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Recovery: Straight Women Who Married Gay Husbands

Updated on April 19, 2012

"I have been in the life but God delivered me," is what he said. "I love you and want to marry you." How is it that someone can say that to you and caress you lovingly and you believe them? Well, my ex-husband did. And I believed him.

A friend of mine started a church and I would often see my ex in passing while at the church. We never talked that much. I remember when he made his move. My sisters and I were in concert. He sat throughout the concert with a blank stare the entire time, still he remained afterwards and said he wanted to pray with us. He told us how God was going to use us mightily and he declared his support of us. My sisters dismissed it, but I didn't want him to feel that we were high-and-mighty and didn't appreciate his support so I called him. The rest is history.

What makes a straight woman marry a gay man? I've heard women lament they didn't know he was gay. From others, I've heard that they sensed something was wrong but never caught him. So how do you know? My dear friend and supporter, Bonnie Kaye who has done extensive research and written books on the matter, compiled a list of signs. I'll share a few that were evident in my marriage.

There is a decline of sexual activity early in your marriage that never picks up again.

I remember our wedding night. I remember putting on my Christian Dior lingerie, looking forward to consummating our marriage. He said, "Baby, I know you're tired. We don't have to have sex tonight. We have a lifetime to do that." I was disappointed and taken aback but decided to laugh and eat wedding cake and hors d'oeuvres from the wedding reception. I wish I could say things got better, but our life together was like a roller coaster ride. At first, having sex with him felt so awkward. He was trying too hard. Stuck on justifying it, I rationalized that it was our first time and things would get better with time. What happened the next morning, however, left me with doubts. I awakened and began to spoon him, kissing him and caressing him tenderly. He slowly began to turn over and I waited with baited breath. The look in his eyes could have frozen the sun. He said through clenched teeth, "I told you this wasn't going to be fairy tale or a soap opera. We ain't gonna be having sex every day." Then he slowly turned back over.

He is turned-off by normal sexual activity and accuses you of being oversexed, aggressive, or a nymphomaniac when you have normal sexual needs.

I'm sure that most of you would have high-tailed it out of the bed, out of the city and out of the marriage. Me? I was deeply hurt. I sat in the parking lot shaken. Did i just make the biggest mistake of my life, I whispered. Contemplating my next move, I returned to the hotel room. He was apologetic as he explained the reasons for his earlier response. He said he thought so highly of me and my behavior just came across a little...well... whorish.

His sexual performance is more mechanical than passionate with a lack of satisfying foreplay.

This was true in beginning. As time went on, things got better. So good in fact that I looked forward to intimacy... and looked and looked and looked but our intimate times became few and far between. This was almost crueller than cruel. Where does that leave you? You don't want to have an extramarital affair. But the object of your desire doesn't want to be with you. Torture! It got to the point that after having sex, I would worry if it was the last time. He was so distant and quiet afterwards. He didn't want to be near me. If I reached out to caress his face or tried to kiss him, he'd either grab my hands and turn his face so I'd kiss his cheek or tell me he was just too tired. As time went on, I realized that the passion I experienced was simply the adrenalin of him feeling forced to do something so unnatural for him. It was hell for him. It was hell for me.

You find pop-ups of gay pornography on the computer while he claims they are not his.

Usually, he would lock his computer; but there was an occasion where he gave me his password to take care of a business matter. I was in shock and awe when I saw on his Favorites one gay porn site after another. He looked surprised and vehemently denied that the sites were his. He claimed that a recent guest must have gone to those sites and that he would reprimand him severely for that.

Another was when I walked up on him unexpectedly. He looked startled at first but told me the reason was he didn't want me to know that he was shopping for hardware to help him keep an erection. He even invited me to look at the different cock rings to help him decide what would be the best fit. It felt so unnatural and weird to scroll through penis after penis with your husband.

His ego appears to be boosted by compliments from gay men or he makes too many gay comments in conversations

He was a walking reference book of all things gay, from gay celebrities to gay church members to all the gay news and gay gossip. Although he seemed most attracted to manly or good-looking men, there always seemed to be someone effeminate always hanging around. The cu-de-gra for me was when I went upstairs to clean up the guest bathroom and saw that a friend of his had been leaving toiletries and other personal belongings as if he was slowly moving in. I just about lost it! I hadn't agreed to a boarder. I saw the way my husband looked at him and was attentive to him in ways that he wasn't with me. Seeing his things made the bad witch take center stage. No um-um way was I gonna allow that.

