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Questions to ask on a first date if you're looking to meet your true match

Updated on August 30, 2012
Take your time to get to know someone.
Take your time to get to know someone. | Source

Looking for the right relationship? Here are a few good questions for you on a first date.

You can not go forward into a relationship if you don't ask a few questions, and I don't mean, "boxers, or briefs?"

Here are a few tips to start you out with your search for "Mr." or "Ms. Right."

1. Are you completely single?
Don't laugh: a lot of people put on the facade that they are available. Ask for proof if you have to (divorce decree).
2. Are you sure of your sexual preference? Don't laugh more: you'd be shocked how many people are living in denial out there! Look, embrace what you are. I don't want to find out decades later you swing the "other" way.
3. What is your true dating status? There is a lot of gray matter here. For a general rule: it's best to avoid anyone who hasn't been divorced for at least a year post-decree. Separated? Pass! Too much of a risk for reconciliation or drama issues. Plus, most of us need at least a year to readjust to being single again.
4. How do you feel about doing drugs?
This is not a question for prudes. You have a preference either way, just make sure your date sees things similarly as you.
5. If there was one thing you could change about yourself, what would it be? If the answer is "nothing," run for the hills! We all could use improvement, it just takes an honest person to see that. The answer to this question will give you the best idea of a person's quest to grow, and what they value about self-development.
6. Who do you worship?
If you would say "Christ," and your suitor says, "Satan!" Run! Run fast, run hard, run deep! And don't look back.
7. Do you have kids, and how do you feel about them?
Deadbeat dad? Run some more! Thinks kids are annoying and not in his future when you plan on a big family? I don't need to read the Tarot cards to tell you that "I see doom in your future." That is, assuming you have kids, or plan to have them in your future.
8. Do you have a criminal record?
This didn't seem important to me until an ex-con came into my home, rocked my world, then took off with my life savings the next morning. OK so Thelma and Louise was based on true situations.... but I digress. If you don't mind dating a guy on the "Megan's Law" website, it's probably best you investigate. Pay the fee if you have to, but don't jeopardize your life or your future with some psycho.
9. What are your plans for the future?
This includes any plans for relationships, by the way. You want to find out early on if you are both on the same page. If you want a long term relationship, and your suitor says something vague like, "I like to play things by the ear," then assume this translation: "I'm a flake, and I don't take anything seriously. If I see a molecule of doubt on you, I will drop kick you and do the fade-away break-up." Or something along those lines.
10. What is your relationship with your family?
Only sign up for a relationship with a guy who says, "my family is bat-sh*t crazy, and I want nothing to do with them!" Otherwise, he's lying. Just kidding. Most families (if they're completely honest) are somehow dysfunctional. Look, the right answer is probably a middle ground where he can say, "they're not perfect, but they're my family and I love them." That is tantamount to any relationship, too, wouldn't you say?

Oh, and one last thing: if you meet someone who seems to be a "Momma's Boy," or "Daddy's little girl." Run!!! Run like there's no tomorrow. No one can take the place of an unrealistic ideal. Even their own mothers and fathers are freaks, so do you want to be like that? I didn't think so.

Any other suggestions for questions? I'm curious for what others see fit to ask.

Have fun, and don't take anything too seriously!
Have fun, and don't take anything too seriously!

What is most important to find compatibility?

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    • profile image

      Not John Smith 5 years ago

      Here’s what you are slowly learning, now that you are newly single. It’s a cold, heartless world that we live in.

      Both men and women will do the following:

      1-Make a date and then find someone better, and blow you off without a word or a call or a text message. You sit there for 30 minutes, fuming at being stood up!

      2-String you along, so they have someone to use for sex and dates, until they eventually find someone better. Then, YOU get the cold shoulder all of a sudden, after a full year of dating and fake romance. Your emails are blocked. Your calls go unanswered.

      3-Use you for money, or rides, or drugs. They don’t really want you in their life, of course. But, as long as you are paying, you can stay.

      4-Your date really wants to get back together with an old flame. But, the flame wants nothing to do with them, of course. So, the date strings you along, and all the while desperately tries to find any little chance they can, to get back together with the old love. If that happens, you get dumped like a shitty diaper, as if YOU were the one who started all this drama.

