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Rekindling the Flame

Updated on May 5, 2012

Relationship First Aid

After a few years of marriage or whatever you call the committed arrangement you have found yourself in, you sometimes need a bit of a boost. Waking up with the same person day in and day out isn’t as exciting and heart stopping as it was in the beginning.

So what do you do?

Find a new love? Not necessarily. You can go out and maybe find a replacement that is better looking and maybe even more exciting than your current model but in time you will be right back where you are now, plus you will be older and lets face it none of us look quite as good in later years I don’t care who you are or how much surgery you’ve had.

There is something about familiarity that is comforting. You speak the same language and I don’t mean English. I’m talking about those inside jokes, family quotes and movie dialogue only immediate families get. Breaking in a new person means having to explain all of that and it kind of ruins the punch line.

Rekindle the flame

Instead of looking for a new love, why not try to rediscover the love you once had with your spouse you have now? It’s not easy and depending on how far you’ve let things get it could take a considerable overhaul but it can still be done.

What was it about him/her that attracted you to them? Funny thing is, often times what we first found intriguing or even appealing in a person can be what bugs us later on down the road. I have a sister in law that loved the bad boy hippy type guy. My brother in law is that guy, never changed still the same lovable hairy fellow she fell in love with but now after 30 years she wants him to change. If she were to split the sheets she would go out and find another old hippy just like him so she might as well realize this and patch things up with the one she’s already used to.

I seem to have a thing for clumsy, accident-prone guys. Don’t ask me why, I know it’s weird but now that is one of the things that drives me crazy about my husband.

Those things we found cute in the beginning seem to not be so endearing later on. If that is the case make a new list of things they have going for them. I realize some of the pros are also cons, for instance if a man is ambitious and a good provider you might also find that is the reason your marriage is failing because he no longer takes time out for you like he did in the beginning. Listing her parenting abilities might also be a detriment if she often puts the kids before you and overlooks your needs. Unfortunately, we can’t eat our cake and have it too.

Improve homelife

If he’s a workaholic, make his time at home enjoyable. A nagging wife will give him even more reason to stay long hours at the office.

You can redirect some of your wife’s attention by taking her out on a date and finding a sitter. Make a rule that she doesn’t call home and the sitter will call if there are any emergencies.

It’s important to find something besides the kids and family you have in common. You need to do things together and make time for each other. Many couples do things separately and avoid each other because when they spend too much time in the same room they tend to argue and bring up problems in their marriage.

Find common interests

Most couples aren’t going to have all the same interests. Men and women are different and that is why we are attracted to each other, however, there are things men and women both like.

Go on a trip away from home and without kids. Make a pact to not bring up home repairs, the kids, jobs and whatever else is a usual point of disagreement.

If you like the same kind of music go to a concert. Other places that are neutral are museums, art shows, cruises, hiking and the beach.

Think back to things you enjoyed doing together early in your relationship.

There are couples retreats just for helping rehabilitate marriages. Check for reviews before committing to any of them so you won’t be disappointed.


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