Reformed Mean Girl
Searching for Balance
I have always been known for my honest tongue. Some people appreciate it others see it as rude. Most of the time I don't think twice about it because I'm just sharing my opinion. This personality trait chased away a few potential mates, friends and became the final knife in the heart of the relationship I had with my mother.
I have always been complacent and free with my opinion however I was never angry. Not until my mother decided to sever our relationship by trying to convince me to see myself through her eyes. As a selfish, lazy arrogant whore who can't support herself.(Hello, I have graduate degree at the age of 24 and worked two jobs. Lazy I think not and who has time to be a whore.) Thats a hell over thing to hear from your mother two weeks after your father dies.
During the most vulnerable time of my life she left me to heal my own wounds. Which I've managed to do. I've come to accept my father's death and be a great person in his honor.
What I haven't been able to get over is all the foul names, the put downs, the treats, the abuse I suffered throughout the year that I spent sleeping on friends couches because she put me out every time her boyfriend said I coughed too loud. The way she continues to blame me for the emotional and physical abuse she encounters in her relationship even though I don't even live with her. I guess the saying hurt people hurt people is true.
Accepting the woman she has become and the way she treats me has made me angry. Trying to Forgive her is probably the hardest thing I have ever done. I went from adoring this woman to hating to be around her more than 5 mins in less than three months.
The anger that I feel towards this situation has made me want to be a better person, a happier person and a nicer person. I don't want to be known for being mean or rude. I have a heart and feelings I want to share that with people I'm close to. But when ever it comes to sharing my feelings I clam up. And somewhere along the way in an attempt to be more conscious of how my words hurt people I forgot how to express myself.
People hurt me and use me. And I find myself holding my tongue until I'm about to explode with resentment and anger. Where's the balance? I don't want to be a mean girl but I don't want to be a doormat either.