So what have I learned from this experience? I learned a lot of lessons but nothing more important than the importance of making emotional deposits into our childrens' love tanks. Fatherless sons make angry men and fatherless daughters make desperate women. I've often seen fathers in the home who give orders to their girls but don't give them affection. I don't know what happens between them being doting fathers when their daughters are little girls to them becoming drill sargeants when they become teenagers. I don't know why that is. Why he'll tell her how pretty she is in her frilly dress and patent leather shoes to him telling her she looks like a streetwalker when she wears an outfit he doesn't approve of. Criticism from her father drains a daughter's love tank of self esteem like nothing else. It makes her vulnerable to the first man who pays attention.

The issue wasn't that my husband was gay. I have met some good-hearted gay men whom I hold in high regard. The reason I do however is the courage they have to live authentically. Regardless to whether a man is heterosexual, homosexual, a-sexual b-sexual or whatever-sexual, I cannot knowingly have a deceiver as a friend. Let me tell you what I've seen. I've seen women dismiss their intuition. She'll dismiss the ummmmmm feeling when she observes passing glances between her man and other men in church. Then when they go out to eat--which is what we church folks do--there she is, sitting on the sidelines while he's laughing, touching repeatedly and overly attentive with another man. Though something inside says "that's odd," she tries to play it off, laughing occasionally and looking like it's okay. Despite this, she'll walk down the aisle and marry him. I can talk about it because I was that woman. And I have to be a voice for those women who carry the shame inside. Another lesson learned? Don't ever dismiss your intuition.

I can't speak on behalf of the gay husband because I don't know what that's like. I do know however how it feels to be a straight wife and to survive it. I just want any woman out there who reads this to know you can survive it. You can get yourself back. You can recover.

Do you believe that people are born gay? (Feel free to add your comments)

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    • rosesmith13 profile image

      rosesmith13 3 years ago

      My name is Rose Smith from united states of america. I never believed in love spells or magic until i met this spell caster once when i went to Africa in February this year on a business summit. I meant a man who’s name is DR.MADURAI he is really powerful and could help cast spells to bring back one’s gone, lost, misbehaving lover and magic money spell or spell for a good job or luck spell .I’m now happy & a living testimony cos the man i had wanted to marry left me 3 weeks before our wedding and my life was upside down cos our relationship has been on for 3years. I really loved him, but his mother was against us and he had no good paying job. So when i met this spell caster, i told him what happened and explained the situation of things to him. At first i was undecided, skeptical and doubtful, but i just gave it a try. And in 7 days when i returned to Canada, my boyfriend (now husband) called me by himself and came to me apologizing that everything had been settled with his mom and fa

    • Levertis Steele profile image

      Levertis Steele 4 years ago from Southern Clime

      I wonder why some gay men marry women. Denial? Hiding behind women to appear straight? Whatever the reason, it is wrong.

      This is useful information, and I hope that it will help someone to avoid making the same mistake. For the women who have already made the mistake, I hope this hub will help them to heal.

    • profile image

      Emily 4 years ago

      Thank you Dr Shiva you are the best spell caster that i have ever seen in my life the spell you casted for me have work very perfectly my ex boyfriend who live me for over 3week now is back and apologizing for me to come back to him that he is very sorry for the pain he cost me and i am so happy Doctor your spell is nice and make me fill alive again i will keep sharing you good work all over the world about the good spell you cast for me to get John back and i will also give your email address to everybody who is in need of help like you told me that you can cast a spell to bring ex back, Money spell, Protection spell, lotto spell, Good job spell, pregnant spell, Love spell, and many other spell you told me you can cast for me if i need them i hope you will find a place to help other so they can give testimonies like me Doctor Shiva please help others many people are having problem try to get help from people but they is nobody like you to help them solve there problem like you do Dr Shiva if anyone need the help of this nice man contact him via this email hinduspelltemple@yahoo.com best regards to Dr Shiva your child Emily from usa

