Revelation and Honesty
This is me!
To reveal a lifelong secret and to be strong
As I look back over my life I realize I have been dealing with a real and painful truth that I could never talk about or open up to share with anyone. It was my secret and it was my very essence as a person. I cried all throughout the years wondering why I had to have such a burden and why I was struggling so much. I have a wonderful life too and I am very lucky as a person because I have family who I love and they love me. They may not understand me sometimes but I never claimed to be perfect. I only want to be true to who i am as a person. I am a very emotional and caring person and I identify more in a feminine way mainly because I am a woman. I have always known from an early age that I was different and I had gender issues. I was very comfortable wearing girls clothes and I was very sensitive as a child and I am a very sensitive person today. I am not expressive of my feminine life because I am trapped in a male existence which I have been very conflicted about. I have been blessed however with a wife and son who I love with all my heart and soul and that will never change.
My lifelong wish all throughout my life was to come to accept who I am as a person and take the proper steps to bring the inside feelings I have out and share it with others. I wanted to come to realize I am a good person and I wanted to finally accept the fact that my very existence would be predicated on finally transitioning to finally achieve my true sense of self. Transitioning from male to female is not an easy road and it is also a very emotional and scary process but for me it is a reality I must face because I must move forward and be the person I need to be which is a feminine and happy female. I need to liberate myself and finally be me.
It is a difficult road also because my transitioning affects my family, my work relationships, my friendships and just about every legal aspect concerning my identity. I have forged a life as a male and have been received as a male and to all of a sudden come out as female, which I personally knew all along but was too afraid to come to grips with and share with all those important in my life. So now I embark on a gradual transition which is a real challenge and it requires a great deal of planning and strategy. I have to consider many factors such as planning to continue to hold on to all the relationships in my life with my family, my employer, my coworkers, my friends and all those important to me. I also have a son who needs a strong and central parent in his life. My son has a loving mother. my wife who is wonderful and very important in his life. I will always be his father no matter what. Even though I transition to become a woman I will always be "daddy" to my son and I will never change as a person. My features will obviously change and how I present myself will change but I will still be a loving parent to my son despite my transgender status. My life will obviously change as I present as a woman and I will relate to people in a different way. I will be perceived differently and certainly received differently but I will be the very same person and I will be whole as a female which is what I have been all along.
I have slowly made steps in the transition process and the very first step was accepting myself as I am and being genuine with it. I have finally come to accept that I am a woman and I am taking action. I am undergoing electrolysis to remove my facial hair. I am seeing a therapist again who is helping me to accept who I am and is very supportive and understanding. I am now taking female hormones which will gradually change my physical features and I am dressing more so I can be true to who I am. I wear dresses now in front of family and some friends. I have a wig since my hair still needs proper styling and I have ventured outside a little bit. I still present as male in my daily life but at home I am presenting as female and am much happier.
To be honest with all those important in my life I don't have an answer as to why I am so in need to live as a woman but I do know that if I don't transition I will be very sad and heart broken. I have an emptiness that not many can truly understand but for me it is a very painful feeling and it has plagued me for a lifetime and as I draw closer to my own mortality it is absolutely critical that i now transition to become a woman since I needed to do this ever since I was the age of consent which was 18 when I first visited a gender clinic without anyone knowing. I sincerely wanted to transition when I was 18 and a graduate of high school but the time was not right and I was not financially in a position to do so. I was entrapped and could only hope at that time in my life.
As I transition I do have very real concerns such as how it will affect my wife and son. I want to do it in a way where they can sense my happiness and where they are emotionally prepared for it. I also have concerns at work and want to transition in a way that is seamless and without causing a stir or controversy. I just ask to be accepted and to have my life to live now as I had felt in my mind, my heart and my soul and I just want people to understand me and not to treat me any different. I just want to be happy. That is all I ask for.
I also have other major concerns which I will need attorney advisement on such as my social security, my life insurance, setting up a special needs trust for my son and other related matters that will be affected as a result of my transition from male to female. It is not easy for me but it is something I have to do. I have to live as I truly feel inside otherwise I will carry my pain to my grave and that is not what i want to do. I need to be me. I need to be happy and I need my family, my working life with my employer and my friends. I still have some life to live and i want to live it and I don't want to carry my secret anymore, I want to be strong, courageous and happy. I want to be me!
Edward D. Iannielli III