      5-Honesty is NOT going to happen. You can expect to be lied to. Cheated out of things. If you allow it, people will use you for sex, drugs, money, or whatever you are willing to offer, in exchange for companionship.

      6-Drama? Don’t even get me started with drama! In the dating world, you will get so much drama that you could write a dozen full-length Hollywood movies, based on what you see! Expect it. Drunken phone calls, that wake you up at 3 AM. Husbands (or wives) threatening you, for dating someone who claimed to be “single”. Screaming arguments from losers that you meet, that happen in your front yard, so all the neighbors get to learn your business.

      This is how 50% of single people behave. No courtesy whatsoever from them. No honestly at all. They use people. Manipulate them. Take whatever they can get, and leave others miserable and sad.

      You have to learn how to spot this trash, the same way that you spot dogshit on the sidewalk. You have to be smart. You need intuition, and a sixth sense of reading the intentions of others.

      Most of all, you need to EXPECT this shit to happen!

      What that means is that you do NOT sit by the phone and wait for some loser to call. Expect to be dumped, once they have sex! Expect it!

      Expect people to try to use you for something. Expect it! Be on guard, and try to prevent it.

      Why in the world do you think the WOMAN always pays for the motel room? Because I’m not spending a cent, in case she turns out to be psycho-crazy! Afterwards, if we both had enjoyable sex, I will split the cost with her. But, if she backs out at the last moment, it will be HER loss, not mine!

      Here’s the numbers that I have to sort through, to get sex and a girlfriend.

      Keep in mind that I am VERY good at the game of seduction. Other men should double or triple these numbers.

      I have to approach and attempt to seduce between 5 and 12 women, in order to find one who will let me do anal play or erotic enemas with them. Any guy that claims to be getting sex from every woman is a LIAR. I am good at this, and there are still many nights where I go home alone.

      Then, after meeting a woman and trying to make a relationship with her, I still need to sort through 15 to 50 women, before I find just ONE who would make a good girlfriend.

      So, there you have it. I have to walk up and attempt to seduce at least 200 to 300 women, in order to get some sex from 35 of them. Then, out of that 35, I will be LUCKY to get just one good girlfriend out of the lot.

      So, that’s why I laugh at you, when you throw in the towel after just 3 or 4 loser-dates! The dating world is filled with mostly garbage. And, there you are, sorting through all of it, searching for that one person who might make a relationship that will last for a few years!

      After you spend time with people, you learn all of this. You can spot a user, as they walk up to you. You can smell dishonesty a mile away. You already know that something will not work out. And, you don’t hang by the phone, expecting any calls or texts.

      This is the world today. Rude people. Liars. Users. Losers. Expect it! Expect all of it.

    • wonderful1 profile image

      Sheila Varga Szabo 5 years ago from Southern California

      Are you watching over my shoulder or something? You are spot on. The sandwich guy went back to the 200# woman who has the IQ of a frog. Sorry, I mean no disrespect, but back in the day, I would check out her "Myspace" profile. More insulting to me is after all the years of "recovering" from heartbreak, this guy will message me around Christmas time-- professing his "love" at the time we were together, no doubt, and I'm just supposed to shrug it off. Life makes some sense. Guys don't most of the time.

      I love sharing our love woes. You're my cyber-mentor! Stay with me. I have good tips about women, if you need them.

    • profile image

      Not John Smith 5 years ago

      Trust me, for EACH and EVERY man who did not call and who lied to you and who wasted your time, I have had 2 or 3 women who did the same to me. That's just how the world is. People will sit there across from you, and look you right in the eyes, and tell you ONE thing. Then, the following day, they will turn around and do the exact opposite!

      “Yes, I really want to start a relationship with you, Sheila!” he says. Then, you don’t hear from him for a week. Finally YOU call him, only to find out that he went back to the EX who cheated on him and took his money in a divorce! Turns out, the EX weighs 225 pounds and has the face of a PUG! Yet for some crazy reason, the man lies to you, and can’t wait to go running back to miss-piggy for yet another round of misery and humiliation in his life!

      What sense does that make?

      The only thing that you can do is shake your head in bewilderment and move on!

