- Gender and Relationships»
- Relationship Problems & Advice
Today as I was driving I saw a woman walking that looked like an older version of myself, behind me was a woman in car with a dog and "love is darkness" was playing on my Sirius XM satelite radio. You're probably wondering what all this has to with this article and how it ties together. Well, signs and love.
As a spell caster, I never tell people that what they're asking for may be the wrong thing. When they ask for a love spell it is not my right to tell them what they should be looking for or that it may be wrong. They've asked me to cast it so I do. I have to say if it doesn't work or rather doesn't work they way they think it should then it may be due to what they were asking for was either not right or at the wrong time or with the wrong person. Many people ask for spells to be cast to get back a lost love without ever considering the person may be married, living with someone or happily engaged. Or worse dead. In that situation, what they ask for more than likely will not come true and if by some chance it does it's not likely to last and they've just messed up two lives, their own and that of someone else. In that situation, even though the spell was cast with good intentions(white magick was practiced) it can turn black, dark and ugly with bad karma coming back to the person who wanted the ill fitted spell cast. These are some of the things that people don't think about and often times don't care about.
There was a time that neither did I. The only repercussion I suffered was not getting the man I wanted but it could have been worse and sometimes it is for others.
But people get lonely, they want companionship and sometimes they don't think about anything else except wanting to share their life with someone and they really don't care how it comes about as long as it does. As long as their loneliness and fear of never finding the right someone goes away. It doesn't matter if that someone belongs to someone else as long as he/she comes to them.
I don't consider this right but I don't judge either.
This brings me to the reflection aprt of the equation. What happens when you get that someone and it isn't what you hoped for? Do you end it in favor of finding someone better suited? Ideally, that is the way to handle it before either of you get too entangled. But what if that just isn't an option? Maybe you now have kids and feel they are better off with two parents which by the way they are better off than with two people that are miserable. What if neither of you can face being alone again? The loneliness is just too much to bear which is also not a good reason to stay together. But if you've chosen that path it's not for me to judge.
Now that you're in it and don't want to end it but feel you're in a bear trap. How do you get out of the trap and stay in the relationship at the same time. Especially, if you feel the relationship is the problem. Often times it's not although it can way heavily on the circumstances.
There are no easy solutions to this problem. If you are now at the crossroads and don't want to take separate paths for whatever reason it's now time to figure out what you are going to do.
What if the two of you are on separate paths? The path that one of you has chosen or have been cast into is not ideal and not one your partner likes or approves of. What can you do in a situation like this? Without splitting up.
Let me give you an example: A friend(Donna) and her husband are at somewhat of a crossroads if you will. Donna is taking care of her recently deceased father's estate without any help as she is an only child. Finances have prevented her from hiring counsel so she has taken on the formidable task on her own. This has meant going to the clerk of court, contacting attorney's(as she has to file in another state and can't do without counsel in that state), contacting many banks and in many cases having to find branches for those banks, sometimes a hundred miles away, because the banks will not cooperate any other way and have refused to give out information without she step into a branch. The clerk of court expects her to depend on the few testementary letters(letters of adiministration) and refuses to give more out. For those of you unfamiliar with how probate works, banks and other institutions will not accept copies. To make matters worse the attorney's in the other state will only see her in their office. This has left Donna not only having to travel to the other state approximately 800 miles away but having to travel to the banks she can find branches close enough to her but none are in her town. This has put a tremendous amount of stress on her and her relationship as her husband simply doesn't understand.
I remember the time when my own mother had to take care of her mother(my grandmother) and she had to stay with her, this left my dad not only mad and angry but dealing with it by drinking himself into a stupor. In fact, it brought our family to a point of almost fist fighting. Some of the horrible fighting occuring right in front of my grandmother and although my grandmother was unable to walk around or get around and could barely speak we all knew how it affected her when she started crying. It wasn't just hard on the family it was hard on my grandmother who had always taken care of herself.
These things unfortunately, can bring on tremendous amounts of stress on family and certainly a relationship. They do end but what about the damage that has been done in the process?
In my case my dad expected my mother to desert my grandmother because he thought he should come first. Believe me he wasn't the first man to think this way and he certainly will not be the last. This was extremely short sighted and unrealistic not to mention to a degree selfish. I say to a degree because it isn't unreasonable that he felt she should be with him but on the other hand he should have been mature enough to accept the situation and deal with it like a man.
In Donna's case it always reverts back to the same old argument about how Alan tried to make Donna's father set it up so she wouldn't have to go through this when he passed away. Unfortunately, this too is short sighted because blaming a dead man get him nowhere. Gets them nowhere. Granted, had Donna's father been more proactive she wouldn't be in the mess she's in now. Things would have been so much easier. But beating that old dead horse over and over again still gets them the same result. Donna's father is dead and he can't come back from the grave to fix it. Because he's dead this same old dead horse can be continually beaten again and again only nothing will change and that's precisely why it's a good one to beat.
If you keep beating the same issue that can't be fixed for whatever reason then you have the perfect issue as an excuse that can be beaten. In reality, what this means is you have a lifetime to beat this issue. It will always be there. If you can find nothing else to beat that issue will always be there to fall back on.
Another issue is Alan thinking he knows it all and that Donna should do things the way he says do them. Donna is not a little girl. If she were this wouldn't be an issue yet he tries to tell her how to do things because quite frankly he thinks he's smarter than she is and points this out by telling her how high his IQ is. In the big scheme of things this doesn't mean anything.
