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Reasons Why Women Should Not Make the First Move

Updated on November 16, 2017
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Can a woman end up in a happy, fulfilling relationship or marriage if she makes the first move?

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A woman's dilemma; To make or not to make that first move

I recently watched an episode on Judge Judy where the an ex-boyfriend claimed that his ex-girlfriend had wooed him into a relationship but he stayed on for the goodies since the woman was trying to 'buy his love'. And that's not the first time. I have watched several reality shows where a woman woos a man and makes his life easier by financing him but it turned out disastrous in the end. I keep wishing other women are watching too. How men behave and the things men say when women take the lead in a relationship which eventually ends should put women off but some women seem to like a challenge.


We have made long strides towards female empowerment. We have said time and again that what men can do women can do better.However, some social norms, expectations and roles will never change. Any man saying that he will not mind being asked out by a woman is just looking for a casual deal and not something long-term. Hunting is in a man's inherent nature. He finds content and joy in going out, searching what he wants and finding ways to get it through effort. It's not normal for a man to wait for his prey to land on his plate. His joy is in hunting his prey.


He carries on with the same concept even in the dating scene. He wants to see someone he likes, approach her and get rejected or be accepted. It excites him even more if his 'prey' is unwilling to accept his advances and therefore plays hard to get.The pursuit excites men. Forget what men say about women playing hard to get...that mature women don't play hard to get. Lies! Women should play hard to get and men were born to expect that. However, a woman shouldn't play hard to get for too long because he will get tired and give up on that seemingly elusive chase.

So here you are. Independent woman. Go-getter. You spot a man whom you like and would love to have a relationship with. But he doesn't seem to notice or want you as you would like him to. Should you ask him out?

It all depends on your reasons. If you asked a man out strictly for sex, few men would turn that offer down. That's casual. It is easy. It usually comes with no strings attached. Any gender can therefore make the first move towards a casual relationship.

And should you approach a man and ask him out with the intention of starting a serious relationship with him?

No. But you could give him hints to show him that you are interested in him and that you are available.Try teasing and flirting with him. Give him that extra ticket so that he can accompany you to a show. However, do not try too hard because it will make you seem desperate and that will put him off. If he likes you he will take the lead from you and initiate a relationship. If he is not interested in asking you out after all your efforts, please move on.

Here are the reasons why women should generally not ask men out with the intention of starting a relationship;

Unrequited love

You probably feel really nice having that man. You love him so much that you cannot imagine being with anyone else. But he doesn't feel the same way about you. That's why he doesn't call you back. He doesn't respond to your messages. He just doesn't treat you as well as a man in love should. He's not the problem. That relationship is the problem. He feels a bit odd being in a relationship which he did not initiate. Men are programmed to perform the wooing game and the relationship you started lacks that. How will you correct it? Break up with him and let him come after you. If he doesn't, let him be. No one deserves to be in a one-sided relationship.

Rejection

When a woman approaches a man, she expects a positive response. If the man turns her down she will get bitter. She will feel hurt and rejected. He sure will not be playing hard to get. When a man says no to the relationship you hoped to have with him he means just that. His response is final. She cannot keep pursuing him unless she intends to be a stalker and that's unfortunately how women who approach men end up being...stalkers. She becomes possessive and obsessed with someone she cannot have. If a woman wants to stay sane she should not approach a man if she cannot stand a negative response from him.

Get ready to pay the bills alone

By the dating rules, the one who asks the other out pays the bills. You do not want to start what you cannot keep up with. He could be disinterested but anytime you ask him out the bill will be on you. Most people don't say no to a free meal. And if you move in together in marriage or as live-ins you still will take care of the bills because he thinks since you approached him then you should take care of the bills too. In other words you have emasculated him.Well, I'm sure some women will not mind handling all his bills, but don't you whine about how the finances were all on you when it all ends. Let's not hear a woman mourn over how ungrateful a man was for not appreciating the financial efforts she made to make the relationship work.Love cannot be bribed or bought. And the irony of it all is expecting such a spoonfed man to pay child-support!

