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Relationship Recovery Guide: Possessiveness Can Harm Your Relationship

Updated on August 28, 2015

During the romantic stage, that is, during 6 months to two years of relationship, couples tend to be ever romantic and more physical. Only after the romantic stage that a couple realizes that they are humans after all, hence fully equipped with all those flaws that could threaten every relationship. This is when conflicts start to arise in a relationship. In this stage, both partners realize that they still have their individual characteristics and interests distinct from each other.

The only real security is not in owning or possessing, not in demanding or expecting, not in hoping, even. Security in a relationship lies neither in looking back to what it was, nor forward to what it might be, but living in the present and accepting it as it is now.

— Anne Morrow Lindbergh

Are You the Possessive Type?

Possessiveness of one of the partner can destroy a relationship if not handled properly. This certainly implies that there is insufficient amount of trust to bind the relationship. If you are too possessive of your partner, you are sending a very clear signal that you don’t trust your partner. This is also coupled with controlling ways to ensure the control your relationship but is always seen as curtailing you partner’s sense of independence. Men are born to dominate and conquer and not otherwise, as men would usually say. Hence, your controlling will never put you a step forward in your relationship. Your possessiveness may have stemmed up from your strong sense of insecurity. It reminds me of a friend who used to tell me that when a man trusts a woman, it’s because he trusts her. But if a woman trusts her man, it is for the reason that she trusts herself most. This is somehow typical of a woman, but being an emotional creature; a woman can’t help but be clinging to her partner. It’s just a matter of how strong a woman can deal with her own ego that she can repress such emotion or desire. In reality, women tend to be more insecure than men. Why? Women are more intuitive by nature. Trust a woman’s intuition so they say. Women seem to rely more on their haunches coupled with their logical, analytical thinking. Seldom do women fail in their haunches. Though of course, men could not accept this for reason of lack of substance.

A woman can always tell when something is wrong in their relationship and can fort right tell a competitor from among the crowd. However, not at all times, you are right. Your senses radar can be obstructed by your jealousy and extreme emotions, pointing you to the wrong direction. Therefore, learn to be more subtle in you ways and dealings. You can always divert your possessiveness to more fashionable ways of caring for your partner, like preparing him a good meal to start with so he won’t go out dating with others.

Always Equate a Possessive Partner with Jealousy

A possessive partner is always doubtful of a partner’s intention when socializing with friends, family or other people. With a jealous partner, always expect to be heavily-guarded at all times. They can always go beyond your personal privacy, such as wallets, email and phone inboxes, call logs and contacts. All senses of a jealous partner are on alert and always ready to pick up signals such as smell of perfumes, smudges on your collars, a piece of vanity or jewelry in your car, and even your Face book accounts. So be sure to constantly check on your passwords. Even innocent facts could send wrong warnings to a jealous partner.

Signs of Disrespect

Be on guard when your partner shows signs of disrespect. Possessiveness may vary in level but somehow they end up with a strong similarity and always lead to an unhealthy relationship. When your partner is possessive, he tends to give negative comments to make you feel guilty of whatever he or she is accusing you of. He can always damage you self-esteem by calling you names, being rude towards you and always ready to hurl at you sarcastic comments.

When you feel that your partner is unfaithful to you, what action are you likely to take?

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Ways to Stop Possessiveness

Possessiveness is always detrimental to a healthy relationship. It is a game of Tug-O-War between the couple. One is trying to pull on the other by controlling and manipulation as the other tries to pull back. A relationship can also be a power play if one or both is not willing to make compromises. The individual’s sense of independence or dominating character can be a turning point in such a relationship. We all know that in a relationship, it is not about who will be the one to dominate and who will be the one to give in. So, when a partner is possessive, you had to understand that the behavior stemmed up from insecurity or fear of you leaving her or him. So if you intend to save your relationship, try to put a stop to your desire to pull away. Hang on with the relationship but while hanging on, let the one pulling understand that there is no sense in trying to pull each other. When both of you stop the desire of controlling each other, you will end up better.

How to preserve your Relationship

Possessiveness can somehow be devastating for a partner. One way of avoiding this to happen is by maintaining your own unique personality and interest while in a commitment. The boundary of compromises must be clear to each individual. After all, a relationship is a mutual understanding that must work towards a positive goal. When you commit into a relationship, it does not mean that you will be working to change your partner’s personality but also commit to change yourself to meet him halfway. Both of you may propose for some changes in each other, but it still depends on you individually. Remember, you are unique in your own way and the same thing works for your partner. Everything must start with the willingness to change and this willingness must be true and final. This could be self-fulfilling to both partners but if taken lightly, and only when one is around to see it, then this could be damaging as it still will surface in the end.

How to Control Your Jealousy

Jealousy is a sign of possessiveness. It is but normal for one in love to be possessive of his partner or feel jealous every time there's threat to their relationship. However, you need to check on how you deal with your emotions. It’s always the result or the end product which counts so you need to assess how your reaction to such feelings would affect your relationship. Be mindful of your partner's feeling towards such reaction especially if they are violent ones. Jealousy always leads to anger but it doesn't mean that you have every right to unleash your anger to your partner every time you feel such jealousy for others.

Jealousy is sometimes welcome by a loved one especially during the first stage of your relationship as it portrays your emotion of love. But as it continues to constantly move in between couples, it could be detrimental to the relationship. So, before this will happen, you must curtail whatever excessive jealousy you have in you. Curtailing it is not easy, but somehow you need to set it as a probable option over a break-up. Here is the best way to do it.

When you feel you're on the verge of jealousy, calm down your emotion. Anger tends to arise with jealousy and when anger arises, you're sure to be out of your senses. Only when you can think straight, you will talk it over with your partner. Listen to what he will say to the issue you had brought to his attention. Be logical in your reasoning and you will be able to assess the whole situation.

In my personal experience, it is effective to get away from the scene when you feel you want to burst out. Once you're out of there and your partner out of your sight, you tend to weigh on things. Once anger gets away to cloud your thinking, you will realized if your action is healthy or not. If your jealousy has no logical basis at all, then forget all about it and avoid mentioning it the next time you meet your partner. Don't worry about him getting angry with you. Surely by now, he can read you better than what you think. He knows what is really happening in you even if you will not tell him and if he loves you enough, he will help you get over it easily.


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