    • profile image

      sandra 4 years ago

      "I never believed in spell casting or Magic. I felt silly even looking at spell sites online. I have been in tears over the loss of my job of 4 years and my husband of 2. I lost both in the SAME MONTH. I found you guys surfing late one night and I have no idea why I searched "spells" but I did. I ordered a love spell and got a free wealth and prosperity spell with it. One week went by and I thought...There wasn't any hope for my spells. The next Tuesday I went to bingo (alone) and hit a $3,700 pot. The week after that an old college boyfriend called and we have been seeing each other since. The $24.95 I spent on my spells came back to me with (extreme interest). Thanksto voodoo.u can contact him @ his private mail, VOODOOSPIRITUALTEMPLE@YAHOOMAIL.COM

    • profile image

      lovely 4 years ago

      My Name is lovely..I never believed in Love Spells or Magics until I met this special spell caster once when i went to Africa to Execute some business..He is really powerful.The woman i wanted to marry left me 3 weeks to our weeding ceremony and my life was upside down.she was with me for 3 years and i really love her so much..she left me for another man with no reason..when i called her she never picked up my calls and she don’t want to see me around her…so,when i told the man what happened.he helped me to do some readings,and after the readings he made me to realize that the other man has done some spells over my wife and that is the reason why she left me..he told me he will help me to cast a spell that bring her back.At first i was skeptical but i just gave it a try…In 2 days,she called me herself and came to me apologizing..I cant believe she can ever come back to me again EMAIL boomaspiritualtemple@yahoo.com

    • profile image

      sabi 4 years ago

      you are really the best Dr. Antogai ever since my husband left me and my kids i have been trying different online spell caster and i did not see any result until a friend of my gave me your contact number that i should call you that you are going to be able to help me. The first time you told me what i have to do i thought you were the same as the other so called spell caster but i just have to give it a trier which i did and after you have done the casting of the spell i start seeing changes as my husband send gift to my kids and also wrote a letter that he was going to come back home very soon i was so surprise and now we are back together again thank you antogaispelltemple@yahoo.com

    • Suzette Hinton profile image
      Author

      Suzette Vearnon 4 years ago from Raleigh

      Thank you, Mary, for your comment. There are more of us out there than are willing to admit it. For so many years, I knew something was off but didn't know how to honor my intuition so I was easily talked out of it. If there was no evidence, I could be manipulated. Ignorance is not bliss...lol. Your story and my story offers hope to women who feel like they will never recover.

    • profile image

      mary 4 years ago

      i just wanted to say your article is interesting, i was married to a gay man for almost 18 years, always knew somethin was wrong, i got married very young, 21 because of an abusive home life, my husband was older, i asked him if he was gay before we got married and he said no, he hates gay people which i found very odd as his response, he was very defensive. after a very long, lonely marriage with very little sex and no pleasure for me i confronted him finally and told him i was not happy and i think something is wrong and we should go to counselling, it turns out that in counselling he admitted to being molested by men very young while his mother was away and also admitted to going to gay bars and having gay affairs. after admitting to all this he still claimed not to be gay and wanting to stay in the marriage. i was devestated and disgusted and felt our whole marriage was based on a lie. i felt like i gave my best years to a liar and cheat. needless to say the counselor felt like he was in denial of his sexuality since his family was irish and strict catholic. i divorced him then and have been remarried for the last 10 years to a wonderful man who actually cares so much about me and giving me pleasure, now i know what a real man and marriage is. i dont really understand " the nanny" and her ex being best friends after he admitted to being gay and gettin married to her. i feel that these men know they are gay and trick us women into thinkin there is something more. to me its just not right. my ex is still a compulsive liar today and still sleeping with men and claiming he is straight

    • Suzette Hinton profile image
      Author

      Suzette Vearnon 5 years ago from Raleigh

      Thank you so much Soul-Guru-Dawn for your words of encouragement. Actually, I've been dating a great guy for a little over a year now. I've got to write a hub about it so that people see that doing the work is so worth it. It's one of the healthiest if not thee healthiest relationship I've ever had with a romantic partner.

    • Suzette Hinton profile image
      Author

      Suzette Vearnon 5 years ago from Raleigh

      Thanks Janikon. If it can help one woman who is suffering in silence or in shame come out of the closet, regardless to whether her husband or ex does, and reclaim her life, then it was worth it.

    • janikon profile image

      Stuart A Jeffery 5 years ago from Toronto, Ontario

      Very interesting hub. I am sorry that you had to go through that.