    • wonderful1 profile image

      Sheila Varga Szabo 5 years ago from Southern California

      Oh, that was awesome-- made me laugh, too! I have a sort of "lighter" sensation on my soul now, knowing that A) I'm not alone, B) men have equal/opposite disappointments, C) there really is a lot of loonies to sift through and D) I would consider a half-way decent guy-- albeit, he HAS to have a good heart (not the muscle, but the emotional side).

      By the way: I'm going to incorporate some of the tips you gave above for a writing assignment I'm about to do. I loved the quick and easy way to spot a player and want other women to know about it. Thanks again-- and good luck (for both of us).

    • profile image

      Not John Smith 5 years ago

      Expect to sort through between 100 and 200 people to find one that is half-way decent. It’s like searching for a diamond in a mountain of rocks. They are few and far-between. So, I know EXACTLY what you are going through!

      Most of the people you meet are simply time-wasters, who amount to nothing in your life. I get married women who lie and tell me they are single. Idiots who plan a date, and never show or call. I get crazy nuts who claim they want sex, and then start crying when we go to a motel together (she ALWAYS pays for the room)! I get freaks who treat me as if I’m the husband who beat them. I get women who have psycho kids. I get alcoholics. Drug addicts. Criminals, involved in a crime. Loons on psychiatric drugs. Haters. Liars. Losers of all varieties. Women who need money. Women who try to use me for a ride somewhere. Dinner whores. Women who have herpes. Women who only want sex in the dark. Women who claim to want sex, and then don’t let anyone touch them.

      Oh, you have NO idea of the lunacy that I have to put up with, sometimes!

      And, don’t even get me started on the sex freaks! I do gentle anal play and erotic enemas. Each time I place an ad for that, I get transsexuals. I get women who want me to torture them. One nut, I remember well! She said she had a K8 fantasy. I told her I have never heard of that. She corrected herself. She meant K9, as in Rin-Tin-Tin or Lassie. I get freaks with so many piercings that they weigh 20 pounds extra. One woman assumed that, because I use water in enemas that I would not mind putting her in the tub and holding her head underwater! That’s an actual, real-life experience there! I kid you not! Would that be a drowning fantasy, perhaps?

      So, when you come here and tell me that you’re getting confused idiots who can’t decide who they want to be with, well, let me tell you, that is NOTHING!

      You need to expect disappointment, frustration, insanity, poverty, indecision, heartbreak and even some physical abuse! It’s simply a mixed-up crazy world out there, and some of the people that you meet are clearly not affixed in reality!

      Trust me, if you can find even ONE sane and half-way normal man out there, GRAB him up and be glad to have him!

    • profile image

      lovedoctor926 5 years ago

      I voted up awesome! The last part about mommas boys and daddy's little girl made me laugh!

    • wonderful1 profile image

      Sheila Varga Szabo 5 years ago from Southern California

      Oh, gosh, John, you've missed so much! I've dated guys I took one look at and said, "there's NO way I would 'do' him!" And sure enough, I gave him a chance and HE was the one who pulled away.

      And there is a role model for love as you explained. My sandwich guy who occasionally haunts me. He showed me caring and thoughtfulness that I've never experienced before.... but he's so stubborn and stuck in growth that he chose to pursue love with his ex who betrayed him than give "us" a chance. And no, he wasn't what I'd call a "hot" guy, either. Chemistry is a funny thing. Sometimes it's just an "it" factor. The nice guy in my past did "it" for me (and he was by FAR the best lover, too). God I miss that. Fudge. Otherwise you're right: I'm always at the point of desperation by 6 months of abstinence (and so far, I've made it to 9). I'm open to new men, but there are few prospects around here. If I knew you personally, I'd tell you about what's been going on with my co-worker (hubba, hubba). But I'm okay. I've conditioned myself to release anxiety and let life flow at its own pace. If it's meant to be, it will happen. I think the timing just isn't right at this moment.

    • profile image

      Not John Smith 5 years ago

      I like you Sheila. You seem like a nice lady who just wants the stability and reassurance of a relationship.

