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Satire - Russian Women

Updated on May 11, 2015

Our Offer

Russian Woman
Russian Woman

If you married a Russian woman and are happy with her, no need to read any further. If you didn't get everything you bargained for then you will want to know about our business.


We are the foremost dealers in Russian wife trade-ins. Yes, you read that correctly. We will take your Russian fiancée or wife and trade her in for a new one. Sounds fantastic? It is. Our firm will handle all the troubling paperwork required and even deal with the necessary transportation of your disappointing mate and acquirement of a newer model.

From Our Extensive Catalog
From Our Extensive Catalog

Easy Processing

You can choose a new Russian princess from our catalog of thousands or even just send us the name and address of a temptress you found on some other site. If she's willing to relocate (and 99%) of these women are (based on our statistics), then it's almost a done deal.

We Aim To Please

Just One of Thousands
Just One of Thousands

Prior to becoming the nation's number one Russian woman replacement service, our company originated in 50 years of automobile business, so we know everything about taking your junk and giving you a brand new model. We have 22 offices throughout the US and 5 in Russia itself. This positions us to make the best deals possible for the least amount of up-front cash. We guarantee that our replacement program will cost you less than half what you probably spent to get tied down with your current lemon.

No Strings

Still Available
Still Available

The only thing required of you is to complete our questionnaire. Don't worry, it's not lengthy or oppressive. We merely need to know a few details about yourself, the model you've selected, and whether you plan to buy or lease. Yes, you can now lease a Russian woman for as little as three years or a maximum of nine years. During this period you can cancel your lease at any time to try out a different model should you choose to do so. No other company offers you this easy-in and easy-out feature.

Our Secret

Waiting For You
Waiting For You

How are we able to offer such a fantastic and no-lose program? Well, we can't give away our trade secrets but we have some very influential contacts inside Russia that scour their country for the best women available from every corner of their geo-political landscape. In return we give our contacts high-level access to some of our top politicians here in the US, enabling them to cut a few corners when it comes to lucrative business agreements. This results in a tremendous cost savings for you.

Just For You

Fluent With English
Fluent With English

Our trade-in program is unbeatable. Do you feel stuck with someone from the Russian Federation that has become dead weight? Was she once bright and pretty but has become a babushka? Get rid of her now! You aren't trapped with some domineering female who won't even bother to give you a hand-job. Our motto is "Send her back to Siberia." Trade that sagging loser in for someone 20 (or more) years younger than yourself. We have the stock that all men would prefer.

Your Current Babushka

Time to Trade Up
Time to Trade Up

Current Specials

Currently, we have amazing deals on Ukrainian refugees. Even minimum-wage earners can afford a delectable Ukrainian woman. Don't want the kids? No worry. We customize every order, and if any model has too many accessories, we can tailor to your requirements.

Newer Model
Newer Model

Fill out our questionnaire now to get the process rolling. We are able to expedite your request (no more waiting months for the darn INS to issue a fiancée visa). We take all of the headaches out of the process of bringing your fantasy woman directly to your doorstep ... or if you live in a trailer, we'll bring her there too. Your income level is not an issue with us. Have a criminal record? No problem. There is nothing we won't overlook.

Get What You Want

I Want to Hear From You
I Want to Hear From You

No one wants a gold digger in disguise. We do our very best to disqualify any women who show any propensity in this direction based on our unique psychological profiling and exams. Each model is stamped with an invisible bar code on her forehead. If you are even inclined to think that one of our models is a gold digger, simply drop her off at any USPS, UPS or FedEx pickup. We've made arrangements with all of these agencies so that they can scan the model's forehead. After that one of our staff will immediately take her to the nearest international airport and she will be sent back as luggage. If still breathing upon arrival in Russia, our team of lawyers will ensure that she is either delivered to a mental asylum or prison -- for life! We take care of our customers first and foremost. Any defective models are eliminated efficiently and we will make any replacement free of charge. Your satisfaction is guaranteed. You have nothing to lose with our money-back policy. So, start shopping!

Guarantees

I Want to Become an Android
I Want to Become an Android

If you haven't yet shopped for a Russian woman then you owe it to yourself to start looking. Russian women are the best-kept secret in the world. They are the most beautiful creatures walking the earth, but no one seems to know about it. If the Kremlin were to simply publicize their women, all forms of antagonism between the West and Russia would halt immediately. Their one imperfection is that they age (like all of us), so that new-car smell fades with time, and you are left with a high-maintenance artifact of the beauty you once mistakenly thought would last forever. They may age more gracefully (like a Mercedes) but finally you come to your senses and realize it's time to give up the old darling for something newer, sleek and yummy.

You Come First

Take Me For a Trial Drive
Take Me For a Trial Drive

We are here for discriminate gentlemen.

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    • rjbatty profile image
      Author

      rjbatty 19 months ago from Irvine

      Jodha: Glad you liked this piece of flotsam. The piece is partially true mixed with a lot of intentional absurdity. The true part is that Russian women are stunning. They are generally well educated and very grounded. The whole concept of trading in your wife for a newer model is just for laughs. Men may have a lot of natural faults but most of us cannot imagine simply bagging our mates for a return shipment. We may be callow creatures but most of us adhere to some kind of level of decency.

    • Jodah profile image

      John Hansen 19 months ago from Queensland Australia

      Hilarious, if I wasn't married I'd have to consider this...especially that girl in the last pic, very tempting. Not considering trading my wife in though..she isn't Russian either. Fun satire.