She ends up with a man who doesn't want to commit

She approached him and he couldn't say no just because he did not want to hurt her. He hoped they would break up soon afterwards but years are rolling on and they even have a child or children together but he's just playing along. He still doesn't want to hurt her but he cannot commit either. She caught him off-guard when she asked him out, he will never be ready to have anything serious with her.

Ladies, have you ever met a man who swore he wasn't ever going to get married when you were dating but as soon as you break up he marries the next lady within months? Yes. Approach a man and watch years pass with no ring.

You get married but he's still not committed to you

He feels as if there's someone out there for him. He did not choose you so he believes he could do better. Committing to you only doesn't make sense to him. You simply were not his choice. Ever heard a man say he was trapped? You would think he made a decision to be with you but he made that decision because he did not want to hurt you. So he proposed. You got married. But even marriage cannot confine a man who doesn't want to be in it. So he will keep on being uncommitted to you until you quit and he goes free to pursue someone whom he really wants. He will not mourn over that lost marriage because he never valued it...easy come, easy go.

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    • Mary Florence profile image
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      Mary Florence 2 months ago

      Thank you. And I agree with you. I mean if he accepts your advances and the relationship is working then this is the paragraph (in my article) where your relationship falls in because seems he's enjoying the relationship;

      "And should you approach a man and ask him out with the intention of starting a serious relationship with him?

      No. But you could give him hints to show him that you are interested in him and that you are available.Try teasing and flirting with him. Give him that extra ticket so that he can accompany you to a show. However, do not try too hard because it will make you seem desperate and that will put him off. If he likes you he will take the lead from you and initiate a relationship. If he is not interested in asking you out after all your efforts, please move on."

      LimeyFeline, may your twelve years with your partner, sum up to a lot more years of happiness.

    • LimeyFeline profile image

      LimeyFeline 2 months ago

      I'm not sure I agree with anything you've written here. It kind of sounds the men you've written about aren't even worth asking out or dating, because the man you are referring to doesn't want to be with the woman who did the asking. If the man really wants to be with her, why would he reject her advancements? It doesn't make sense. I've (a woman) had someone turn me down once because he wasn't into me. No biggie, at least he was honest. Met someone else later, asked him out, been going strong for over twelve years.

      As for who picks up checks on a date, I would pay for the whole thing in a heartbeat if I were the one doing the asking, that's just common courtesy. If he wants to split, I'd gladly do that too. When it comes to bills, as in rent and utilities, I'll always split equally between people living in the housing unit. That's the fair thing to do! You use the water, you pay for it. Why should the burden fall on any one person? Of course, this is assuming everyone in the household as a job. I wouldn't know how to split up responsibilities in an situation when I don't have a job, but I don't plan to ever be jobless.

      I understand that my lifestyle isn't suitable for everyone. But this is what works for me and I'm completely loving life and my relationship.

    • Mary Florence profile image
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      Mary Florence 2 months ago

      Yes, exactly.When people talk about succesful marriages they want to measure that with time. So your marriage is as good as the length of time you have been together. And it's wrong.

      True, dating doesn't have to lead to marriage. There are people who date just for fun. No long term goals. But if one of the people was expecting marriage he/she will be disappointed if it doesn't happen. I imagine a man would be disappointed too if the woma he wanted to marry wasn't keen on marriage.

      You say men like when they are asked out by an attractive woman. I think so too. Just something casual. No pressure. You meet she pays she goes. She knows he likes that. So she keeps doing it and it ends up being something serious although not mutual and he will start complaining about 'mothering' 'clingy' 'bossy' 'wearing the pants'. If a woman must ask a man out then she better have a strategy. I'd advice a woman to do it just once and go missing until he contacts her and if he doesn't she shouldn't contact him. That's gone. On that date, she should give the man such a great time that he decides to ask her out on subsequent dates.

