Redefine Arguments with your Significant Loved One
When you argue with your significant other, usually it ends in a tangled mess that has everyone wondering what the argument was in the first place. Sometimes it ends in an emotional battlefield where love mines are everywhere, and only one will win. The word argument is defined as an exchange of diverging or opposite views, typically a heated or angry one. This definition alone should tell us that couples should not have arguments like that. I challenge everyone right now who has a loved one to redefine arguments in your relationship and here is how.
Have you ever had a past discussion that resulted in extended amounts of arguing over issues that could be resolved if you simply took a moment to hear each other’s feelings? Have you ever found your relationship flipped upside down, left and right, and back up right again over a goofy issue? Have you ever found your arguments heated? Ever wanted to fix that? I have developed an Argument Policy or the I.P.D.R. Steps to Resolving an Argument (Indicate, Prepare, Discuss, Resolve). It is simple and is a better definition for arguments in relationships!
Arguments are shared and necessary in a relationship that is meant to be successful. Disagreements do not occur frequently, but when they often do, the conversation ends up trying to see who is right in the argument. When it comes to arguing, we must know that because we both love each other, and want the best for each other, then both of our arguments are correct. Though that may not make sense in our head, in our heart it does. Therefore, arguing over issues in such a manner that can cause tears in the relationship have no benefit at all. Instating a policy on arguments and disagreements will help the relationship bloom to the next step.
Indicate the Argument
When an argument is occurring, you must both be able to identify when you are arguing because either two things will happen to cause argument blindness 1) One says something in a way that creates a fierce debate 2) Both of you are arguing without realizing it. Taking the first step and recognizing that a disagreement or argument is occurring is a positive thing. Once an indication is made that an argument or disagreement needs to resolve in a kind and loving manner, then a discussion must occur. Indicate that there is an argument and that a discussion is needed by grabbing the hands of the other person and saying their name and ask “can we discuss this instead?”. Due to the bad reputation of the “we need to talk” phrase, let’s try to refrain from that as the indicator as it is better to ask than demand.
Prepare to Discuss
To know whether an analysis on the disagreement is necessary at that time, both of you need to hold hands before and during the conversation. If you cannot hold hands before the discussion (whether mentally or physically) then the argument must be held at another time when the communication has dedicated time. An argument should never occur in a public forum, but having a pleasant discussion about the situation in a semi-private manner is ideal. If you cannot discuss now, you must hug it out for about a minute, kiss, share affection, and move the discussion to another time. Understand that not talking about the situation will not resolve the situation, so a discussion cannot be avoided and must occur within the same day.
Have a Discussion
When having a discussion, both of your hands must be held together to show a symbolic bond between you that the relationship is more important than the individual selves at that moment. By holding hands, you are both agreeing that you need to discuss what you disagree on at that moment. It is ideal to sit facing each other giving each other undivided attention. The order of conversation will begin with the person who indicated there was an argument or disagreement. They will share their feelings at that moment and will be given as much time needed to share why they disagree. The other person will then state their side and will be given as much time needed to share their viewpoint. During the discussion, all communication will be done in a kind and heartwarming voice. No anger. While discussing the issue at hand, because of your high respect for each other, everything told is the truth and will be the truth as both your hands are together. If during the conversation your hands become apart then something wrong occurred in the conversation that lost the other person and a reconnection needs to happen. If the discussion needs to be moved to another time, that is always allowed. It is best to cool down an argument if needed by hugging the other person or taking a breather. The purpose of debate is to agree that both of you are right no matter how much you may disagree. The purpose of the argument is to hear each other's side to the story, understand why there was a disconnection, how a reconnection will occur, and what to do to prevent something from happening. The purpose of discussing is to encourage each other to openly tell each other things that may be bothering someone with the other person’s actions or thoughts. Having a disagreement is not harmful or detrimental to the relationship. You are both two different people wanting one day to become one person (or already are married). Discussing with each other on how you want to perfect the relationship is healthy. Yelling at each other or causing tears of sadness is not healthy. By talking to each other rather than argue, you agree to disagree.
Find a Resolution
When a reconnection is made, both of you understand where you lost connection for a split second. You improve each other and oneself to the point where you are both confident with the situation. If needed apologies are in order. Kissing and hugging it out is a loving sign that the argument has come to a resolution and both of you have shared your ideas and how you feel about a situation.
The New Definition
If you take a loving approach to arguments then you will find a positive growth in communication and love within your relationship. Yelling or pitching a fit will not pave a strong road in a relationship. Redefine what arguing is in a relationship and become the strong couple you bothe deserve to be. Being in a relationship is a dance that can only be successful if you move to the same beat. Remember to follow the acronym I.P.D.R. when you are having an argument:
- Indicate the Argument
- Prepare a Discussion
- Discuss the Argument
- Resolve the Argument