He can't understand why the banks she's written to haven't responded on Alan's timetable of course and jumps on to her for it. This isn't something she has any control over. Again Alan points out that he went through it with both his parents therefore he's in a much better position to tell her how to handle her dad's estate business.
There are a few other issues that Donna knows she should work on. She likes to talk alot sometimes to excess. Alan likes the quiet and solitude and noise(her talking too much, the dog barking, the cats bothering him, the neighbor coming down, the computer not running fast enough, Donna talking about problems she's having with her dad's estate or other problems, etc.) are all annoyances to Alan. Donna can't control some of this stuff but she can control talking too much and can keep her mouth shut about the problems. Unfortunately, Alan has always been one of those people that thought of problems as drama and he hates drama. Therefore talking about a problem is too much drama.
He's into the peace, tranquility, meditation and spirituality realm. There is nothing wrong with this except he wants silence and peace one hundred percent of the time. That means no talking about problems and keeping quiet. Except when he wants to voice the things that annoy him. He blames her for his agitation and that makes him smoke. He has the classic blame syndrome, the one my own Mother(God rest her soul) had. She blamed everyone except herself and refused to take responsibility for her own actions and never did. As far as she was concerned other people were to blame. That eased her conscience because she couldn't quit even when she knew it was killing her.
There are a number of issues with these two. Alan berates her for not being quiet enough or not doing things correctly(his way). She's too caught up with the estate. Honestly, it needs to take backseat but you can't tell the clerk of court he/she has to take backseat. It doesn't work this way. They are to a large degree on opposite sides when it comes to religion, spirituality, health and children(he wants them, she is in her forties and thinks she's too old and that they have too many financial problems, no health insurance, etc.) I will not go into Alan being married eight times. I'll let the readers put whatever interpretation they see fit on to that one.
The big question that looms here is overcoming these issues. I would start with marital counseling although I'm not sure Donna would consider it. They both have to come to a center point and agree they both have issues that need to be overcame for them to have lasting, healthy relationship. The next thing is acceptance. They both have to accept each others differences and take responsibility for their part in this relationship. They have to accept each other exactly as they are and not try to change the other although healthy changes don't really count.
Alan has to quit beating the same dead horse. He shouldn't tell her has no interest in the estate problems even if he doesn't. And understand that life comes with problems and sometimes those problems create drama where you want none. This is a fact of life and you must accept it.
Donna must realize it is hard on Alan, all the problems that have been created by her dad passing away and leaving things in shambles.
The unfortunate problem of beating the dead horse in this case is that it brings up all the grief, anger, sadness, all the emotions that come with losing a loved one, over and over again and every time the dead horse gets beaten these same emotions, the ones that reared all of their ugly heads with the passing of her father come to rear their ever more ugly heads once more and it's all the time.
This is a vicious cycle that keeps repeating itself. If you happen to be on a similar cycle, know that this is an ugly merry go round that you will never get off of until the person beating the horse stops beating the horse. Round and round you go as the saying goes, the loop will continue uniterrupted until you get off of it. My advice in a situation like this is to start by getting off first, if the other person refuses to get off, suggest counseling to help him/her get off, if he/she refuses or it doesn't help then you must seriously consider ending the relationship or it will destroy you.
I don't mean just losing a loved one, it can be anything that causes grief or deep sadness. You must face it head on and try to get the other person to face it too.
There are no easy answers to difficult relationships. You can seek counsel from your pastor or a therapist but you need to seek it from one of them. If you can't agree on who is the best and can't come to a compromise if neither of you can agree then you know without a doubt where this relationship is going and you may as well face it head on and come out with as much dignity as possible. Don't let loneliness or fear hold you back. You will be happier in the long run.
One last word of advice: Don't tell people you're interested in something you're not when you're getting to know someone. Don't make them think you like the same things you do just so they will go out with you/spend time with you etc. This leads nowhere good. And most of all, if you can't follow the person you claim to love wherever life takes them even if life takes them to a destination you find unappealing, know this is not true, unconditional love. You can convince yourself it is by telling yourself that you can't take that road because it not good for your well being, peace of mind, sanity, etc. But what you are really saying is, "I love you but not enough to go there", "I love you but there are conditions and if this relationship should take us somewhere I find disagreeable to me then I'm outta here," "But I still love you, it's not you, I just can't go there,". This is a big pile of crap. They have one foot in the relationship and one out and if the person you're with feels this way, no matter what he/she says, he/she is guaranteed to split as soon as the going gets rough. Trust me on this one.
If you choose to stay in a relationship like this, and believe me most people are this way, you just don't get that many that are honest enough to tell you right from the beginning they will split if things get dicey, you are setting yourself up for heartache if you don't realize this.
I understand many people are lonely and may stay in less than desirable relationships because they fear the unknown, the loneliness of the past or whatever has put them in this situation, but always know this is exactly that, a relationship that can be here today, gone tomorrow. If it does last, there will be constant disagreements over the smallest things and you will have to learn to adapt and you may even have to learn to change yourself even if the thought of changing yourself disgusts you. Said that way, it probably doesn't sound appealing but that's just the way it is.
Follow your signs and listen to your heart.
With this I will end and hope you find peace in whatever road life takes you down.