      And no, women don't look down on women who go after the men they want. We say 'go for your man , girl!' That's the advice I was giving when I was younger. But I've come to realise that it's really bad advice. Most people, even women, are put off by people who come too strong. It's all about strategy. But it's better when the man takes the lead.

    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 2 months ago

      "Not getting divorced doesn't mean the couple is happy..."

      I agree with you Mary. And yet whenever anyone hears about a couple who has been married for 30, 40, or 50 years people ask them: "What is the secret to your (successful) marriage?"

      As a society when it comes to marriage we gage success by how long a couple stays together. Odds are if we counted the "emotionally divorced" our true divorce rate would be around 70%. Lots couples learn to go along to get along.

      Ultimately when it comes down to you asking a guy out, paying the bill and calling him.... It all comes down to whether he's "into you" or not. Everyone makes "exceptions" for people they're hot for! They may sex on the first date with one but not with others.

      In a world with over 7 Billion people certainly there are guys who would love to be pursued by women (they) find attractive.

      Even women reject men they find unattractive.

      "very few women are willing to ask a man out because we prefer when he pursues us and wants us because he "chose us". - Therein lies the crust of this issue.

      If women really (wanted) to end this tradition they could do so just as they did with having premarital sex and cohabitating with men. Women also look down on other women who are willing to pursue a man they want.

      The truth of the matter is most relationships fail!

      We all date more people, kiss more people, and have sex with more people than we'll ever marry. Sometimes we know early on that a relationship is just for fun or temporary. However most times you won't know if they are "the one" until you've invested time getting to know them. Too many women believe anything short of marriage is a failed relationship. Dating can be fun!

    • Mary Florence profile image
      Author

      Mary Florence 2 months ago

      Not getting divorced doesn't mean the couple is happy Dashingscorpio. People can stay married in unhappy marriages for a century, even if it's bad for them. I recently read an article about a certain celebrity who was married to an 'enduring woman' whom he admits he took through hell but she stayed. Some people quit on bad marriages some don't. Sticking in a bad marriage only means you can endure hard times, nothing more. To outsiders, it means your marriage is working but it really isn't because you are enduring it, not enjoying it.

      I mean, a woman asking a man out means she doesn't mind taking the lead. The man will like it because it eases him the burden of having to make decisions about where to go, who should pay the bills...she's got it! But it's not uncommon for a man to complain about "who's the man in this relationship?" Men still do not like it when she handles everything. But her asking him out is the first tap that set the ball rolling. It's a symbolic gesture. She thinks he likes it. I can bet he does like it it - but only as far as she handles the finances. We are in the modern times but men still want a modern traditional woman. True or false?

      A woman asking him out just once is fine. If she wants a casual relationship, she will get it. But if she wants a serious relationship she better let him take the lead. Let him ask her out first. She could send him subtle signs screaming "I'm interested in you" but she shouldn't go asking him out directly. Your gender, Dashingscorpio is still in shock about us women going after what we want, you guys are still trying to adjust. It's a bit too much. If I took on a 'male role' today and asked a man out, paid the bill, called him after the date he could block me for being 'clingy', or 'needy' or 'desperate'. Most men would say they like when a woman takes the lead in theory but when they really experience it they seem to prefer the conservative approach.

      I do not mean that if the woman proposes the marriage would definitely be doomed but chances are high that it would be. Infact most relationships where the women took the lead do not even lead to marriage and very few women are willing to ask a man out because we prefer when he pursues us and wants us because he "chose us". I guess the old habits die hard. The man asking the woman out is what both men and women are used to and anything else is just odd. Some things will never change. He might still

      not commit to the woman

      even if he asked her out first, I guess it hurts less if he made the first move. It's normal.

      And about the other woman knowing he's married and the wife not knowing or knowing out his double life, both women probably don't know about his other girlfriends. Strange world.

    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 2 months ago

      "Divorce would not be higher or lower if women proposed because men are notorious for faking a whole relationship or marriage." - This proves my point.

