Poetry; Dating and the Single Mom
Dating and the single mom
I walked in the rain tonight,
Trying to cleanse my mind and my soul.
I was cold. Empty inside. Lonely.
When one can compare oneself
to a dank, empty cavern;
A cleansing can’t occur.
My energy is too caught up
in the bottomless sorrow
that has instilled itself
in the pit of my stomach.
I’m forsaking food
and increasing exercise
in hopes that the hunger that I feel
is simply the confusion that tosses itself around
within the hollows of my body.
I’m standing in a hollow.
I welcome the eruptions of mud,
filling around my ankles.
I pray to the rain
to wash my tears away.
I have no where to go
except for home,
where two babes of my flesh
look to me for guidance.
How can I be an example to them?
How can I show them what true love is?
I don’t know myself.
I don’t know unconditional love.
At least not given to me.
I have always been the deliverer of such a thing.
Never on the receiving end.
Except for my children.
It spills out of their pores for me.
When they are grown and on their own;
Where will I be?
I cannot allow myself to make them my life.
I cannot be theirs either.
We make a life together.
We make a life apart.
I wanted a life with him...
I had imagined that I had found the man
I could call my soul mate.
He in truth, was a different version from me.
He hadn’t caught up to me
in terms of self-acceptance.
Therefore, I became more of a stress
than a pleasure.
We both asked ourselves questions....
I did..., more likely.
The glimpses and moments
when we are alone and exposing our hearts,
I never questioned whether he was the one.
However, when we were separated
I questioned constantly
whether I was the one
His capacity to love
was so limited.
Love cannot be a temporary fix.
You feel it or you don’t.
If you can shut it off easily,
it truly wasn’t there.
I often wondered how he could so easily turn me off-
as simply as one turns a knob.
His touch, his scent, his presence
still stays with me throughout the day.
It’s been months now since we’ve bonded.
I don’t want to forget how I felt in his arms;
But if I’m not in his heart
I want amnesia.
A complete erasing of how
I’d given my all
to receive for a short time
the feeling that I was loved.
Beyond my body...
Beyond my insecurities...
For I cannot understand why
a person would give up
someone that was so deeply committed to them.
Someone that felt the beat of his heart
as their own.
Someone that loved him enough
to let him go.
And I will...I have to
Let him go;
if that is what he truly wants.
Even if my heart and false hopes
die in the process.