- Gender and Relationships»
- Romantic Intimacy
Her way of Saying its You
I know that it may seem...
... crass or odd for a man to be bold enough to address the issue of how to improve intimacy. Considering the statistic that only twenty percent of women are actually satisfied sexually, a man is usually the last person anyone expects to hear from. I can't help my gender though and I have spent a decent portion of my life contemplating this subject. I had an ulterior motive for learning and I have always found it a matter of selfishness to keep such things to myself.
I am not the sort of man any woman in their right mind would have a serious relationship with let alone marry. Asperger’s Syndrome and Bipolar Disorder are a deadly combination when it comes to killing relationships. From the first day that I became aware enough of women to care, I have known that. I however refused to succumb to despair. I am a great believer of the concept of, "Where there is a will there is a way." I decided a long time ago to hedge my bets. I asked myself, "What if I could find someone who could handle my foul moods and caustic tempers. What if I could find someone who would love me for who and what I am and want to be in my life without passing judgment or at least coping instead of leaving? What would I be willing to do to make "Her" life pleasurable enough or at least easier? Could I give grounds to make "Her" hesitate every time they thought of leaving? I have attachment issues so sue me.
On this premise I did a lot of study on how to help a woman to orgasm amongst other things. I asked a lot of uncomfortable questions to garner what wisdom I gained on the subject. I probed both my own mind and the understanding of every woman I dared broach the subject with. I studied biology and asked women their opinion of where the G spot was and how to excite it. I think they answered my question in hopes that I would turn green and say, “never mind.” It puzzled them just a little bit when I was willing to discuss the matter on a clinical level and balance the issue philosophically. I asked about what issues they found in being married or in being divorced that were deciding factors in either circumstance. I eaves dropped on woman to woman conversations. Perhaps that is reprehensible but I figured that there were things that they probably wouldn't broach with me if they thought I was listening. I read a fair number of romance novels by various authors.
It is possible for any one woman to have a flight of fancy and no man can measure up to that. I felt, however, that mathematically and statistically, if you read enough works from enough authors you could extrapolate relevant data on what women want and need as well as what irritates them to no end through the analysis of the various male characters in their stories and how the female characters describe and interpret that behavior. This alone wasn't really that fun because I could care less about the seedy details in it but rather compared and contrasted each author's opinion on men and what made them happy.
Finally when I was still not clear on all the ins and outs of my proposed subject, I asked the woman that became my wife. Yes, surprise, surprise, I am married and happily so. Some times my wife wonders aloud whether our marriage is legit or an addiction.She wonders, because I succeeded and thought that I might help men out with a few handy tips on how to make a woman happy.
Rule number one: Only talk about yourself when she asks about you and try to say as little as possible while answering her inquiry as completely as you dare.
Rule number two: She would give all of your gifts and money away for the chance that you might ask her what she needs and not expect her to be honest. If you listen long enough you will notice a pattern that will be more telling then anything else she says on the matter.
Rule number three: Be unpredictable. Constantly assess her mood and take notes on the sort of things that make her feel better. It will pay dividends for you to come up with such items at random according to your observations rather then waiting for her to say something about it.
Rule number four: Sex isn't the same every time and shouldn't be the same. If you are in doubt about what she wants feel free to ask her and be willing to follow through and comply with her suggestions.
Rule number five: Regardless of your supposed expertise, for heaven’s sake stay in the here and now when in the bedroom or anywhere around the woman of your current commitment. What works for one woman doesn’t work for the next and if she gets the feeling that you are carbon copying your moves she won’t respond appropriately to anything you do and you have no one to blame but yourself.
Rule number six: A woman will do much for a man who is secure enough in themselves to take her shopping and be willing to get up to their elbows with lingerie if necessary and make quantitative observations without being insulting. Observations such as, “That really doesn’t flatter you dear.” Or, “I really like how that other dress played up your eyes.” This practice will get you out of some of those ‘no win’ questions women like to throw at men who are thinking about something or someone else when they should be paying attention to the woman in front of them.
Rule number seven: Amongst the things I learned in my studies was the comforting idea that if a woman fakes it it is usually because they care enough for their partner not to want them to walk away unsatisfied even though she probably is. It may hurt a man's ego to think that his partner faked but she is probably trying to do you a favor. If you really care all that much, practice variation until you are assured of her enjoyment.
Rule number eight: She reserves the right to try to change the rules at a whim if she thinks you are getting too practiced at the ones she adheres to up front. Women are creatures of habit, however. If you were paying attention less to what she said she wanted and more to the things that suited her and the various attributes and flavors in items that she fancied, feeling your way through to figuring out the new rules won’t be hard.
Learning the ways of women isn’t necessarily easy. Getting upset over it won't help anyone, let alone get you to where you want to be. If I were you I would swallow my pride and talk to her about what she wants and needs. Be willing to experiment and keep your options of position and environment open. The difference in the encounters may not be apparent immediately because as any woman will tell you who are happy in their relationships, no two encounters are alike and they have different symptoms. You won't be a Beethoven or Bach for every woman but you can be that for one woman eventually if you are willing to invest in her personally. With a little practice and a lot of actual caring affection you can help fulfill her and you might be surprised how it improves your experience in your relationship.