      It really doesn't matter who pursues whom if the results are going to be the same!

      You are right about men not seeking divorces.

      According to a survey AARP once conducted (women) initiate 66% or 2/3rds of all divorces in the U.S.

      It should also be noted divorced men tend to (remarry) sooner than divorced women. Apparently they see benefits.

      I suspect some of it has to do with some women discovering marriage isn't the "fairytale" they had imagined it would be since their childhood.

      Another factor is women of today have higher incomes and better careers than those of past generations.

      The more options one has the less crap they will put up with!

      As for cheating and leading "double lives" most people cheat in order to hold onto all that is "good" in their marriage while addressing their other "needs" on the side. They're not looking to (replace) one relationship with another.

      Imagine a 40 something year old married man with three children. His wife has gone through menopause and has lost all interest in having sex. They've had discussions and tried a few different things but eventually she withdrew.

      From his point of view he has three options.

      1. Accept the fact his sex life is over!

      2. Run down to the courthouse to file for divorce, move out of his home into a one bedroom condo, become a weekend dad, pay child support and possibly alimony, divide up assets as well as friends and family who will choose sides.

      3. Find a woman who doses want to have sex with him.

      Since most cheaters don't expect to get caught they go with option #3. It's their way of getting everything they want.

      While it's a "double life" from the wife's point of view more often than not "the other woman" is fully aware he's married.

      In fact these days there are dating sites and apps specifically designed for men & women looking to cheat.

    • Mary Florence profile image
      Author

      Mary Florence 2 months ago

      Divorce would not be higher or lower if women proposed because men are notorious for faking a whole relationship or marriage. Most men would rather live double lives than divorce their wives hence " a man will never leave his wife..." Instead, there would be more men in marriages they do not want. More "married but available men". Women making the first move or proposing is just one of the reasons why relationships fail...it's definitely not the only reason.

    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 2 months ago

      Each year in the U.S. there are approximately 2.3 million weddings and in most instances they take place after (men) have proposed. It's also been said the divorce rate hoovers around 50%. Do you believe it would be higher if (women) proposed?

      In all honesty there are some marriages that take place after (women) give men ultimatums. These women may not consider themselves as "proposing" but essentially an ultimatum is saying: "Marry me or else I'm leaving you!"

      (That's an arm twisting proposal!)

      As for timing, these days very few couples get married due to an unplanned pregnancy thus explains the popular terms:

      "Baby Momma" and "Baby Daddy".

      You said the following:

      "There are many reasons why relationships and marriages fail and every relationship and marriage is different....etc

      However you'd be hard pressed to go beyond the big three.

      1. Choosing the wrong mate. ( They're too incompatible)

      2. A "deal breaker" was committed in the eyes of someone.

      3. Fell out of love over time/stopped wanting the same things.

    • Mary Florence profile image
      Author

      Mary Florence 2 months ago

      Thank you Dashingscorpio.

      Well, true. But sometimes the timing could be determined by a pregnancy they both want to do the "right thing " and so they get married. Commitments can either be by default or by design no matter how old a man or woman is but how it started matters. If it started with an aggressive approach by the woman I doubt if it will work, the man's age notwithstanding. I imagine men want to be in control and in charge and taking that from her when the relationship has progressed is impossible. The next worst thing the lady can do is to initiate the marriage ideas. The best thing she can do is to let him propose when he is ready, when he wants to, without pressure. She will in that case be handing him the 'power to be in charge'. There are many reasons why relationships and marriages fail and every relationship and marriage is different, but in this case if the man just

      found himself in it because she made it happen I doubt if he will ever commit. I can't imagine the many plans he will have in his mind on how to break free from her.

      It's true that commitment is about behaviour but a ring and a marriage(wedding) are traditions that stamp that. When a man is serious about a woman, he is expected to marry her and place a ring on her finger - then back all that up with his behaviour. That ring and a marriage cannot be downplayed but I agree without commitment it means nothing.

      And I would also love to know what you think about playing hard to get.