Surviving a Break up
Undoubtably realtionship break ups are one of the hardest things to "survive" other than the passing of a loved one.
Even if you are the one who instigated the break up you may still find it hard to move on and will go through a range of different emotions. Especially if you care about the person you shared part of your life with.
Relationship breakups are horrible and there is no magical cure for surviving them. Its important to understand the types of feelings you may encounter and be able to identify them as they are happening to avoid doing or saying something that you may regret.
If you are the one being sat down and told that the relationship is over for what ever reason, you will experience a level of shock. The level of shock depends on wether or not there were signs that this was coming. Even if you did pick up on signs the shock will still be there, it's hard to hear that its over.
Sadness and tears are to be expected, it hurts, no doubt about it. It is ok to be upset and its ok to cry. I think its important to allow yourself time to let it out. The problem it can be hard to control when and where this happens. Being in public when the tears come just makes it worse. If you are starting to feel upset in a social enviroment you may want to exit yourself from that situation, give yourself time to calm down and if you feel up to it, go back.
Disbelief & Denial:
"This can't be really happening, is this a dream?" are pretty common thoughts. You may act as if nothing has changed and try to interact with your ex the same way you would when together. You may also think that you will be able to get the person back. But do you really want to do that? Do you really want to go down that path again?
When you are not around the other person it is extremely common to feel paranoid and generally think the worst. You will have a lot of questions running through your mind but the most common are:
"What are they doing?"
"Who are they with?"
"Is there someone else?"
"Are they talking about me?".
A lot of the time they are wondering the same things about you. Both parties need space to find out what their thoughts and feelings are without being influenced by that person being there and/or their actions and feelings.
Rejection is such a terrible feeling, you will ask yourself "what did I do?", "Why dont they love me anymore?", "Is there something wrong with me?". This is extremely painful, but you need to understand that its not necessarily that there is something wrong with you or that you did something wrong. Relationship breakups are a part of life, sorry to be the bearer of bad news, its just a fact. If you are feeling rejected then surround yourself with people that make you feel good, who are positive.
Its normal to be scared when a relationship comes to an end as usually there are a lot of things to think about and several decisions to make about the future.
- Being alone
- Not having someone to rely on
- Not having someone to come home to at night
- What the future holds
- Reaction of friends and family
If you have lived together for a long time and have shared bank accounts or combined assets this is hightened than if you are used to living separately. Try to take that fear and focus that energy on positive things.
It's very common to feel angry when a relationship ends, "How could they do this to you?". Many people look back over the time they spent with their ex and remember every little thing they did wrong by them. For example: The way they may have treated you, spoke to you, situations they handled badly, things they said to you. You may even go over them in your head several times over, although common, this is very unhealthy. You can not change anything that happened in the past. If you were able to stay with them despite these things you should have let them go and not look back on them.
This is where people tend to say and do this they either dont entirely mean or will regret. If you feel anger coming on it is important to walk away from what ever is making you angry,
Having mutal friends in a relationship is great when things are good. Everyone hangs out together and gets along superbly.
As much as friends say they wont take sides generally they will without it being intentional or it might just feel like they are to you. You need to understand that a break up is hard on a friendship group. People are unsure how to act and can make them feel very awkward.
What ever you do, do not lash out at your friends or make any nasty comments about them. You dont want these things to come back and bite you, which they will.
Some tips to help you get through the Breakup:
- Understand what your feeling is normal
- Talk to someone such as a friend or therapist
- Allow your self time to greive, so to speak
- Plan for public breakdowns - have an exit plan
- Try to stay calm, if you can not, then leave the situation
- Avoid nasty comments about the other person to friends
- Do not yell or get phsyically voilent -
- Dont listen to the "the best way to get over it is to get under someone else" line. This doesn't make most people feel better, it usually causes more problems down the road. Do what you feel comfortable doing.
- Do things that make you happy, things you've always wanted to do for example: travel, learn something like a craft or musical instrument, take classes like dancing, kick boxing etc
- Write in a diary - everything you are feeling, on the good days and the bad days