      Here’s where the problem may lie. You’re focused on physical looks in men, rather than emotional availability. You see a hot guy and think that you can have a relationship with him. Unfortunately, you fail to detect that he is emotionally unavailable. Next, you get upset when he does not show further interest. Finally, in frustration, you swear off men for a while until your desires become overwhelming, at which time the process begins all over again.

      You can watch as a decade of your life slips through the hourglass this way, and be no closer to a loving relationship than you are now.

      The reality is that the hot men that you lust after often do not actually want to love any woman. They simply want sex and companionship-lite. Of course, they SAY all the right things. Perhaps, they do not even realize the deficits in their own behavior. What you need to do is look for the subtle clues that a man likes you, and wants to bond with you. Does he show interest in your life, and learning about what you think, early on, when you meet? Does he do things to try to please you? Does he display a nurturing component, in his behavior?

      The truth is, men who have love to offer are often not the attractive men that you immediately gravitate towards. If a loving man were to approach, you would most likely show no interest, because you are judging him on looks, and you feel certain that you can do better. So, you will end up with a younger man who has the looks, but he treats you the exact same way that you treated the loving man. The younger man simply wanted easy sex, but he feels that he can get a more attractive woman than you, so he has no intentions of making any relationship with you, past sex.

      When you become serious about finding LOVE, you will begin to learn how to assess for men who have that to offer. Until now, you were primarily assessing for physical desirability, and that is all that you got, for a very short time.

      Next time you are interacting with a man, begin to ask yourself some questions. Does this man seem as if he has love to offer? Sex does not matter. You could have sex fast, or wait for a while. But, when it happens, is the man showing any sort of love and concern for you?

      Based on your life stories, it seems like you were just spending time with hot guys who wanted easy sex. It’s pretty easy to spot what their intentions are, right in the beginning because they never venture into any sort of emotional territory with you. From the beginning, it was simply about seduction and sexual desire. You can continue to kill time with hot men like this, if you wish. But, when they ride off on their motorcycle, don’t ask when they will return, or when they will call, because you should already know that this is it. You will never see them again. Expect it. Don’t be surprised.

      Right now, I guess you’re still fixated on physical looks. But, when you get serious about love, you will have to look beyond that, and begin to admit to yourself that the man who will love you is not even close in appearance to the men that you lust after.

      Once you begin to ask “Is this a man who will love me?” rather than thinking “Oh yeah, it’s gonna be fun to share my bed with this hottie!” then you will hopefully find what you need most of all, in life.

    • wonderful1 profile image

      Sheila Varga Szabo 5 years ago from Southern California

      Awesome way to put it-- I completely agree! I actually look for clues to this like seeing what make of car he drives: luxury car driver? No way! Showy-over-the-top lifted truck? Ditto. I'd be impressed with a guy who still has a sentimental piece of something he got as a gift from someone he loves. Of course, you probably won't find out about that on a first date. Thanks for the comments, John.

    • profile image

      Not John Smith 5 years ago

      There is one VITAL skill that you must have, if you expect to create a relationship with a man in a reasonable amount of time. And, that is you must be able to spot a man who wants to bond with a woman.

      You see, there are men who do NOT need or want any sort of emotional bond with a woman. None whatsoever! They want sex. They want an attractive woman to raise their social status. They want company during social events. But, you are like a car to the man. Sure, he loves his car. And, he claims to love you too. But, he loves woman in the same way that he loves his car. Both are just possessions to him. And, that is all they will ever be.

      You spot a man like this by his ACTIONS, or rather, the lack of any sort of emotions from him. He’s funny. He’s smart. Driven in his career. He has a wide circle of friends in his life. But, after a dozen dates, he never even ONCE pulled you close in bed and told you that you are his girl. The sex is great, but really all the man is doing is performing a ritual with you, because there is no transference of any sort of love.

      Women often waste years of their lives with these men, hoping to get them to love. Hoping they will bond. Silently telling themselves that he would be just perfect if only he would do a few things differently. But, these women are kidding themselves. The man has no real love to give. He’s attractive. Successful. Alpha. And, he appears to possess everything he needs to be a great partner, in a relationship.

