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Reasons Why Jessica Alba and I Will Never Be Lovers

Updated on April 2, 2014
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A Jessica Alba Photo Collection

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What man alive today

wouldn't love to be with Jessica Alba, a true superstar-actress in Hollywood. I am not going to tell you everything she has accomplished as an actress for I do not have hours and hours to do that. Simply put, Alba is tough to beat when she auditions for any role that is up for grabs.

Now with that being said, and I am not discriminating against you, ladies, men who are reading this story right now, would YOU like to have a long-term relationship with Jessica Alba?


Okay. You can answer me when you wipe the drool off of your mouth.

I guess you are thinking that "I" am among the thousands of men who would give a year's pay just to take sexy and alluring, Jessica Alba out for dinner. Not. No, you are making a mistake. I said "no." And I sincerely mean that.

Below, for the first-time ever, are "Reasons Why Jessica Alba and I Will Never Be Lovers."

Her hair is not my favorite color

and that is a definite deal-breaker. I want the woman I am going to have a loving-relationship with to be brunette or blond, none of this off-color that reminds me of a Maple tree in Vermont that has caught the blight. It is either a brunette or blond. Nothing else.

I do not like her voice

way too low. And sometimes raspy. I appreciate a gorgeous woman whose voice I can easily understand when we are at a high-class party. She can whisper later when we are all alone. But have you ever tried to understand Jessica's lines in any movie she has made? It's tough men. Tough.

Her looks would hurt other women's feelings

and I do not want to be a party to doing something or being with someone who causes others to be hurt. I appreciate women of all shapes, kinds, and national origins, but can you imagine the awful scene when Jessica and I stroll into the room at some expensive restaurant? I can hear the gasps and "ohhhh my's," from the other pretty women who are there dining with their husbands or dates. Then these women excuse themselves to the ladies room for quick repair of make-up or hair that is out of place and come back fuming with anger. Who would be blamed? Do you really need me to answer that?

Her tan is too deep

and that simply won't fly with me. Tans are okay in moderation, but have you seen this girl and the amount of tanning she puts herself though? Awful. Most people who see Jessica and I together in-person will feel sorry for her thinking she is sick with some disease.

Her eyes are not blue

I love women who have blue eyes. And hazel eyes. Well, any color will do, but the color of Jessica's eyes now are not one of my favorites, so all I can say is, "nice try, Jessica."

Jessica Alba cannot play a steel guitar

and that is a must if she and I are going to be lovers and reside in the south. I bet she doesn't even know that a steel guitar is. She might giggle and reply, "ohhh, geeee. It's a guitar made of steel," or some other girly comment. Nope. No loving from me if she isn't able to play a steel guitar with a backyard country band.

Jessica cannot bait her own hook

and by that I mean, she cannot take a live red worm and place it on her fishing hook while me are fishing from some creek bank in some secluded, romantic place in Alabama. Oh, she will not leave and to back home. She will run the fish off by her constant moaning and groaning and telling the red worms how sorry she is that they have to give their lives for our dinner.

Finally . . .

Jessica Alba is not into moonshine

she prefers that expensive, vintage wine from Italy or France. I can see us having a huge fuss when I offer her a taste of homemade whiskey made by master moonshiners. Her little nose will turn up and she will grimace. Then she can find her way home. Although I do not drink, I have to respect those old guys in the hills who still make their own "shine."

"Jessica, dear. Do not feel sad because you and I aren't made for each other. Hey, I would not look good sitting in your hot tub at your swanky apartment in Hollywood."


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    • catgypsy profile image

      catgypsy 

      4 years ago from the South

      Hmmm...not sure I believe this one Kenneth...haha! I'll bet if she showed up on your doorstep tomorrow and asked you to take her out, you might reconsider, that is if Pam didn't mind :D

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