cigarette, the rhymes and beats of my favorite artist. The music I relate too that paints the picture of my life into 4 to 5 minute songs. The anger slowly builds up in my gut, I try to fight it but I soon give in too it, let it fill me take control. It's moments like these that I'm dangerous. I beg for someone to cross me, for someone that I can just let it all out on but alas they never come so I walk faster. I just want to scream and keep screaming till my throats raw and tears streak down my face. Eventually the feelings pass, I find myself sitting on a bench looking out over a green field of grass. Watching couples walk hand in hand, kids playing football and playing on the playground in the distance. A slight breeze passes by I feel it run through my hair and across my body, for a second I feel normal I feel human. The moment passes and I find my mind spinning with doubt and sadness. I wanna cry but I can't I'm all out of tears so I sit with my head in my hands and try to push theses thoughts back into the cage they came from.

When I finally get a hold of myself I stand and look out towards the street. People drive by without even a glance, to them I'm nobody just some kid out on a walk. I don't matter. I pull out my headphones and shove them in my pocket. It's like I'm brought into a new world, I can hear the sounds of the birds, in the trees above me, singing to one another. The sounds of the cars driving by, the shouts and laughter of the children behind me. Everyone's in their own world, I feel like I'm outside observing them. They don't understand how much I envy them for what they have. Their happiness, their joy, their lives seems so perfect and tranquil compared to mine. They have a family that cares about them, friends who care about them. All I have is myself, I tell myself that's all I need and that one day they'll know my name and that maybe just maybe one day I'll have a family of my own. I'll do it right though I swear to myself that I'll never be like my father. My children and wife won't know domestic violence the wont have the smell of alcohol mixed with the memories of pain and cries of injustice burned into their memories. 

I keep walking. I don't wanna go home so I don't think I will I'm moving on I'm leaving my past behind me and looking towards the future. I know it's gonna be a long and hard road but in the end I know I'll be happy. Right? I hope so, its the thing that keeps me going if not then there's no point in walking on I might as well just sit on the curb and give up. I see some friends of mine and they walk along with me but one by one they come and go. Except two, they don't leave my side, we talk, we joke, we enjoy each others company for awhile but we know that we'll have to part ways soon, we choose to ignore it and just keep walking, we'll deal with it when the time comes for now we are content. The moment arrives  without warning, I can't believe it's time to go our separate ways? It's hard to say goodbye but it must be done. We tell each other that we'll meet up later down the road but part of me feels it'll by a long time before I see either of their faces again. We part, again I'm alone It's grown dark and cold breeze rolls through night air. I shiver as I light another cigarette, I start to walk again. I'm scared I don't know where I am anymore, all I want is to go back and see my friends again but I know their is no going back. So, I trudge on guided by the light of the end of my smoke. It's so dark and cold now I'm losing it I don't know what to do I just want to give up, I force myself to take a drag and walk on. Time passes and the sun starts to rise. I see people even say hi to few but none of them want to join me on my journey. It's not so bad anymore. I have more control over myself but I know that with the night comes my pain and emotions that I hide away inside me. I keep walking. I meet two guys that understand me and my journey so they agree to come along. As our bond grows the sunshines brighter but I still know the dark will come. without some sort of light I feel I'm doomed to suffer.

I see her. She's just standing there looking towards me, it's almost as if she's glowing slightly. I hope against hope that I she might walk with me even for a minute. I reach her and we talk for a few minutes and she starts to walk with us, I wonder how long she'll be around. I enjoy her company she makes it easier to keep going forward she's like my light in the darkness. Again I wonder how long she'll stay.


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    • ConspireToInspire profile image

      ConspireToInspire 6 years ago

      Visceral in it's entirety. I read it as if though dreaming, but maybe that's because I just read little Brother's blog, but perhaps not. The writing has true voice, one that can only be attained when the flavor of the writing is as such as yours, truly remarkable. Many changes of late, and life is as if a dream, and now I am not so sure it isn't. Dude...I love you. Write on, cause we are up all night, we got demons to fight.