      But, there is one fatal flaw. He has no desire or ability to bond with his woman. The sooner that you spot this, and get out, the less time that you will waste. Either move on, or else decide to settle for relationship-lite, because that is all you will ever get. The man loves you in the same way he loves his car. Honestly, if he owns an exotic sports car, you come second, after the car.

      Learn how to spot mr. no-emotion, and blow him off, despite how many other good qualities he possesses!

    • wonderful1 profile image

      Sheila Varga Szabo 5 years ago from Southern California

      Thanks for the feedback, Jeannieinabottle-- and you wouldn't be the only one who ignores red flags. If a guy's good looking, we tend to fill in gaps that are missing, because we want for it to "work" so much.

    • Jeannieinabottle profile image

      Jeannie InABottle 5 years ago from Baltimore, MD

      This is excellent advice. These are all questions that should come out within the first couple of dates. Unfortunately, I've been known to ask these questions and then disregard his answers anyway. Bad idea!

      Thanks for the advice. Voted up!

    • fjones0052 profile image

      fjones0052 6 years ago from Washington State

      I think that most of these things can be found out through conversation during the first date. The trick is to steer the conversation without it seeming like a job interview. The more relaxed you make your date feel, the easier the conversation. The easier the convo, the more unguarded statements will come out. I am continually amazed, while browsing personal ads, how many disclaimers women have that I think are commen sense in what is acceptable in society.

      then I hear the dating horror stories and ask myself what makes anybody, man or woman, think that this is good behavior if you actually want someone to like you. If you can get these questions answered prior to the first date, do it. But it all depends how the first date is initiated.

    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 6 years ago

      I actually agree with you that this is information one needs to know. The real purpose of dating is (Due Diligence). One wants to determine how much time they want to invest with a person especially if you are looking for (the right) relationship.

      Naturally if you're just out to have fun you don't care about their family and other things since you are just "passing through". lol!

      In all honesty I think many of these questions I would want answered (prior) to going out on an actual date. Much like companies do today, I would conduct a casual phone "interview" (for lack of a better word), as well as get some responses via email exchanges. It's a good idea not to rapid fire the questions but instead fit them in during general conversations. Truth be told if someone is "serious" about wanting to truly get to know you they will be asking just as many questions! Nice Hub!

    • misterbungle profile image

      misterbungle 6 years ago from Los Angeles, CA

      I agree with bryanbaldwin. You may run across someone who is a much closer match to you than others, but a little too much 20 questions with the interrogation light shining on them may be too much.

      Have fun, be careful and tell me about it the next day. :)

    • bryanbaldwin profile image

      bryanbaldwin 6 years ago from Los Angeles

      Don't forget to have FUN on the date!!!! It doesn't need to be a scary job interview.

    • karthikkash profile image

      Karthik Kashyap 6 years ago from India

      nice hub indeed :) I haven't most of these questions on the first date itself, since I have dated girls I already knew a bit. However, when it is a date, one definite question is, "what do you want to do in life"? most of my conversation goes from there.

      Most of the other things, I either find out through other sources or through my eventual dates.

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      Poetic Fool 6 years ago

      Some of these questions might seem absurd at first but they really aren't. In my experience, many of these areas are what cause the most friction. If there is one thing I would add it would be a check for financial compatibility. It might seem odd to talk about when you're just dating but being on the same page here can be as important as any of these other areas. A spender with a saver, a planner with an impulse spender is a recipe for disaster! Thought provoking hub, Sheila. Good job!

    • that one girl profile image

      that one girl 6 years ago from Washington state

      Interesting stuff. Numbers 2 and 8 made me laugh. I do think your example for number six was a little too exaggerated -- I assume anyone who identifies as Christian would run in terror from a Satanist. Perhaps a better example would have been addressing the depth of adherence and respectfulness -- like, a Baptist and a Protestant believe in pretty much the exact same stuff, with minor differences in practice -- you'd assume they would be very compatible religions in a relationship, but there are some Baptist/Protestant couples for whom religion is a constant stumbling block, and there are some atheist/Catholic or Islamic/ Jewish couples who are able to overlook the stunning divides between their belief in order to focus on the relationship and each other.

    • iamageniuster profile image

      iamageniuster 6 years ago

      Good tips. I'll definitely look for them in a person.