- Gender and Relationships
Roadblocks To Recovery- Part 4
Picking-up the pieces
It can be quite overwelming picking up the pieces of someone elses life, little-lone picking up the pieces of our own. Being at someone elses beconed call, surrounding them with support and affirmation when this is something you need as well and are lacking. Your picking up someone elses pieces while your falling apart.
Life can be frustrating when your needs aren't being met and you try to project those needs onto someone else to fulfill your own defiencies. The truth is, your needs aren't being met, their being overlooked and disregarded, not only by others, but by yourself as well. Nothing is coming around full-circle.
You've zoned in on the needy, people who are incapable of returning your affection. Your an alien in their world. They'll never see your good intentions. it just may be a never-ending struggle with zero rewards. You could run yourself into the ground and they wouldn't care. their focus is on their needs, not yours. Your needs have little meaning to an addict or needy person. Their searching for comfort and you have become the supplier. This can be a no-win situation. Your efforts can be futile. Your needs may never be met. Your need to repair the damage may seem impossible.
Our need to FIX has become our nature, it is ruling our lives and other lives as well. It has no mercy. If you think this isn't a fact, try stopping it. We have lost all control and we have become like a freight train with no end in sight.
An enabler says to the needy one or the addict 'Bring your sickness to me, I am the healer', I can FIX anything. GET REAL! Who do we think we are...GOD? Why we can't even FIX ourselves! We've lost all control and we're trying to control sombody elses behavior? Do we really have ALL the answers or the solutions to the problem? Start thinking constructively. what would really benefit your loved one? Think of the benefits and ask yourself if you are standing in the way of those benefits and solutions. Are you hindering their recovery and your own? Are you being a road-block to recovery?
They will never change or learn to do things on their own as long as your there picking-up the pieces. You've become their savior, their caregiver, their provider, their rescuer, their re-assuer, their comforter, their counceler, their supervisor and instructor, their problem solver and solution, their protector and defender, their stablizer and healer, their physician, referee and parent and even their punching bag when needed. Why we're even on 24 hour servalence. Who is really in need of help? There are real issues going on here and they need to be addressed.
We as enablers in most cases are trying to keep the addict- needy person from hitting bottom because we are afraid for them. Afraid of the agony they might experiance, so we take on the responsibility of ' being afraid for them' and fear maybe exactly what they need to recover. To come to a cross-road where their behavior is no longer working for them. They need to be in an uncomfortable position to seek comfort, a better way, and as long as we supply comfort, they will not seek it elsewhere, therefore recovery is at a standstill, nothing to wake them up. This may be their saving grace as well as yours. Don't get me wrong, there are real needs and there are needs that require constructive help. They are quite different. Only a qualified counceler can address constructive help. There are steps that need to be taken for both you and the addict to change the cycle. It didn't happen in a day, so patience and perseverence will play a huge part in recovery. Remember...we are not qualified physicians.
There are 12 step programs in AA and in Al-Anon and they are crutial steps in ones recovery. They work! I know. I myself am still in the process of recovery and I'm not ashamed to admit it. If one has come to the point where nothing else has worked or been accomplished then this is the solution. It's overdue. It's time. One day at a time.
The telephone numbers can be found in the front of your phonebooks. Healing needs to occure in order to live a more productive and rewarding life. And it begins with you. Thank you and good luck. My prayers are with you. You don't have to be a slave to this anymore. There is hope.